This is My Life. My Story.

A smile cannot be fake. It has to be real. I couldn't smile in pictures. I would feel my face cringe and my eyes squint as I tried to smile. Even as a kid, I don't remember smiling a lot. I may have laughed a lot, but a true smile? I don't know. I have been sharing my feelings and emotions and thoughts the past few weeks. I have complete strangers telling me I am helping them. It's humbling. I have wrote a lot about my time in the hospital and what I wrote while I was there. Now, I feel it is time to share my life. Who am I? I am not too sure. But I do have a history, a childhood. How to pinpoint when I started feeling Depressed? Well, maybe a trip back in a time machine will help.

My mother spent a lot of time giving birth to me, so I am told. April 1st, 1986 I entered this world. Of course, I do not remember anything about that or the following years. My earliest memory I can think of is being in the hospital when I was four or five years old getting a minor surgery. I am drawing a lot of blanks. Reflecting now, I don't remember too much.

What do I remember? Hockey. I grew up being all about hockey. My first true love. My passion. My desire. Every aspect of it. When I was 7 or 8 years old, I could tell you almost every player in the NHL and which hand they shot. I loved it. I would read hockey magazines. I loved everything about it. Playing it, the coaching, the management side of it. Everything. It started with my dad of course. Avid Toronto Maple Leafs fan and a fantastic hockey player himself. Not only was he usually one of the best on the ice in St. Anthony, Newfoundland on any given night, he was one of the most sportsmanlike players as well. He respected the game he loved. He was a good teammate. He loves the game. At the age of 59, he still plays in two leagues. One league has kids that are 16 years of age. And I don't know if he will ever stop playing. I don't know many more who love the game more than him. And for you that know him, you don't either.

I remember our kitchen table. I sat at one end, mom at the other. Dad to the right and my sister to the left. Behind my sister was Doug Gilmour and Wendall Clark. I kid you not. There were two big posters of them right next to our kitchen table. Two members of the Toronto Maple Leafs had supper with us every night.

I remember being a tool at supper. I don't remember being pleasant. That be the only meal we eat together. We were a busy family. 95% of my memories revolve around hockey. No kid loved it more than me. My dad loved it. He never forced it on me. It was natural affinity for me. I wasn't the greatest skater starting out. I used to go to power skating hockey schools. I hated it because there were usually very little time with pucks. It helped immensely. I would do two hockey schools per summer. Summer also consisted of road hockey. I played other sports. Hold my own in all of them.

The winter months. Couldn't wait. My favorite season. I lived in the rink. If I had to clock in there, I would have had more hours than the workers. Everything about it. The lights, sounds, and of course, the 'machine' or 'truck'. The zamboni. Loved it. I remember the guys who drove it. They treated me very well. I know every inch of the old St. Anthony Olympia. Every inch. My dad would take me. I would love being in the dressing room before games and after. Loved listening to these "heroes" talking and laughing and joking. They were "heroes" to me. I looked up to them. I wish I could go back in time to do it again.

When I started playing, I wasn't a standout. I just loved playing. But what did I love more? Being a goalie. I wanted to be a goalie. In Novice 2, I got to try it for half a season. My dad hated it. I still remember the pads and glove I would wear. If I had it my way, I would have been a goalie. No doubt in my mind. Playing road hockey, I would always volunteer to get in the cage first. Fascinated with the position. After my short stint in the crease, I got back to playing out. When I wasn't at the rink, I was lucky enough to have my own backyard rink. I lived on the ice. Those were the moments as a kid you wish never ended. I played hockey. I lived for it.

I often wonder, what would have happened if I didn't play? Not sure. Not a clue. I don't do winter vacations. Ever since I was three, every winter from September/October to March/April was spent on a team and in a rink. I don't know what else exists outside of that during those months. Also during those months, I did go to school. I was smart. Above average. Close to the top of my class each year. Math was easy. Everything was easy for me, except reading and writing. Not that it was hard for me, I hated it. School was easy for me. I am not being cocky, I am just stated the facts. And I loved it. My father was a high school math teacher. I am my father's son. My mother is a special woman to deal with us both. But it was being a kid that signs of something isn't quite right with me began. I remember once in grade 6 I "faked" sick for a whole week because I had two friends somewhat fighting. I felt I had to pick sides. I couldn't handle it. I remember my grandmother taking care of me for a week. I couldn't deal with seeing my friends fighting. Think for a second, how bad a grade 6 fight could be? It was nothing. I know that now. But I ran and hid from it. Guess what was that weekend? A hockey tournament. I took a full week off of school, but when Friday night came, the skates were on and I was flying.

Another memory of feelings was in grade 5. I can't recall the exact situation, but someone said something harmless to me. I remember vividly trying to fight the tears. I was in the old St. Anthony Elementary library. Grade 5 kids can be relentless. "TJ, are you crying?" My response, "No, I get sore eyes every Wednesday." Wow. Truth was I got sore eyes often. I had to make an excuse so I didn't look "soft". If things were bad at school with friends, I didn't want to go.

