I am not sure what I thought Mental Illness was before, but
this experience of getting help has educated me. I have these feelings of guilt
and everything is my fault. I feel I have failed as a father, as a partner, and
as a son. It isn't a great feeling. Depression is more serious than I
originally thought. Reading about the illness has increased my awareness. I am
29 years old. I have suffered in silence for years. Now I am glad I seek help
when I did. Who knows what would have happened? I feel scare for the many more
people suffering in silence. It cannot be easy. The thought of harming oneself
due to an illness is dangerous. I am one of those people.
Depression to me, at first, was the loneliest feeling in the
world. No matter who you are around, where you are, what you are doing, or why
you're doing it, Depression is there. Do I like thinking about negative things
and harming myself? Absolutely not, but there were times I couldn't control my
thinking. There are still times like that.
My advice to anyone that feel they have Depression, or any
Mental Illness; seek help. Speak to love ones and family members. They love
you. That's how I opened up about it. Boy, was I scared. But once I spoke up
and told a few people, everyone has been supportive. I view it as any other
illness. I may have to deal with is for the rest of my life, but at least I
have a life to live. I lost my son for the time being, grew apart from my
friends, lost a girl who I absolutely love, and began to lose interest in
anything that mattered.
Life is scary. It can be tough, mean and dangerous. It can
be full of sadness, anger, heartbreak, and confusion. We tell people we love
them and they tell us the same. But after time, we seem to lose the people
closest to us. As we get older in life, we tend to lose things (Any Given
Sunday). Mostly we lose people. But that's what we have to endure- life itself.
Life is what we make it. The people we love, the things we do, the feelings we
have, the people we inspire- that's what is important.
Depression can hamper
that, if not dealt with. I am not pretending I am 100% healed and in the clear,
but I believe I am on the right path, for once. As scared as I am of that path,
for the first time in awhile, it somewhat feels like the right one. One thing
that seems to be constant themes here and during my detox programs are;
worrying and living in the moment, the present.
Not to worry about what already happened and try not to put
too much pressure on what will happen tomorrow. We are told to focus on the
controllable factors in life. That makes sense. How else to take control of
your life? I can't worry about other people, especially people who hurt me. I
am 29 years old, and sometimes I feel like I lived most of my life already.
That isn't how I should be viewing my life. I have to get back to learning how
to enjoy life. I forgot how to do that. I forgot how to smile. That was one of
my greatest characteristics- the ability to make people laugh and smile. I
guess that is kind of hard to do if I am unhappy myself. It's like being a hypocrite.
I always say I don't like hypocrites, but in all honesty, I am not happy with
myself. One thing I have been good at lately is hiding. Best Hide-and-Seeker
out there couldn't find me. I want to change that about me. Stop the hiding.
I figure the near future has a few options in front of me.
Not sure what will happen. I am trying to think of all avenues. Make a decision
I can be happy with. But the future is foggy for me and no lighthouse to be
seen or foghorn to give me warning of nearby rocks. For the time being, my
short term goal is to get better. Not sure how that road will be. It will no
doubt be an uncharted journey. I am not a sailor. Haven't been on the ocean
much. But I can imagine this will be a voyage with many storms. I will have to
ride out some storms. Take shelter for others. I will have to go straight
through some, as well. I am not scared of drowning. I have to focus on my ship
and control the wheel. Hold on tight. Steer my way through. Take on all waves.
Big or small. I have to tolerate all the storms. And I will not go down with
the ship.
Again, I am not 100% sure what tomorrow will bring, or the
day after that. Not sure if I am fully prepared for it, yet. But as of tonight,
at least there is a tomorrow. It's just one day at a time. One hour at a time.
One minute. One second. The vision is short, but imperative.
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
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