What A Difference- April 24, 2016

Most of my journal entries are dark, negative, and full of sadness. Much like the illness of Depression. People seem to like reading them, so I am told. I guess seeing the inside of a guy’s mind that suffers from Depression is an intriguing story. Well, this is not one of those stories. Instead of darkness, this is a story of the light. There is no negativity, just positivity. No sadness or anger. Just happiness and joy.

It’s unbelievable how good I feel. Knowing where I was just a few weeks ago to where I am today is truly remarkable. Obviously I get asked often, “How do you feel today?” My reply is concise and simple- “Great!” I really do. I am not just saying it. I tell you if I was having a bad day.

I feel terrific and I was fired from my dream job less than a week ago. I credit the ECT Treatments, medications, and the work of the professionals at the Mental Health Unit at Yarmouth Regional Hospital. I didn’t think feeling this good was possible, ever for me. Life has meaning and purpose. Colours are bright and vibrant. Things matter now. Time has slowed down. I speak more happily.

This is quite possible the best I’ve ever felt. This will be an entry about hope, inspiration, and strength- three things outside of the science and medical world that help get me to where I am today. People would use those words with me early in my recovery. They didn’t hold a lot of meaning to me. They do now. I live by those words.

Hope is something that really isn’t a thing. It’s a state of mind. I didn’t believe in hope. I had lost all hope in my life and myself. I was completely and utterly hopeless. I don’t have that feeling anymore. My hope is seeing my son score his first goal in hockey. My hope is to help my son with his homework. My hope is to fall in love with an amazing woman. My hope is to grow old with that woman. I use to think hope was not real. I was wrong. Hope is a very real element of life. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I know that now. I am extremely hopeful about my life.

Inspiration was non-existent with me during my Depression. Getting out of bed was a chore. I had trouble completing the simplest of tasks. I didn’t want to do anything or see anyone. I avoided life. I didn’t have the get up and go. Nothing mattered. I am now inspired each day. Some days are not as good as others, but I am inspired. I am inspired to become a better person than I was the day before. I am inspired to become a better human being. I am inspired to live!

Strength is by far one of my greatest attributes. I just didn’t decide to be strong one day out of the blue. It took many years to develop my strength. The events I have endured over the past few months have made me strong. I don’t know if I have regrets. I guess in some ways, we all have regrets about something in our past. Something we wished we had a second chance at. I do not view the regrets as negative things. I use all experiences, good or bad, as learning skills to become stronger. I believe character is developed and revealed during hardship and adversity. In the last six months I have lost a girlfriend. With her, my son to a different community (we have a good, working relationship now, but it is still hard not seeing Nash every day). I have cried so hard and long to the point I could barely breathe. I looked my parents in their eyes to tell them I wanted to kill myself. I was admitted into a Psychiatric Unit on three different occasions, where I spent about a total of eight weeks. Once I was discharged from the hospital the last time, I was fired from my job by my father of all people. Adversity can be an enemy or foe. I got stronger with each incident I endured. I did bend, but I did not break. Mentally, I have been to hell and back several hundred times, but I am still here. I get strength from friends, family, my son, my parents, from new people I meet, and from strangers. After everything I have been through, I feel I can handle anything that comes my way because of the support I have. Honestly, just a few weeks ago I would have believed that to be impossible. Never going to happen was my belief. That’s not the case. Right now, I am beating my Depression because I am strong and I have help from others. I am a fighter and I refuse to give up. Giving up is the easiest option. ‘Easy’ is not a characteristic of the strong. ‘Weak’ is not a word I know the meaning to. I was strong by admitting to my illness and seeking help. Coming face to face with my problem, my illness, that was strength. I am strong because I speak truthfully and transparently about my experience with Depression. I am strong because I decide to not give in and made a commitment to do whatever is necessary to not only stay alive, but to live my life to the fullest. I am strong because I openly express my feelings. I do not conceal the tears anymore. I am strong because I no longer fear this illness.

I truly do not know what tomorrow will bring. I have no clue what will happen next week. Currently, I am jobless, I have no money, and thousands of dollars in debt. I live in a very small basement apartment by myself. I get to see my son about three or four days out of a two-week span. I swallow about six pills daily. I love where I live, but don’t have too many close friends. I love the town I am in, but have to leave. But you know what? This is the best I have ever felt. I am happy. Go figure.

I am not sure what the score is, but I feel I am finally winning. I don’t feel defeated. I am living proof that it is possible to do the impossible- fight this illness. It took me many trials. Switching up medications several times. Relapsing. Three visits to the hospital. Many, many negative and self-harming thoughts. I am no longer damaged. I am beginning the restoration process of my life. It’s impossible to go lower that I have been. I have been to the bottom of the pit. Getting out of this hole will not be an easy process. I have begun the journey and for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel I am on this journey alone. I know there is support from many facets of my life. In fact, I am glad I spoke about my illness. There is no telling what would have happened to me. I would have carried on with my miserable existence and someone finding me dead at some point.

Here’s my advice based on my own experience; if you feel you are suffering from a Mental Illness, please find the strength and courage to speak about it. It may have physical signs, but it is an illness that needs to be spoken about. Break the silence. Seek help. Don’t be ashamed or scared of what people may think. Put it this way, if people in your life do not understand or want to understand, there is no room for them in your life. Surround yourself with people who unconditionally love you regardless of your ailment. People that will support you through the bad and good. You may think those people do not exist, but they do. I am one of those people. I understand.

“Work hard for what you want because it won't come to you without a fight. You have to be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. If somebody puts you down or criticizes you, just keep on believing in yourself and turn it into something positive”

                                                                                                           - Leah LaBelle

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith

Hate Towards Myself- April 11, 2016

I wrote the excerpt on my third time back to the hospital. These posts are meant to give some insight to someone suffering from Depression. Remember, I am a functional human being; I just suffer from an illness. I keep record so I can track how far I have come. And how far have I come so far? Tremendous amount. This is the best I have felt in years and recent memory. I have come a long way. Although, there may be negative thoughts, I am better. My health is better and I am doing great. I am more motivated, concentrated, and focused on things in my life. I feel the new me being born. A motivated and inspired T.J. is appealing. I saw a line today, 'adversity builds character'. If that is true, I have built my character vastly. I am strong, inspired, and happy.

Hating Myself

I cannot stand the reflection in the mirror. I don’t like what I see. I don’t hate anyone but myself. I truly do. I don’t love myself. It’s an indescribable feeling of worthlessness. I thought I could be strong. I don’t feel very strong right now. Emotionally, I am a wreck. How can I hate myself so much?

I am very selfish person. I know this. I am not sure where or when I developed the undesirable trait, but I did. I know it is a weakness of mine. I am trying to change. I keep reverting back. I hate that I am selfish. What’s worst, I feel I am incapable of change. Not afraid, just incapable.

I hate me. I cannot love myself. I suck. I am not a bad person. I am not a great guy. I know I am selfish. One of my best friends told me this, as well. I didn’t disagree. He was right. I want to punch my mirror every time I look at it.

I don’t know what the cause of this hate is. It’s a problem. I have no solution. Maybe it’s an unsolvable problem. It is an awful feeling. How can I love if I hate myself? Perhaps, I am crazy. I am afraid of myself; knowing the damage I can impose on myself. Fearful. The hate for myself was so overwhelming, I had to admit myself to the hospital…again. This is the third time. I ask myself, what do I feel? Empty. Lost. I was driving today on the highway. Several times I thought about swerving into oncoming traffic. I really hate myself.

I could die without saying goodbye. I don’t have any remorse. What am I thinking? Let me try this; I am thinking I am better off to my friends, family, and strangers by being dead. It doesn’t faze me. It is a very selfish, reoccurring thought that I sometimes cannot shake. I wonder what ‘normal’ feels like.

Why do these thoughts and feelings continue to come about with me? I consider myself a danger. The pain, it hurts. Cannot describe it. But it is there. I wish there were easier ways to handle this illness. I have to understand nothing will be easy. Even on my best days, I quietly struggle. In agony, my day starts and I fight with myself to get up out of bed. I feel helpless. Nothing I do seems to be working anymore for me.

I need to identify the triggers. See the signs coming. But it is not that simple. These last two times, out of thin air and it just hits me. Its times like this that I feel I am fighting an unwinnable battle. Defeat before the game has even begun. I want to get better. I know I must need to endure. Some days I find it hard to find inspiration. No hope for anything. It’s an awful way to live; actually, it’s not living at all. Just sitting there alone in my apartment, not knowing what terrible thought will come next. Almost as if I am waiting for death. Hoping the next dangerous thought is the one to end my misery.

I try to think positive. It’s hard when the shadowy thoughts overrun my mind. My hands shake sometimes. I don’t know why. Well, if there is a reason, I don’t know what the cause is. I have doubt. I doubt everything. Does my son love me? Do my parents love me? Do my friends care I am alive? Not sure where these doubts originate from. I worry about everything. I am letting people down. I worry I am going to lose my job. I worry that I am a terrible father.

It isn’t good when the only feeling and thought I can see is me dead at my funeral. The wind blows gently. My face is emotionless. Cold and stale. I am a wreck.

I am reading the book, “The Crazy Game” by Clint Malarchuk. It’s an unbelievable true story by the former NHL goaltender. I have read over twenty plus chapters. Every word makes sense to me. I understand his pain. He uses the word ‘chaos’ to describe the thoughts in his mind. An excellent word to use. I am going to somehow try to reach out to Mr. Malarchuk when I get out of the hospital again. I just read the chapter of when he tried to kill himself. He refers to his actions as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I know that feeling all too well. Even more so when I use alcohol to cope.

Yes, I have used alcohol to cope recently. It was a mistake by me. I don’t remember anything. I blacked out. I was trying to kill the pain. To stop the noise. To end the chaotic world inside my head. I learned from that mistake. I am stubborn. I thought I was better. Able to deal with the real world. I was wrong. I am sorry.

Truth is- I am scared of myself. It scares me, the places my mind can go. The evils it sees. The pain that it creates. The monsters it creates. I am not normal. Realistically, furthest thing from normal. I am my mistakes. I have to wear them and heal the wounds. That’s on me. I own that. There are plenty of scars, most of which are emotional. Healing physical pain and ailments is simple compared to silencing the voices in my mind. Wherever I go bodily, those voices are with me every step of the way. I am trying to rid them. This battle with Depression has found new ways to get me off my game.

I can be very dark when I drink. I don’t want to be like that. Although, I am no angel, I need to keep my demons inside of me and not release it into the world. I cannot let my darkness out of me. It is my burden to bear. My illness. My curse.

I have put pressure on myself during my recovery. I am trying to conquer the world and defeat my Devil in one day or in one act. I’ve realized that is not the right path for me. Some days are good. There are still bad days. I need to cope with the bad days better. I am trying to fix relationships, or rebuild relationships, all while trying to take care of myself- someone who I severely hate.

How crazy am I? I don’t want to know the answer. Technically, I am not crazy, despite popular belief. Just having a few bad days. Or maybe I am a lunatic that needs to put in a straight-jacket and locked away? Or maybe I am still just a young man trying to understand his illness while at the same time trying to defeat it? There is still so much I am learning about Depression. Some days it is a battle to stay positive. To stay healthy. To stay alive.

After reading Clint Malarchuk’s story, I have realized something- I have never come to terms with my traumas. What traumas I ask? Well, Malarchuk had his throat split open with a hockey skate and he also survived a bullet to the head. I have become a miserable bastard. Misery is a way of life for me. It’s a face. An act to hide more damaging thoughts.

So what traumas have I encountered in my life. I haven’t lost many people to death. But I have lost people- or in my mind I have. I would blame everyone else, but myself. Never T.J.’s fault. Always someone else’s.

Whether it is true or not, in my head I have lost my son. I know he is safe and well where he lives. But anyone that knows me, I am attached to that boy. I love him more than life itself. Now he is going to turn four soon. I miss him more and more each day. I don’t blame him or his mother. I have come to terms it is my fault. Not seeing your child everyday is one of the harshest punishments in life. Who is teaching him about life? Who is there to hold him when he is sad? Who is there to give him advice? I know he has a wonderful mother, but it is my God Damn responsibility to be there for him. I am stuck in a Mental Health Unit while my son lives his life three hours down the highway. It’s a very touchy subject for me. I feel anger, sadness, envy, jealousy, fear, and of course, depression. I am not choosing to be a deadbeat dad. My illness has a stranglehold on my life. It is sucking the life out of me. If I can’t be with my son, it is just as well I was dead. I could kill myself now before he gets too old to remember it. Wipe myself from his memory. I mean, I don’t remember anything from when I was three or four years old.

I can feel the salty liquid leaving my armpits. I am sweaty and on edge. I have an uncomfortable feeling coming about. My neck begins to sweat. My thoughts are scary. My focus is sharp. I feel like a threat to my own being. Death, rather silence, is a viable option. If I was to take my last breath this very second, it wouldn’t bother me at all. It would bother others, but not me. The chaos would be over.

The fear. The anger. The curiosity. I want to pick a fight with someone. I want someone to pound me. I want to see how much I can take. One punch? Two punches? How much would it take to keep me down? I would like to gauge my toughness and pain threshold.

I am not expert, but I assume that cannot be regular thoughts. Who in their right mind wants the shit pounded out of them? I am not afraid, just curious and anxious. It would be ‘fight or flight’ for me. I have an illness

As of this day, there will probably be no more days where I am going to have good days. What I mean or try to mean is, I wake up each morning not knowing if I want to kill myself or stay alive. I thought I had a hold on my disease. I was wrong. I can never get too comfortable. Each day I will need to grab my sword and shield to fight off internal monsters and demons.

Now my wonder has me to ponder, when will the bad days come T.J.? Most of the bad days have come unannounced, just as it seemed I was doing well. How many trips per year will I have to make to the hospital? I have been admitted three times since January 6, 2016.

I am a true disaster. I love nothing about myself. How can anyone else love me? Each day will now be a challenge for me. My greatest adversary will be myself. Learning to tame the beast is my task. Not much luck so far.

There is no secret. This is hard. But do I give up? I cannot. It’s not in me. I am developing stronger coping methods. I cannot quit. It is not an option. It can’t even be a thought. What I have begun to do is separate the negative thoughts from reality. By doing that, it feels less likely I will do harm to myself. There are really terrible days. But I am strong enough to handle them. As much as I can feel hate towards myself, I also feel improvements. I will have some difficult days, but I will win this war. I am not going to lose.

“It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get”

- Confucius

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith

So, What's Next? - April 7, 2016

I haven’t had many dangerous thoughts as of late. In the sense I haven’t looked at a household item and somehow in my mind twist it into a weapon to do harm to myself. That’s an accomplishment for me. Sadly, it is something that I have to beat. Do I have a definite answer to why the suicidal thoughts have disappeared? No. But to make an educated guess, it is probably a combination of the medications and ECT treatments. Whatever the cause, I am a fan of the effect. I won’t say or can say I have been “Depression” free for a few weeks, but I have noticed an improvement in my mood and small increase in my energy levels.

So, what’s next? I know I continue with my treatments. I have five completed. There are five remaining as of now. I get excited to go to them. The medication helps along with the ECT’s. So, what’s next?

I haven’t made an attempt at work yet. I may have come back too early last time and I wasn’t completely ready for it. I am trying not to make that mistake again. I will see my doctor again. I will seek his advice. If all goes well and he gives me the green light, I will slowly transition and return to work. I will thread lightly. Do not want to create too much stress. It is the off-season now. No players around.

So, what’s next? I have been getting to the gym frequently. I am doing a plan I saw online. It’s a mindset when it comes to working out for me. I will never be the person to lift the most weight or run the furthest or have a tight six pack. I will be in shape. The best of my life. I am getting stronger. I can feel it physically, but more importantly, I can feel it mentally. More confidence. I have confidence in my strut now, not arrogance. I am confident when I walk into a social setting, whether it be a restaurant or grocery store, I don’t avoid people anymore. No more fear of who I may run into. I would avoid people previously. I was scared of the simplest question- “How are you?” I always had a reply, but it was always a lie. Now if someone asks me, I am comfortable and confident giving the honest feeling. “How are you feeling today, T.J.?” “Not the greatest, but I am trying to cope with the day”, can be my reply. That’s the truth. It may not be the answer most people would like to hear. It is a real answer and it is true. Some people are not sure how to handle the truth. Don’t be scared of honesty. Don’t be afraid to answer in an honest manner. And don’t be afraid if you get an honest, but negative reply from me.

Who’s approval am I searching for? My parents? My son? My ex-girlfriend? My friends? My extended family? My co-workers? My boss? In my mind, I have already let everyone down, but I am still here. That’s the mindset Depression creates. I am a deep thinker and can have some vividly detailed thoughts or visions about the future. Death would be a major blow to my direct family. You should never have to bury your child. I cannot imagine my parents want to do that. A child without his father? We are already apart and it is difficult. Being permanently gone would be worst. It’s not an easy picture when I close my eyes. The picture I see is my son growing up fatherless.

So, what’s next? Find a girl and settle down? Fresh out of one relationship and directly into another? Probably not wise. But won’t it be hard for me? “In what way, you ask T.J.?” Simple. I am not sure when the next relationship will come about for me. It is something I both look forward to but fear at the same time. I do not want to consider myself vulnerable or fragile, but that’s exactly what I am.

Do I hide my illness? No. I embrace it. Should someone be afraid of me due to my illness? Well, are you afraid of someone with diabetes? It can be difficult for someone to comprehend. I know people look at me differently. People already talk to me differently. I see the world different now. It has been a trying winter for me. I spent most of January, some of February, and most of March in a Psychiatric Unit. Most of 2016 for me so far has been in a hospital. So, in hindsight, I haven’t really lived yet this year.

So, what’s next? Back to work? A new girlfriend? Stop working out? Plan a trip? Read another book? I don’t know what is next. No one does for me. Thinking and worrying about the future only makes time tick away faster. No more of that. I write this very paragraph next to my sleeping son in the guest room of my bestfriends’ house the night before I pick my other best friend up at the airport. As difficult and twisted my thoughts can be, I consider this a very good moment for me.

Another friend of mine told me he is going to propose to a girl. Never met the girl but I asked my friend one short, complex question- “Do you love her?” He had an affirmative answer. I shook his hand, congratulated him and wish him all the best, as I truly hope he is happy.

The word love means more to women than men. Is that a fair statement? Could be debatable. I am vulnerable. Very vulnerable. I have been through internal hell several times. A frequent flyer. I am most definitely emotional. Talking to the opposite sex is a challenge for me. I don’t want to use the word fearful, so I will say I am cautious. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to add any potential stressors to my life. I don’t want to complicate my life. Do I need to make an effort to be a certain way so someone could or would like me? Do I put on an act? I know I am quite capable of that. I have put on a never-ending act the last several years. It’s easier to be fake than real. Act as someone I am not.

So, what’s next? Well, for the short term, I am getting up tomorrow morning and my son and I are driving to the airport to pick up my buddy. Then we are going to Halifax for the day and having a man’s day. That’s what is next. Who knows, maybe I will meet a new person tomorrow. Maybe my son learns something new.

So, what’s next? I honestly have no clue or idea. I cannot live in fear of the unknown or be afraid of change. I must keep battling each day, each second for the time being. I am an egg. An egg in boiling water. As my surrounding environment gets hotter and more dangerous, but like the egg, I get stronger and stronger.

“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.”
                                                                                      - Buddha

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith

Self-Awareness Assessment- March 20, 2016

When you’re in the hospital and have excessive time to think and read and talk to others, your brain will cover any assortment of topics. A topic I am by no means an expert on came up; Love. After the conversation with someone and some reflection, I wrote the following journal entry.

I had a great conversation with someone recently about finding love in my life. I expressed my feelings. Spoke about my past relationships. Questioning the future. I asked myself one question. That question branched off into many more questions. And those many more questions have very few answers. If any answers at all.

What am I looking for in a partner? Seems like a simple inquiry. Perhaps a checklist would be helpful. OK. I will do a checklist. What do I look for in a partner?....I honestly have no clue. Not the slightest idea. The only question I can answer is this one; What am I looking for in a partner. Answer? I do not know. I don’t know because I don’t know who or what I am yet.

How can I find someone when I can’t even find myself? I am battling every day, trying to make sense of who I am. What I stand for. What I believe in. I struggle to find answers. Do I require meeting someone new to fill in my blanks? I don’t know. I sucked at my previous relationships. I sucked because I was dragged down by my Depression. Some will call it an excuse. I will call it reality. I have always felt I could be suffering from Depression. It wasn’t until recently that I did some homework on the issue that the light bulb above my head went on. I hated myself so much; I didn’t know what the feeling of happiness or love was. I suppressed my thoughts and feelings so much, it created a monster within my skin.

How can someone else see or find the good in me if I cannot even find it in myself? I come with baggage. There is no way to sugar-coat it. I have a Mental Illness that turned me into a shitty partner. The worst part is, I recognized I wasn’t a loving partner and I didn’t get help for it. Not once. I was embarrassed of the illness. The effect of Depression led to the demise of my relationships. Two girls somehow saw something good in me at one point in their lives. No idea what they saw, I didn’t commence exit interviews. I can’t remember why they liked me. I have vague memories. A few pictures that tell a story I forget. I look back and think, “Man, why the hell they ever talk to me?” It’s hard to love nothing. That’s what I was- NOTHING! A non-existing partner.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when the wheels fell off any of my relationships. It was a gradual decline, starting with me. I can’t even tell myself how it happened. I don’t know anything. I am sure they cannot tell you anything good either. Just the bad. That’s all I can think of. Pointless regrets. I beat myself up for them. I can’t come to any conclusion other than, I am an unlovable partner.

I was so disturbed and mean I could extract tears within five or six words. Not a trait I admire or that I am proud of. I had practice of beating myself down with verbal jabs, it wasn’t hard for me to lash out at others with my actions or words. It’s a saddening and disgraceful skill.

I know neither will give me a chance ever again, not to say I am looking for one. I am fine with that- that is fair. I just feel so ashamed that I never got help earlier in my life. I’ve made my bed, so I will lie in it. Awake with thoughts, but it is my bed. I am not seeking a second chance. I am simply expressing my views so I can find some closure and find some answers for myself. I am admitting I wasn’t a good partner. Now I am searching for the answers to that. I am searching for things within myself. Unfortunately, I am going to fail more than I will succeed.

But I only need to succeed once to find what I am looking for. This isn’t a personal plug to show people I have changed. I know I have a long road ahead of me. I also know I am not the same person I was ten years ago. I am not the same person I was ten months ago. I am not the same person I was ten weeks ago. All I know is; I am not the same person as before. The person that hid behind his illness because he was scared to get help is gone. So whatever I was in the past, that’s staying there. Behind me, where it belongs.

So, back to the original concern; what am I looking for in a partner? Answer; find out more about myself first. I can’t list traits or characteristics of what I am looking for. There are no pre-requisites. I have to look within to find the answers. It starts internally.

Back to the basics. What do I know about myself? First off, I love hockey and mostly all sports. I am more of a player and coach than a spectator or fan. I love my son so much and I do want more kids. I love food. All of it, except celery. I love Star Wars. I even like Star Trek, but in my mind I am a Jedi Knight. I think I am funny. Honestly, I am highly thinking about trying to become a comedian at some point. I am allowed to dream big. I love my job and the community I live in. I have recently found a passion for reading and writing. I like music, but I am not a music expert. I like wine. I like beer. Tom Hanks, Leo DiCaprio, Denzel Washington, and Johnny Depp. I watch wrestling. I can be creative and open-minded. I haven’t done it a lot, but I want to travel more. I can play chess. I need to try more new things. I am more concerned with exercising than ever before. I cross my legs sometimes when I sit. I love coffee. I like tea. Tiger Woods, Roger Federer, Jaromir Jagr, Troy Tulowenski, Michael Jordan, Brett Favre. I believe there is life among the stars, which I really enjoy looking at on a clear night. I can do wine by a fireplace, beers around a campfire, or a walk on the beach at night. I don’t wear jewelry. Definitely a T instead of an A type of guy. I sometimes cannot speak right, or well. I am well read and educated. In that sense, I am very smart actually. I like to make others laugh. I tend to be organized and efficient. I consider myself a dual-citizen; Newfoundland and Nova Scotia. Actually, thinking about getting a tattoo with something that represents both. I am proud to represent both provinces. I am thinking of trying out for Big Brother Canada next season if I can. Sometimes my breath gets bad. I am conscious of it. I hate it.

I have big lips and nose. My hair isn’t great. I can be silly. I can be serious. I am more thoughtful than ever before. I like numbers more than words. I cannot sing. I do suffer from Depression and sometimes have suicidal thoughts. I am not my past mistakes. I can be very stubborn. Do not take food off my plate unless I invite you to. I brush my teeth twice a day, sometimes three times. I wear track pants more than jeans. I do love wearing a suit to my job on game days. I have a sweet tooth. I am, or used to be scared of heights, but I love flying. Boxers over briefs, if I wear anything at all. I like doing laundry and dislike doing dishes. I don’t have any pets, but dogs are my type of animal. Not really into scary movies. Though, I do love going to the movies. Red wine with steak. White wine with chicken or fish. I can barely stay above water. I struggle to ride a bike. I have learned to be more open with my feelings. I have trust issues. More of a night guy than a morning person. Trying to work on that. Aries. Snickers. Mini Eggs. Ketchup and Salt & Vinegar chips. I know the difference between your, you’re, their, there, and they’re. Blue Jays, Raptors, Packers, Canadiens, Alouettes. Amy Adams, Cate Blanchett, and Jennifer Lawrence. I want to hike through Gros Morne National Park or Torgnat Mountains in Labrador. I believe in ghost. I can come off selfish, arrogant, and cocky. Not my intentions at all. I call it stupidity, confidence, and unaware. I really can’t take a hint. It needs to be clear. No hidden or mixed messages. I like to go grocery shopping and cooking new meals. I chew my fingernails. I have loud sneezes. I love a woman in heels. No preference in hair colour. I tend to get along with older people, male and female, better than younger.

That just took me an hour to think and feel all of that. That’s me in a nutshell, no pun intended. Probably missing things, but I now have more of an idea by writing it all out. It helps to understand when I see things on paper. I can physically see my thoughts and feelings. It helps with my self-awareness.

I dream of my next relationship partner. Not sure where she is or when I will meet her. Maybe I already know her. Whatever the scenario, I have an understanding of what I am looking for. She will be loved like a Goddess and treated as a Princess.

“Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.”
                                                                                         - Jim Morrison

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith

It's Coming...Eventually- March 15, 2016

How do you prepare for the inevitable uncertainty? You know it is coming. There is no cheating it. There is no way to watch it pass by. It is natural as the human heart. It's not a test. It can be viewed as a destination. You don't know when it will come. The anticipation is our life. Everything we do or don't do in life will come to a halt. It's not how you finish this race. Actually, life isn't a race. No need to rush through it. We know what is at the end. This isn't a race, even though there is a finish line. We will all get the checkered flag at some point. And what follows the checkered flag? A celebration.

I read more than ever now. Learning new insights on things in life. What makes it valuable. One thing I am trying to rid myself of is hate. It isn't easy when you are filled with sadness and anger. How to empty my heart with the sadness and anger? Answer; Forgiveness.

I just read a short excerpt from a book. Got my brain thinking and my heart feeling. Forgiveness. Never thought of it before. Too bitter and blaming everyone else for my problems. Was always feeling sorry for myself. Never my fault. I have recently opened my heart and began a forgiveness journey. I knew where my first stop was down this road. I am not getting into details about the situation. No one's business but the people involved. But I have forgive that person. I have accepted that. I am aware of myself. I am honest with myself when I say, "I have accepted this fate". What I have come to terms with is you cannot change a person's feelings. But more importantly, the heart does not lie. I see and feel the love. It isn't for me. And for the first time, I am OK with that and have accepted it. It makes me happy to see someone else happy. There is no competition or envy. Just joy. It's a good thing. A happy thing.

It's kind of like death. Well, no. On second thought, death isn't a happy thing. That's what life is for. To create happiness and joy. To smile. When I die, my legacy will be quantified by the smiles at my funeral, not the tears. It will be measure by the lasting impressions I leave on my friends, family, and even strangers. When I die, my eyes will close and my heart will be open. (I think that is a line from The Bucket List). There is no point going through life filled with anger, sadness, and other negative feelings. Living with those feelings only get you to death faster.

Anger is a by-product of the Devil. The more that is in you, the more likely you will live a life in anguish and die with a frown on your face and a locked gate to your heart. It is easier to hate than to love, but it is also easier to die than live. They go hand-in-hand.

Being vengeful decays the heart. Tears away at it. Hinders it's ability. Wounds do heal. No matter how deep the cut is. They may leave scars. It is from those scars that we use as reminders to not make the same mistakes. We all have been wounded in our lives. I encountered and so far, endured a swarm of wounds recently. It tore away at my heart, mind, and soul. It brought me to my knees. It had me clutched in a nasty submission. I almost tapped out. I was minutes from giving up. A few last breaths from my demise. That was the breaking point for me. The changing point in my life. My wounds are slowly healing. Forgiveness has stitched up some of the cuts.

I continue to reflect. Acceptance is something new for me. I will admit, it is not an easy thing for me to do. But it is a controllable factor. You decide if you accept. I chose to accept my illness and needed to get help. I have accepted that it will be a battle. I have accepted my life will be completely different. I have accepted myself. Accepting doesn't mean it is always the right answer or the favourable thing for me. Although, the one person that needs to feel good about it is me. The decisions or actions or words by others does not and cannot determine my path.

"Acceptance and tolerance and forgiveness, those are life-altering lessons."

                                                                          - Jessica Lange

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith

Turning 30

I know it isn't necessary to write all the time, but when I get overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings, I got to get things in ink. Today is my birthday. I turn 30 years old. Honestly, there were several points these past few months I didn't think I was going to make it. I have played out many end games in my head. I am not going to pretend it was easy. It wasn't. Actually, it was very hard. I was my own devil. The internal beat downs I took were almost death blows. Never would I have thought my own ideas would betray me.

But I didn't give in. It would have been the easiest thing to do. I sincerely believe the main reason I am alive still is because of other people. My parents. My son. My friends. My co-workers. My bosses. My extended family. The incredible professionals at the Yarmouth Regional Hospital. My ex. Even complete strangers have given me inspiration and hope. Given me the strength to defeat the demons that have possessed me for a long time now.

Gratitude means, the quality or feeling of being grateful and thankful. There are not enough languages in the world that can describe how grateful and thankful I am. I am humbled. Every message, short or long, brings a tear to my eye. The authentic care from everyone is awe-inspiring. There are great people out there. Everyone is my inspiration. My strength. My hope.

I have made so many new connections with people since I have openly spoke about my illness. I got a message from a young man today. He told me he has come out publicly with his depression. Told me I gave him strength, when in all honesty, when I saw that message, I instantly had a connection with the person and admiration. So, I know it isn't necessary, but I have to say a few thank you's.

First off, my parents. You have been there always for me, but the last few months have been critical to my health. You have not left my side for one minute. You helped with bills, moving, and Nash. All stressful events in my life, but you helped me through it. I can never thank you or repay you both for all you did for me during my time of need. To be a good parent, I don't have to look very far. I just need to model the both of you. If I turn out to be half as good of a parent as you guys, I will do great. Thank you so much for helping save my life.

To my sister and her boyfriend. I know I have said this before, but I know I haven't been the greatest brother. But through it all, you two never changed how you unconditionally love me. I never returned that love because I was not a delightful person at all. I was a hateful bastard. I am sorry and I have to thank you for standing by me.

To my co-workers and bosses. I won't use names in my blogs, but there are ten of you. I cannot express how thankful I am. If it wasn't for telling you about my illness, I may have never got help. I am also sorry for not seeking treatment earlier. My illness definitely put a strain on me to be at my optimal performance as  a coach and friend. I am forever sorry to you all and forever thankful that you are all in my life and supporting me getting better and helping me fight this battle. I hope you can find forgiveness in your hearts for me. I hope to get back to work very soon.

To my friends, family, and strangers. I am not trying to group you all together for the sake of it. It is truly amazing how good you all are. I felt a lot of you didn't care for me. Again, that was the illness playing with my feelings and thoughts. I thought, as a friend, a cousin, a nephew, or grandson, I have let everyone down. The words of encouragement I have received have been motivation for me to continue to fight this illness. To know you all had my back meant the world to me. I look forward to growing our relationships. From all across this country, I have got messages of hope. It has kept me fighting. Round after round. I don't win every round, but I do endure them.

To the professionals at Yarmouth Regional Hospital. I considered that place home for about six or seven weeks, and not once did I feel unwelcome. Not once did I feel I was just a patient. You treated me as a human being. You encouraged and pushed me to get better. It is amazing the work you do. I won't forget any of you. You help save my life.

To my doctors. Speaking about caring individuals, I have never felt so comfortable around doctors than I do around you all. Since Day 1 of my recovery, you have been there. You are one of the smartest men I have ever met. You got me through several medication changes and spoke with me daily. Even with my current ECT treatments, you hold my hand just before I get put to sleep. That makes me feel safe and I am getting looked after by the best possible person. I am so thankful for all your help. You are making my recovery somewhat easier.

To Nash. Today you called me to wish me happy birthday. Makes me happy buddy. You also asked, "what is depression?" I replied, "It's an illness." I told you I will fight it every day. I miss you every moment we are apart, but makes our time together that more special. I am very proud of you and you keep me kicking.

What's the point of this entry? It's about expressing my gratitude to everyone who has stood by me during my battle. I keep fighting for all of you. Your encouragement and motivation has kept me alive. So, a little update.

Today I had my fifth ECT treatment. I look forward to them. I am excited to do them. It is like Christmas morning for me. I have been feeling better. My mood and energy has been better. I feel it is working thus far. I have another one next week. I am still on prescription medication that I take at night. It also helps. I have been getting to the gym regularly and trying to eat better. I am trying to revamp who and what I am as a person. It won't happen overnight, but it is the small details that make the greatest difference. It is still second by second for me. Constantly trying to improve. I may have lost the first few rounds of this heavyweight bout, but I have been throwing some hard punches the last couple rounds. Still enduring a few hits, but I am also evading more. This isn't a race. It is a process to progress. Today I turn 30 years old. Today I am excited and happy to be alive.

"It's the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen."

                                                   - John Wooden

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."

                                                     - Brian Tracy

Yours Truly, 

T.J. Smith