As I got older, I played more and more hockey. Myself and a few others separated ourselves from the pack when we hit Bantam. We played more than anyone. We didn't get into the girls or extra-curricular activities until we were about 16 or 17. When I was 16, from 4 pm to 11 pm on Monday's, I spent straight at the hockey rink. I lived a 1 minute drive from rink, a 5 minute walk, but I stayed there. I remember falling asleep in school one Tuesday morning.

Hockey kept me on a straight line. I will never think of, "what have I done for the game?". My life has been hockey. The game has done so much for me. The people I met. The relationships I have. Much like other Canadian kids. I am fortunate to be working with the sport I love. I can't imagine me doing anything else. I get to go to the rink every day. That's my corner office on the 20th floor.

After I was finished high school, I went to Truro, Nova Scotia to play Junior A hockey for the Truro Bearcats. Wasn't sure what to expect when I first arrived. Didn't know anyone. I would doubt myself. "Am I good enough to be here"? I had no confidence at first. Once I overcame that, I loved it there. I still get goosebumps going to Truro or even driving by. I have created a lot of life-long friendships there. It is my unofficial hometown in Nova Scotia. We done well as a team there. We won two league championships in three years. Personally, I done well. I set four scoring records during my three years. I still hold two. I am very proud of that. I received a NCAA Division 1 scholarship to play hockey from my time there.

I am starting to learn my life will be impacted by the people I meet. The people that influence my life. During my time in Truro, there were some amazing relationships made. I met my best friend in the world. You know the guy. If I was in a ditch off the highway in Cape Breton, he would leave his home in East Hants and come get me. Or the guy that would stand up for you regardless of the situation. I have so much admiration for this person. Even though he is shorter than me, I look up to him. He is truly my best friend. We will be friends until my last breath. He has done so much for me when I was in some bad spots. That's the type of man he is. I love him and owe him so much. Another guy I met in Truro was and is a major influence in my life, especially when it comes to hockey. I won't lie. I didn't know too much about playing "hard" or "tough" or defensively when I came to Truro. I could score. That was easy for me. Never hard. But what I realized is, in order to win, you need to compete and play hard in every area of the rink. He taught me that. But he really made a difference in my life after I was done playing. After I left NCAA, he asked me to coach with him as an Assistant. I was speechless. I never learned so much before in my life in one year. He and the other coach taught me so much. I learned so much. That may have been the year I first realize there was something "wrong" with me. Those gentlemen, along with their families helped. You know you are lonely when you spend Christmas by yourself with a fire going, drinking red wine, and listening to sad love songs at 2 a.m.. They helped me through my first official "dark" time. Thank you.

After that year, I decided to attend school. I moved to Halifax. Life speeds up now. The 'city'. At the age of 22, I was living in Halifax from Monday to Friday going to school. On weekends, I would fly to Newfoundland to play Senior Hockey. Senior hockey was fun. I abused the lifestyle, though. After games, I would drink heavily. It was my way to cope and not deal with my demons. I played so many games hungover on Sunday's. Guess what they were paying me to play? I won't say, but for a 22 year old, it was a lot. I drank and gambled a lot of it away. It was so bad sometimes, I would be in Newfoundland on Sunday, play a game of hockey, after the game I would get intoxicated to the point where I would wake up in my bed in Halifax on Monday morning. That's messed up. I would have no idea what would happen from Sunday 6 pm to Monday noon. What a mess.

I only done that for a year or two. Then I turn my attention to coaching. I started out doing Junior B for two seasons. Then I moved on to Junior A as an Assistant Coach. Done that for year and half, along with half of year of Major Bantam and Major Midget. I am currently in my second year as Head Coach and General Manager of the Yarmouth Jr. A Mariners. It is my dream job. I love Yarmouth. I love the passion they have for hockey. We share that. I love the people. It is home. And since I have become public with my illness, the support I have got has been unreal. From friends to people I have never met before. It has been awesome. I thank you.

What's the point of my story? Hockey is the point. It is my life. It saved me. I love it. I really do. Everything I do is related to it. If I haven't been involved with hockey, I would have found a way to kill myself. What else would I have to think about? I don't know much else. It is my passion. And I haven't felt it ever disappear. Except when I was twisted with my demons.

The good memories I have. The good people in my life. The experiences. Everything comes from hockey. Everything stems from hockey. I would not have met the people I have if it wasn't for me coming to Nova Scotia to play hockey. My son would not be born. The people I have met. None of it would have existed in my life without hockey. I consider myself a "Bluenoser" now. I absolutely love Nova Scotia. I am a Newfie. But Nova Scotia is my home. I have met so many amazing people here. My son is a Nova Scotian. I guess I have dual citizenship.

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith