That's the negative thinking.
Another thought passes. And another comes to mind.
I had to ask myself a few questions.
What exactly have I failed at? I don't have a job and am completely broke. Does that make me a failure? I live with my sister while I am trying to get back on my feet. Does that make me a failure? I rely on my family and friends for financial support. Does that make me a failure? I do not get to see my son everyday because we have a healthy, split family. Does that make me a failure?I have had a few relationships not work out. Does that make me a failure?
Does all of that qualify me as a failure? Maybe in some circles of people. To the crude and narrow-minded. Maybe in some obscure perspectives, people see me as a failure.
But not to the most important person.
To me. I am not a failure.
Some days I think I am. I feel I am. Not on this day. I remind myself of the following accomplishments;
- High School Valedictorian
- 3 Time Junior A (MHL) Champion
- NCAA Division 1 Athlete
- University Graduate
- Father to a young boy that I dearly love
- Decided to quit drinking
- Fighting a mental illness everyday, in one way or another
- Helping other people with their mental illness or health issues
- Speak openly about my depression in a society that still has trouble understanding
- People actually telling me I helped save their life
- People telling me that I have influenced and inspired them
- I have been the happiest in my life ever, while my bank account reads. $ -13.89
Not bad for a failure. But a failure I am not. I am my own biggest critic. Tonight, as I lie wide awake while the people in my world sleeps, I have decided to be great. I have decided to take ownership of my life.
I was discouraged earlier this day. I was focusing in on all the wrong in my life. The things that I do not currently have in my life. Job. Money. Wife. Son (daily). House. It made me sad. It also made me think. It made me think I was a failure. Then I decided that is not what I am.
So, I took action. I began to look for jobs. A challenge for someone like me who has spent the majority of his adult life playing or coaching hockey. A challenge for someone like me that has trouble handling bad news, like being told you did not get the job. I don't have the experience most employers seek. But I do have the life experience that many people will never get in their entire life.
The way I see it, it took me this long in life to realize it is difficult and you have to work for everything. If it was easy, everyone would be living a fulfilling life.
I have fell down several times in my life. I will probably fall a time or two again. But every time I have fallen, I somehow found a way to rise, again and again.
I have built my resiliency from my failures in life.
I have been fragile in my life. Though, I have never broken.
I have no idea how powerful and lasting my resiliency is. I will realize that power when I am about to take my last breath and close my eyes for the final time. For every struggled I encountered, I found a way to battle back. There are no style points. I have been knocked down so many times that I am quite comfortable being on the ground and in the presence of adversity. I am no stranger being faced down in the dirt all by myself. With every action, there is a reaction. Every time I have tasted the ground, I managed to turn over, faced up, and had the courage and ability to rise to my feet, especially when it is easier to stay down and quit.
With that being said, it is time for me to take control of my life. I believe I am in the recovery stage of my depression battle. In my world, that means more good days than bad. More happy thoughts than sad. More life than death.
Today I applied for a job and looked up many others. Yeah, to most people reading this, that may seem like nothing. For someone that has depression like me, it means a lot. It means progress. A step in the right direction. I am probably not going to get that job, or the next one I apply for. That's not going to stop me. I am no longer afraid to face life problems or some adversity. Rather, I am built for it. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.
I know how to handle setbacks. It is a skill I learned and developed. It takes time. It takes strength. It takes almost everything. It almost took everything. I am grateful for the resilience I have built up. It has kept me alive. Kept me pushing forward to where I am now.
A broke, jobless, worthless success. It hasn't been the easiest ride, but smooth seas never made a skillful sailor.
"I think one thing is that anybody who's had to contend with mental illness - whether it's depression, bipolar illness or severe anxiety, whatever - actually has a fair amount of resilience in the sense that they've had to deal with suffering already, personal suffering."
- Kay Redfield Jamison
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
