I read a blog recently, and the lady describe my Christmas
exactly how hers was going; long nights watching same old movies I have seen 100
times before, scrolling through social media seeing other people smiling, and
wondering why my life is so terrible at times. I don’t envy other people’s
happiness or joy, nor am I jealous. On the contrary, it gives me some joy and
emotion seeing my friends and family happy. It gives me hope that maybe some
Christmas soon, I will get to create and share my own moments of happiness. For
the time being, it’s just not in the cards for me.
I could pretend that everything is alright, and I am happy,
and Christmas is the best time of the year. I can’t do that. I am not faking
anymore. Christmas is truly the most difficult for me because it was this time
two years ago I had my serious mental breakdown, and almost took my own life. I
have a bad memory, but that is something you don’t really forget.
Along with the traumatic events of two years ago, it is also
the time when I feel the loneliest and most vulnerable for a relapse. (A
relapse for me would be to attempt suicide or to find my way back into the
darkness). I can talk more openly and freely about this now because of my psychotherapy
and work I have done to handle these disturbing thoughts.
Last year, I think these thoughts would have more weight and
influence over me. But due to my work with ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy),
I have learned the skills necessary to handle and deal with these troubling
thoughts.
I need to make one thing clear; I may generate these
thoughts of darkness, but I don’t want to. I also can’t stop them. And to a
certain degree, I cannot control them. That being said, I can understand them
and defuse them.
Here’s a recent thought I had at 2:10 am on December 23rd,
2017; (This may be difficult for some to read because it is very difficult for
me to write. I wrote it in my journal).
“I can kind of get
pass the suicide thoughts. Though, my thoughts take me to, instead of killing
yourself, T.J., why don’t you just disappear.”
This can be a very challenging thought if I did not know how
to handle it. The thought that followed was also disturbing.
“How could I fake my
suicide and move away from everything?”
Again, tough thought. My reasoning is I want to get away
from my life. You know, the ‘life’ that consists of no money, no work, not
seeing my son much, living with my sister, and uncertainty of my future. Maybe
I can start a new life?
But in reality, that will not be a solution to my illness or
situation.
Thoughts are not real. They are just what they are,
thoughts. A bunch of neurons firing in the brain creating all kinds of shit in
your mind. If you follow through on those thoughts, that’s how they become
reality. I am at the point where I can distinguish thoughts from actions.
A metaphor for thoughts I read makes perfect sense to me. Imagine
that I am the sky. And what happens in the sky? Weather.
Weather changes daily and comes in all magnitudes and sizes.
Our thoughts are no different than the weather. I, the sky, is the constant.
Never changing. It’s the weather that changes. There are big storms and small
storms. There are tornadoes and hurricanes. There is rain and ice. All negative
weather patterns.
But there is also sunshine and rainbows. Just like my
thoughts.
And just like the weather, our thoughts pass.
What comes after a storm? Usually nice, peaceful weather.
That’s my hope. I can get through this temporary storm and enjoy the sunshine.
This is the key to dealing with the negative or problematic thoughts,
understand that is what they are, just thoughts, and they will pass.
Am I really going to fake my own suicide? No, I am not.
My point is this, no matter how difficult your thoughts may
be, especially this time of year, there is hope and a way of preventing
yourself from falling back into the darkness.
This is not meant to be a sad blog post. This is a post
about hope and positivity.
Listen, I can’t compare my life to others or my depression
to others. No two people are the same and everyone who has depression doesn’t
encounter what I have/had.
I want to reinforce the fact that this time of year is hard
for people with depression. I get it. I understand it. I empathize with it. But
you can handle this.
It is totally OK to feel that way. Do not feel pressured to
be something you’re not. Recognize your challenging thoughts as passing weather
and realize it doesn’t make you a bad person, or crazy, or whatever it tells
you.
Christmas, in my opinion is about family, friends, and the
connections we share amongst those people we love.
No disrespect intended, but how many of us truly celebrate
the birthday of Jesus Christ? I don’t remember having a birthday cake on
Christmas morning, saying “Happy Birthday Jesus”.
It’s about being with the people we love and care about. I
know the people around me love me and care for me. But I cannot show or express
that well right now because I struggle with this season. I have spent more
money on gifts this year than ever before. I just want to give to others, and
hopefully, it helps me feel something good about myself, even if it is just for
a second. Seeing someone else happy ignites something in me. Something good and
positive. Hell, I let my son open three gifts yesterday. I just wanted to see
his joy.
You will be surrounded by people physically in a room or
party, and feel lonely. I get it. Don’t worry about it (those are terrible
words to say, but coming from me and where I have been, trust me).
Stay patient with the process of getting better. It’s a
long, hard road to recovery. It’s a challenge, but it feels so good once you
overcome this challenge.
I am not writing this on Christmas Eve to look for sympathy
or to put a damper on the holiday. I am writing this to the people that need it
the most. The people that are surrounded by so many, but feel so alone. My
message is, you’re not alone. That’s just your thoughts telling you some lies. Not
everyone in your life will understand you, but I do. And I want you to remember
this when or if you’re feeling down. I am with you all the way. Because,
whether you know it not, you are with me and together we will overcome this
because we are fighters and will battle.
We might not fully understand it, but life is an amazing and
wonderful thing. It is something worth celebrating and being grateful for. To
all my friends, family, and strangers out there that find this a difficult time
of year, I am here for you and you’re there for me.
I do not believe in giving in to my demons. I will endure
the pain and conquer the thoughts. Defeat is not an option. Hopefully, my words
help you understand that as well.
This is a time of year when our mental illnesses can really
play havoc on our lives. Do not allow that to happen. You have the ability to
fight. All you need is hope. Hope is the most powerful word this time of year.
Hope is far greater than medications and books. Hope comes from within and it’s
one thing that is truly yours. You give birth to the hope inside of you. With
hope, you can overcome any obstacle that stands in front of you.
Happy Holidays!
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite Hope.”
-
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
