Letter to Nash

Dear Nash,

Every time I think about you and every second I am away from you, my heart aches and I tear up. Daddy is sick and he is working on getting better. You're not going to read this until you're older. You're not going to understand it until you even older.

In January 2016, you're daddy got diagnosed with Clinical Depression. It is a Mental Illness. It hurt daddy. There were nights when I wasn't sure I was going to make it. You and mommy kept me going, kept me fighting. You haven't saw much of daddy, and I have no idea how this will all work out. I need you to know that I love you so much. I miss you so much. Every second we are apart, it hurts more and more. Daddy is sorry. I tried.

Nash, you are my inspiration, my life. My job as a father, as a dad is to raise you. Be there for you. Protect you. Give you strength. Fight for you. Daddy isn't doing a very good job of that right now. Mommy is being so strong for you right now. I can't even begin to imagine how she is doing it. It's a display of true strength and perseverance.

Nash, you are the light when I am surrounded by darkness. You guide me out of my maze of thoughts. "Hold my hand, daddy", is what I hear. You know the way because you are the light. As hard as it is for me right now, I hear your voice, telling daddy everything will be OK. It should be me reassuring you that, but it's you comforting me. You're a strong boy. Stronger than daddy.

I am not sure how your life with go Nash. I may not be there for you to wipe those tears or to take away the pain. I may not be there your first day of school, or for your first hockey goal. I may not be there for your first girlfriend or your first kiss. We have no idea how this will play out. I want you to remember one thing. You gave me strength when I felt my weakest. I may be surrounded by darkness, but you are the light, the hope that keeps me grasping for breath. You are next to me fighting these demons.

You make the fight worthwhile. I can take the punches because of your strength. I am starting to learn how to throw some back, too. Daddy is fighting for his life, but  it's yours that matter the most. Your life is my fuel. I am in the early rounds of my fight, but I won't stay down. I will rise. I will win. I will always be with you. I will see you soon.

Love Daddy