Life Changing Encounter- March 2018

My next move will be a big change in my life. I do not know when that will happen. I do not have a timeline. There is no pressure to make an ill-fated and quick decision. I am open to the possibilities. I am optimistic about the future. It does not scare me anymore.

I am writing in good spirits tonight. I many have swallowed some anxiety pills, so I am somewhat mellowed out. I am calm and I am clear.

I almost killed myself once. It was a dark time for me. It was at that point in my life where I felt there was nothing left for me in this world. It was something I really believed.

Fast forward to the present. There has been a lot of work done by me and others to keep me above ground. A lot of sacrifices made by my family. A lot of support given by friends and strangers. Recently, something amazing has happened to me. The thought of it makes me smile still.

I met someone. No, not romantically, but met someone. At first glance, I could tell that this person was different and special. Something about this person made me excited and definitely not nervous. It was pure emotion and feelings from me. It was something extremely real to me. Something I don't know much of. Something I may have never felt before.

It was something good. Maybe, even great.

I couldn't stop listening to this person. Everything that was said meant more than words to me. It also meant something to that person. It was genuine. I may never see this person again, but for a few hours, everything felt real and meaningful.

When I present to people about my life journey, I talk about hope and finding meaning in life as a part of my recovery. My recent experience was one of those moments.

I never anticipated it, or even saw it coming. Maybe the greatest things in life are never anticipated. It was unreal. I told this person how I felt. I couldn't keep it in. I expressed to this person how meeting them made me feel.

This person made me smile like I never had before. It was also the first time in a long time I smiled from positive emotion. May people surrounded us, but I only saw one person. I heard only one person. I truly felt connected to another individual. That night never had enough hours, as I did not want the night to end.

Irony time.

There have been so many nights in my life I wished were over quickly, Many nights I wished I was dead. The pain was almost unbearable. So many painful nights.

This night was the opposite. The pain of all those nights combined couldn't compare or take away the pure happiness I experienced recently. Actually, I am glad that I did endure the bad times for that one night. Honestly, it was amazing and magical for me.

I've suffered for so long and so much. This person took away all my pain instantly. Nothing else and no one else mattered. This person brought me outside of my comfort zone and made me feel safe out there. This person challenged me and made me a better person, even if it was for a few hours.

Nothing sexually took place. There wasn't even a simple kiss or first kiss, in this case. There may never be a first kiss. And that is OK. This person made me feel, even if it was for a few hours.

This person reminded me why I continue to fight for my life each and every day. This person made me feel like I do have a purpose and I was worthy of life. This person reassured me that my life was necessary. This person inspired me and gave me more hope. For that, I sincerely thank you. You have no idea what kind of influence you had over me. You will never understand how much joy and pleasure you brought me by just talking to me. You made me a better person in a few short hours. You are special to me. I will never forget you. I do hope our paths cross again. You changed me and you did it by just being yourself.

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."
                                       - Neale Donald Walsch

Forever Grateful,

T.J. Smith

The Comeback and Second Chance- January 2018

It’s one of the few regrets I have as a person. I can’t remember the exact year, maybe it was 2011. I was playing Senior Hockey with the Deer Lake Red Wings. We are in the league finals against the team from Grand Falls.

I cannot recall the series at this point. It is irrelevant. What I do remember is going out the night before one of the games in the finals. I went out with my friends from my hometown. It was in the midst of, “I am young and invincible and arrogant and I am going to do whatever I want regardless of the consequences” stage of my life.

I played drunk or hungover many times during my first stint in Newfoundland and Labrador Senior Hockey. “Guilty” is what the older players called it. I also remember another quote from a player I highly respect, still to this day. He told us the following, “Do not be Superman at night if you cannot be Clark Kent in the day.” That quote has always stuck with me.

‘Playing Guilty’ is the terminology that was used to describe what I was doing. I was being flown in from Halifax each weekend, which cost about $400, plus getting $200-250 per game. So, all said and done, the team was investing approximately $1000 in me per weekend. How did I repay them? Play sober the first game of the weekend, then play hungover, or still drunk for the second game of the weekend. I thought I was living a Rockstar lifestyle. It was all about me and I didn’t think about others.

So why am I describing this? Because something has been on my mind since 2011 and I never made amends with it. I am ashamed in what I done and even more that I never apologize to my teammates, coaches, organization, or fans.

Back to the playoff game against Grand Falls. It was the first intermission. I was sitting in the dressing room fighting the booze that was still in my body. My play in the first period indicated I was still fucked. Then, from the second dressing room, I heard a voice of anger. It was a voice of a man that I highly respected and a guy that was a leader on the team. He has been around and was a great player. He yelled something so the whole team could hear what he was saying.

It was directed at me. I was so scared, I cannot remember exactly what he said but he was sending a message to me. I was terrified. What he said had something to do with out drinking the night before and staying up all night. Since I was the only person on the team that went out, logic told me this was aimed at me, and rightfully so.

I got the message. It’s the only regret I remember to have to this day. That happened 7 or 8 years ago. I have been sorry ever since.

That may have been the last or one of the last games of competitive hockey I played.

Now, I am presented with a second chance. Personally, for me, a shot at redemption, even if it is in my own mind. I am now 31 years old. The same team has asked me to play again. 

Though, this time is different.

First, I am older and much wiser. My time as a coach has given me a new perspective on how to be a professional. I now know what is required to be a leader and a winner.

Secondly, I don’t drink anymore. Boy, did I ever get caught up in the life of a Senior Hockey player in Newfoundland. There would be two games per weekend. As I said earlier, I would play game one sober. Game two, which was usually Sunday’s, I was hungover or still intoxicated. Looking back now, I was an embarrassment. I was also disrespectful to the teams that invested time, energy, and money into me.

How bad was I? Here is an example.

Sunday was usually fly day, or early Monday mornings. On more than one occasion, I would drink all day Sunday after our last game. Somehow, I was allowed on the plane. I assume I kept it together long enough to get through security. Here was the issue; I would wake up in Halifax in my own bed not remembering how the hell I got there. I would completely black myself out by drinking. It was surreal, almost like something you would see in the movies. I was truly a mess.

It was a way for me to get away from my problems. It was a silent cry for help. That was 2010 or 2011. I was one of the younger players on the team. I couldn’t tell anyone I was troubled. Who would have helped? Where would I get the help? I had to be ‘tough’. I am a Senior Hockey player. I need to prove my manliness and cannot be soft. So, playing hockey and drinking like a fish was my delusional way of proving I was ‘tough’. That I was a man’s man.

This is a story of self-realization of what I was and of growth. It is a story of mistakes and accepting those mistakes. I share this life experience to aide others not to make the same mistakes I did.

If I was still a kid, I wouldn’t admit to this and believe it to be something I could sweep under the rug. Worst thing about sweeping things under the rug is, sooner or later, the rug has to be pulled up, and whatever you put under there will still be there. You have to decide to leave the mess there, or option two, clean it up. It is easier to leave the mess, but just because it is easier doesn’t make it right. I learnt this by hiding my depression for many years.

This is a time appropriate Blog post because we are in the finals starting this weekend. It is also weight off of my mind. A fixture of my therapy and recovery is being true to myself and honest about what is real and what is not. Psychotherapy helps me focus on my strengths. Acceptance is huge for me. Gratitude is another value that helps with me better my mental health. I am forever grateful that I have a second opportunity to play competitive hockey at my age. Someday, someone is going to tell me I cannot play anymore. I am loving this challenge. It is pushing me to be better as a person, athlete, and teammate. I wish Nash could see me play. He has only seen daddy behind the bench coaching.

I believe in a phrase that I have come up with recently; “Embrace Struggle”.

Accepting what is going on in my life has me trying to find ways to be better. I am doing my best at being my best. And if that is not good enough for others, I do not care. It’s great for me. But it does not come easy. It is a challenge, but more so, a struggle. Somethings are out of my control. I am OK with that. That being said, I am embracing this struggle.

I am a warrior and survivor of a mental illness. On any day, at any time, I could end it. I am doing my best to not let that happen. By deciding to live, I have been given a second chance at playing the sport I love. Honestly, it is the only I thing I know. I am embracing this opportunity and it has reinvigorate my passion for the game. I hope to pass that passion and desire onto the younger players on the team.

Purpose of this Blog?

It is twofold.

11.  To apologize.

22. To demonstrate by fighting my illness and living, opportunities will come your way. I rely on the word ‘Hope” every day. I do not know what will come my way each and every day. But hope allows me to handle anything that comes my way. I feel strong. I want to be a symbol or example to others struggling with mental illness that by fighting it, by being a warrior, things do and will get better. I almost came face to face with my maker. I decided to fight and live.

It is not death that I fear. I fear that I will not live the life that has been given to me every day.

“Like everyone else in this world, I have had struggles. There's disappointment and obstacles in everybody's life. I feel like I was writing 'Second Chance' not just for myself, but also for the people who have struggled.”

                                  -       El DeBarge

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith