Masculine is defined as, "having qualities or appearances traditionally associated with men, especially strength and aggressiveness." (Dictionary.com)
There are some words in that meaning that hinder us as men when it comes to our mental health.
Today is International Men's Day, November 19. It isn't to recognize men for feats or accomplishments. It is a day that is used to 'raise awareness of men's well-being'. In this case, our mental health.
Growing up in a rural area of Canada, where men worked extremely hard on the land and sea to provide for their families, being 'manly' was something that was promoted openly. You had to appear strong, be able to drink a lot, withstand verbal barrages, and most of all, be 'tough'. It is a cultural and traditional thing that has been apart of Newfoundland and Labrador for all of our history. It was unaccepted to appear weak or show vulnerability, such as crying. That's not 'manly'. We are still somewhat in this mindset, but as we understand more about our mental health now, but why are we still afraid of showing emotion or being vulnerable?
Men Don't Cry
Or men are not allowed to cry. Who made this rule? Boys don't cry. It is not a law, but is preach as if is was. Usually, another male telling us that we are not allowed to cry. Telling us to withhold a basic emotion. Why? It is perceived as a weakness. That's why. And we know men cannot be weak.
Here's a short story about a young man. He grew up in a household where sports dominated the dialogue and media within. Sports, which is the ultimate symbol for masculinity, taught this young man that crying is not acceptable, especially to another man, such as his father. This young man hardly ever cried in his father's arms, because this is not tough. His father's friends were young male adults that were athletes as well. Safe to say, there were many male role models present for the young boy. The boy looked up to them all. Never once did he see them cry or become vulnerable in front of each other. That just wasn't the way.
This young boy grew to become a young man himself. Had relationships with women where he showed zero emotion. He never seen it ever. Emotion? What's that? He cannot show that. Crying is weakness. Get real. He will never cry in front of people, especially his father or friends.
This young man was in a relationship with a female that he cared about a lot. She brought the relationship to an end, which happens. The emotion was inside just ready to burst out. But he kept holding it in. He cannot give in to the pain and sadness inside. That was his burden to bare. Not anyone else's. One day, this young man went to his father's after playing a sport he loved. The young man went into his bedroom and the waterworks began, hoping the security of his bedroom would keep his father out.
That was the first time I ever cried to my dad about a failed relationship. It only took 33 years for me to do so. To feel vulnerable to the point where he would see his only son struggling to grasp for breath as his cheeks were soaked with tears. As a father, I am assuming that is not a favourite scene. I didn't know what he was going to say, but whatever it would be, it would be supportive. I knew that my dad had my back, no matter how bad I felt. I didn't want to cry in front of my dad in fear that he may judge it as a weakness. I never seen him cry before.
I felt better after that emotional groundbreaking moment with my father. Like a weight was lifted off my back. It was new territory in our relationship. It was the, "it's OK to cry to my dad about things if I get overflowed with emotion", moment.
A week or so ago, I did that same. I broke down, tears rolling fast, "Dad, I can't do this anymore."
He was there with a hug and reminded me how far I've come and how strong I actually am. In a moment where I thought life was over and I wanted to quit, he was there, holding his son who is bigger physically than him but drained psychologically. No questions asked, he held me and reminded me that everything is going to be OK.
Dads, it is important for us to open up that emotional connection with our sons. It ensures them that you are there for them. It tells them that men/boys are allowed to cry. It gives them a sense of trust to come to you with problems that they will encounter in life. It starts with us to eliminate this falseness that men always have to be tough or 'manly'.
Society's Expectations
As individuals, we have less issue discussing our feelings. In an intimate setting, with less people present, it is easier to speak of such things. I notice, it's as a whole that pressure is placed on men to be 'manly'. When I say 'society' I have no idea where this pressure originates from. I mean, if I spoke to people individually, they support mental health awareness. Only when they become apart of a whole, their voice may change. This is unfortunate.
We need to start thinking for ourselves people. Have our own ideas. Do not be influenced by others. Just because something was, doesn't mean it is or continue to be so. Our minds are beautiful and powerful. We need to create our own thoughts. So, close your eyes, sit back, and I will try to help you with an image.
There's a little boy that's in grade 5. He loves school for the most part. He has friends there, does his work, and enjoys his teachers. Unbeknownst to the child, or anyone at that time, he has social anxiety. He wants to be apart of groups or teams. It gives the sense of belonging.
One day, in the library, the teacher assigned 'group' work. Two of his classmates told him he could not be apart of their 'group'. Remember, little boys aren't allowed to cry, especially in front of people or in school. As his classmates reject him, he stands there, feeble, as he can feel his eyes building up full of tears. He knows the feeling all too well. The teacher can't help him. Other classmates can't help him. Surely, the two that rejected him cannot help him. It's a lonely and helpless feeling.
That day I tried everything to hold back the tears. I failed. How weak. How embarrassing. What a loser. Instead of saying, "Yes. I am crying". I said something way different. I said, "Every Wednesday, I get sore eyes". (Yes. I remember the day, location, and people. That was 1997) So, to keep up this charade or act, each Wednesday, I had to get 'sore eyes' so my story would be viable and to prove, that I did not cry on that Wednesday afternoon. Safe to say, I dreaded Wednesday's for awhile.
This is what society told me to do. I was not allowed to cry in school. People would laugh at me. My peers, laughing at my pain. That's an awful feeling for anyone to endure, regardless of age. I will never forget this event in my life.
How do we change this attitude I had so many years ago? We must work together to become a supportive society. Tears are not a weakness. We must respect others. No one knows what another person may be going through. As a little boy in grade 5, I felt pressure from society, not to show emotion when I was extremely hurt. I was in grade 5 for fuck sakes. My mind shouldn't be on trying to live a lie each Wednesday so I wouldn't be accused of crying. There was pressure. I felt it.
How am I 'Manly'?
What defines a man?
A big bank account? Maybe, but what if he's abusive in his relationships and covers it up with his money or connections. Does a big bank account give you values?
Is it 'manly' to be a bully and talk down to others? To show you're above someone?
Maybe it is 'manly' to love many women/men in your life. Sexual conquests make us 'manly'?
What about if I can drink lots of alcohol? Is that 'manly'?
How about teasing people when they are emotional?
Courage and strength are often words associated with being 'manly'. That's where I will go. That's what I believe. That's how I am 'manly'.
Once upon a time sexual conquest or having money meant to me that I was 'manly'. That is complete bullshit. That was nothing but insecurities. Covering up.
Four main risk factors to men's mental health are;
1. Alcohol/drug abuse: I never used illicit drugs or became an alcoholic, but I did binge drink with the best of them. That was a form of hiding and coping. I done that for so many years. Made mistakes and lost relationships because I was afraid of the truth within myself.
2. Social Isolation: I met some people last weekend. Seem like good people to me. Way outside my comfort zone. But before admitting to my poor mental health and mental illness, I always isolated myself, how? Video Lotto Terminals (VLTs). Just me and the colours and noise. I was isolated from the outside world. Evidently, I developed an addiction that cost my money.
3. Lethal Methods: When I think about suicide, it's gruesome. No other details are needed here.
4. Reluctant to seek help: I was this person. Afraid of what I may find out or be told. Ashamed of what may be wrong. Belief that no one can help me. I am a man, I don't need help.
This is the one we can change men. We have the power to overcome all risk factors, but I believe that seeking help is the attainable one. And in my experience, once seeking help happened, the other risk factors were lowered.
So, how am I 'manly'? This is what I came up with.
Seeking help.
Give up binge drinking and drug use.
Being emotional when I feel it.
Understand my feelings and expressing them.
Treat people with kindness.
Be a good father from afar.
Be a better brother.
Be a son that my parents can be proud of.
Be a good friend.
Taking care of myself; emotionally, psychologically, and physically.
And someday,
Be a loving and super hard working husband/partner.
Love like no other.
Become a father, again.
Loyalty. Honesty. Openness.
Inspire the uninspired.
Help those in need.
Be a role model for our youth.
Never giving up my battle.
And if that's not 'manly' enough for you, really, do I care? Not one bit. This is my life and this is what I do.
So, am I 'manly'.
Simple.
Yes. Very.
"Life is too short to be little. Man is never so manly as when he feels deeply, acts boldly, and expresses himself with frankness and fervor."
- Benjamin Disraeli
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
