The Moment and Learning

During my time in the hospital, I wasn't allowed to have my cell phone or laptop. Actually, no internet or anything like that. Made sense to me. I followed the rules. In today's world, a lot of us cannot go through the day without looking at our phone to check out Facebook, Twitter, or whatever social media site we enjoy. What is it about social media that we have a thirst for? What did we do 10-15 years ago? How did we ever get by without them? I don't have the answers for that. What I do know is this; during my time in the hospital, without technology, I done a lot of reading, reflecting, and writing. Everything I wrote was my feelings or thoughts because I did not have the influence of technology. Everything was mine. Raw and real. It wasn't me trying to make up a story. When I had feelings or thoughts come about, I would reflect and write.

Conquering this illness is a battle. No one said it will be easy. The medication helps, but what I do as a person will be the difference. Who I socialize with. How I deal with situations. Who I marry. Who I kiss. Who I love. How I take care of my body. How I am as a father, son, and brother. I have made a commitment to become a better person. How to become a better person? There is no universal answer to that. If there was, I would be a rich man. I am now rich in other ways. The following excerpts are from my time in the hospital. I believe, we, as people, must learn something new each day. Better ourselves. Even if it is by the simplest things. Life is about the small details adding up. The breaths we take. Each one is important. How am I becoming a better person? I am enjoying the moment more.

"Lose not yourself in a far off time,seize the moment that is thine." -Friedrich Schiller

January 22nd, 2016

I've been writing so much. I may have already touch on some of these points. It has been ten days in the hospital. Mood and energy is slightly up. Appetite is definitely up. All else is the same.

I have decided I cannot let this illness define who I am as a person. For example, I don't want people to remember me for my illness or think of me when they hear the term "Depression". It won't be today or anytime soon, but I will make this illness mine. I have started calling it the "The Dirty D". Dirty because it brings me to a very dark and scary place.

It's not ideal living life from minute to minute, hour to hour, is it? I used to always worry about the end. For example, women. I was a jerk to women. I wouldn't listen to what they say in a conversation. It was quite simple when I was single- is she going to take me home or not? I was a womanizer. Definitely not proud of it. I am owning up and I sincerely apologize to anyone that felt used by me. That's not fair to you. Being with someone would ease the pain for me.

Back to living life in the moment. In our lives, we tend to forget to live in the now, the present moment. In my readings, I have learned to slow life down. Stop worrying about yesterday. Don't put too much emphasis on tomorrow. I now live life second to second. I have slowed down time. What? How? Well, let me explain. My depression and anxiety kicks in when I think of outside of the now. Now is all that matters. It's like taking a car ride to get somewhere. How many of us get in the car, wishing away the time to get where we are going? Don't lie to yourself. We all did it, or do it. Well, next time, slow down the ride and enjoy it. The people you are with. Talk with them. Take in the scenery. Listen to some music. Enjoy the sunset. Enjoy the coffee. It was always a means to an end for me. Now, I don't live like that. Every moment matters to me. Whether it is taking a ride or talking with someone or pouring a cup of tea. I get in that moment.

My greatest improvement thus far? Conversations. I have learned to have them in a way I can connect with the person, regardless of the topic. Before, I would zone out and not listen. Preparing a reply or cutting them off. It was rude and disrespectful. Now, I look at the person and listen to every word, every "moment" of the conversation. I don't remember a lot over the past few years. Now I know why. I didn't listen. When I speak with people now, I get into the conversation. I spoke with a childhood friend for two and half hours the other day. I can probably write out the whole conversation. I listened to every word. I didn't cut him off. I gave responses and honest feedback. One of the best conversations ever. He and I got that much tighter because of that conversation. So happy it happened. I miss you bud.

Here is a list of other things (no particular order) I have learned during my time of reflecting, reading and writing;

1. There is a place for Mental Illness and there are professionals that can help. I did not know this place existed until a few weeks ago. It saved my life

2. There are unbelievably caring nurses here. There seems to be a genuine care for the patients.

3. There are a lot of people out there that suffer some form of Mental Illness. Apparently, 60% of people they see here suffer from Depression.

4. Depression does not discriminate. Poor or rich. Famous or not. Depression does not care and anyone can suffer from it. It's a scary illness.

5. A lot of people don't know how to deal or talk to someone with a Mental Illness. Saying, "you're just having a bad day" or "tomorrow will be better" or "try not to have negative thoughts". Yeah, that doesn't help. Let me educate you.

6. Relationships are not 50/50. Meaning, I can't put 50% into it and the other person put 50% so it makes 100%. It requires 100% commitment from each person. I wish I realized that about a month ago.

7. The addictions services or Detox unit is also very helpful here at the hospital. They concern themselves with mostly alcohol and drug abuse. Not sure what I would rather- being addicted to drugs/alcohol or have Depression? No win-win there. Loss-loss only.

8. There are social workers that can help with discharge planning.

9. Psychiatrists are very smart and really the know their medications. Seem like every time I have trouble with some 'meds', they have another ace up their sleeve.

10.  I enjoy doing puzzles. My dad does too. We are pretty good at them now.

11. "Sorry" is just a five letter word between 'sorrow' and 'sort' in the dictionary. The only word in the dictionary that doesn't have a meaning. I can't figure it out yet. Maybe I will grow out of this mindset. I do say the word, and starting to feel it.

12. The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it- Eckhart Tolle said that. I will never forget it. Stop and think about this one. He is so right.

13. Separate thoughts from facts. There is either the situation or the fact. Instead of making up stories in your head, stay with the facts. Thoughts make up stories. Feelings are facts. -Eckhart Tolle

14. In the 1991 Canadian English Dictionary, 'happy' is defined as glad, content, fortunate, lucky. 'Joy' is defined as gladness, pleasure, delight. Can't remember when I felt either.

15. Can you take the thinking out of perceiving? Can I look without the voice in my head commenting, judging, drawing conclusions, or comparing? 'Perceiving' is obtaining knowledge through senses. I don't "think" about smelling or "think" about tasting. Thus, I can take the thinking out of perceiving. Not easy to do. I can know learn through my senses.

16. Do not define yourself through thought. It limits you. When you accept you don't know, you enter a state of peace and clarity. -Eckhart Tolle

17. Past or future moments only exits if you remember or anticipate them. Live in the now.

18. Naming my Demons; whenever a feeling or strong emotion arises, I identify with it. For example, if I am sad, I say aloud, "Sadness is here." Makes it more real. Or "Jealousy is here." I say it to myself. I then notice how the body feels when I say it. It helps.

19. Live in the moment and stay with the moment. Do not worry about the past. Don't fret the future. Focus solely on the moment at hand. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Whether it is drinking a coffee, doing a puzzle, or talking, really get into that moment. Don't be looking for an end result. Enjoy each second of the journey. Every moment.

20. You cannot get rid of feelings or make them disappear. This is where naming my Demons will come into play. You need to weather the storms.

21. Moving in closer to Pain. I am paying attention to Pain. It is the first step of acceptance.

Imagine what I will learn today?

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith