Just a Random Entry- for once

Losing has never really been an option for me. Everything I’ve done, especially in school and sport, I never lost. Well, of course, I have ‘lost’ in the very definition of the word, when it comes to wins and losses. Losing is easy to do- just quit. I was taught at a young age how to win and how to win with integrity and class. I was also taught to learn from your losses. For example, if it was a game of hockey, and our team didn’t win, instead of trying to look for reasons or excuses to as why we lost, I would think of what can we do next time to ensure this doesn’t happen again. Improvement through losing. Learning through losing. When you develop the ability to do that, you are always winning, regardless of the score. People always look to blame others for their shortcomings. Those people are followers. Leaders look for ways to better themselves and the people around them. I have concluded I am and was always a leader. Maybe that is presumptuous of me. I know what I am and I am a leader.

Awareness has been critical to my health improvement. Before admitting to my illness and seeking help, I was lost and had no personal definition. I didn’t know who I was as a person, boyfriend, son, friend, or father. I was just going through life, suffering more and more each day, afraid to speak of my illness. I almost lost it all. It would have been the final game for me. Lights out and end of the story. But it is not.

Self-awareness has been one of my strengths my whole life. When my Depression would be at its toughest, it robbed me of my strength. Depression was my kryptonite to my self-awareness. Alone, I would sit, quizzing myself. “Who are you?” “What are you?” “What have you done in your life?” “Does this get better?” “Am I better off dead?” “Who loves you?” “What’s wrong with me?” Do not be afraid of these questions and less afraid of the answers.

Here is a quote I saw on Twitter today- “Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are.” Find the truth in which you are before you look at others and make judgement. Look in the mirror. That’s your first challenge. Your first barrier. Once you can come to terms with who and what you are, the rest will come. You will realize there is no reason to judge others. Coming to peace and understanding  yourself will guide you to a life of enlightenment. You will have less stress in your life. This is my example. I was recently home for a week. Unbelievable week of relaxation. I used to hide tears. “Can’t cry T.J. that will mean you are weak.” No, I have realized that is not true. I also don’t credit the tears to my illness. I am OK with expressing my feelings and emotions. Why is it we have no problem smiling and laughing, but it is socially unfavourable to cry? Society does not determine my emotions and feelings. They used to. Not anymore. Back to my point. I was watching America’s Got Talent. I am not getting into what the show is about, but I enjoy it. Anyways, I was watching it late one night, and the last talent to come on the show was a young sixteen year old girl. They told her story and how she got to where she was. I started to cry. I felt connected with her story and empathized with her. I had no problem to let my feelings out and it felt great. I will attach a link at the end of this blog to the tear-jerking segment.

It was Confucius that said, “Respect yourself and others will respect you”. I have come a long way since January in that department. Actually, there are a lot of changes since January. To be honest, if you only knew me previous to me getting help, you knew the selfish, scared, and disturbed excuse of a human being. I have made a 180 degree turn and I love the path I am on. I can respect myself now. I have made the necessary transformations. I still made a few mistakes, but I have learned and thus improved my life. I have learned to surround myself with people that want to understand me. Yes, I said want to, not understand me. The effort to understand me and my illness is more important than someone lying by saying, “I understand”, with a half-assed head nod. So far, since January, one person has decided to no longer be apart of my life. It sucks because it was someone I cared for a lot and was with me through some rough times. That person had to make decisions to find happiness in their life and I respect that and understand that decision. I just want to let you know I think of you often and miss talking to you. So, since that person went down a different road, I am still on mine. My point is, surround yourself with people that care and love you. That will pick you up when you are down. That will let you be who you are and hold no judgement. That will respect you and empathize with you. That road ahead may be bumpy with a lot of steep hills and sharp turns. You need passengers and other travellers that will help you overcome any impeding obstacle. Those are the people that will help you find happiness.

Death was imminent for me. Life, in my mind, was over. It was like a game of Jenga. If I pulled one more tile from the tower, the whole thing would have came down. But instead, I sought help. I was committed to getting better and staying alive. Having suicidal thoughts, or crying alone at night are not the best feelings to have. I have come a long way in such a short time. Why do I share my story? Why not, is my reply. If I do not share my experience, I am playing into the stigma. Stigma, by definition is, " a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation". I don't feel disgrace. I am proud that I am speaking out about Mental Health. It has helped me, but it has helped even more people. That's my mission- to end the stigma. There is no need to feel disgrace or shame. Your reputation is not stained. Who the hell makes that decision or claim? Having a Mental Illness does not define who you are. You, the very being that you are, defines you. Depression is like a wet blanket dousing a flame. Preventing it from growing and shining bright. I am the fire and I am burning up the blanket. As long as there is a spark, I will continue to live. The flame that is burning inside of me is vibrant and hot. The blanket is there, at times, but I am burning holes in it. Remember, just because you have a Mental Illness doesn't mean it is the end for you. You can get help. You can get better. There is greener grass on the other side of the fence. Trust me, I lived on the side without grass for ten to fifteen years, hiding behind a mask. I know now I am leader. I am a battler. I am a survivor. I am an inspiration. You can be too. We are in this together. 

Link to America's Got Talent; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9msiUy0JN64

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

                                                                                                     - Leo Buscaglia

Yours Truly, 

T.J. Smith

30 Thoughts and Facts

I am a fan of Elliotte Friedman. He is a journalist with Hockey Night in Canada and I have always enjoyed his writing and his professionalism on TV. He has a Blog called “30 Thoughts”. It is a good and organized read. I have written a lot over the past few months to express my thoughts and feelings and to help others. I am stealing Mr. Friedman’s template to write my own thoughts and facts. These ideas of mine have developed from other things I have read, some soul-searching, and self-reflection. It’s amazing how many thoughts cross your mind when you are in a Psych Ward with no internet or mobile device. The feelings and thoughts just pour out from my heart and mind.

There are some controversial topics, but I am comfortable with telling all. No need to lie or tell secrets. I am at ease with whom and what I am. So here I go.

1. Being mentally tough is stronger than being physically strong. Tough times do not last. Tough people do.

      2. Your fears can be conquered. Like many things in life, it is not easy to defeat the fears, but it is possible. Quite possible.

3         3 .  Much like #1, mental and emotional pain hurts more than physical pain. Bruises and cuts heal relatively quick compared to the damage that can be done in your mind and in your heart.

      4. I do have one fear; Never finding love. I am ready for it now. I try not to worry on the future or be anxious, but who can ever love a man suffering from Depression? Too much risk for that person….in their mind, not in mind.

      5.  Love cannot be forced. We may have feelings for others but we cannot force or control someone to love us back. Love can create complexity if it is not real, thus it is not true.

      6. I didn’t know what love was until I became self-aware and admitted to my faults and flaws as a person. Understanding who I am is crucial for me to be able to open up and begin to love another being.

      7. There were points in my life where I questioned my sexuality. Yes, there were times when I thought I may be gay. In the depths of my Depression, I didn’t know who or what I was. I wasn’t scared of the answer. I just wanted to know the answer.

      8. As per #7, I was confused. Being a man in such a masculine sport, I had trouble with understanding myself. There were many thoughts and personal theories. I finally got an answer.

            9. I love women. I think their beauty is insurmountable. I believe there is beauty in them all and they all have their own unique ways in displaying it.

     10.  I say and express the tough thoughts or thoughts I am not supposed to have. Basically, I have no problem to say what I am thinking or say what others are thinking. For example, I have thought about tying a rock to my waist and jumping off one of the bridges in Halifax.

     11.  Keeping feelings and thoughts bottled up inside can cause internal and emotional scars.  Do not keep feelings locked away. They are meant to be shared with others.

      12.  Be kind to others. We can control some things in this world- Kindness is atop of the list. It will make you a better person. It can also be contagious.

      13.  Change starts with you. You will need help and direction but ultimately to change, the decision starts with you. Make it yours.

      14.  Do not be afraid to ask questions and ask for help. Do not be too proud to receive assistance from others. Honestly, if I didn’t ask for help, I would be dead. It kept me alive.

      15.  Be a positive role model for our youth. Everyone may not be a leader, but everyone can help our young ones make good choices.

      16.  I am not afraid of dying. I spoke with the devil and his demons. They didn’t get me to join their team. They are cowards and pretenders.

      17.  I do not need alcohol to have a good time. I was tested last weekend. I passed with flying colours. Will I ever drink again? No one knows, but I could see it happening.

      18.  My smile is now genuine. It used to be fake. I was a poser. I hid behind something that wasn’t real. Those days are behind me. I love to smile!

      19.  I want to help people that suffer from Mental Illness. I can provide peer support to others. Together we can beat this. So far, I am living proof. A survivor.

   

      20.  Suicidal thoughts are very real to me, but they do not make me crazy. It means I am opened, concerned, and comfortable about my well-being. I want to continue to live.

      21.  I am broke, jobless, and in debt. That doesn’t mean I have to be sad, hopeless, and troubled. Some of the richest people on this planet are the most unhappiness. It appears that they have it all. They have no idea.

      22.  Money and material things are great to have. I would love to have my own house, car, and job. But I rather have my friends, family, and smile. There is not monetary value on those ‘real’ things.

      23.  I am not a religious guy. That being said, I believe there was a man named Jesus. I just need more proof. I need more proof because science and what I believe in most has helped me stay alive.

      24.  What do I believe in most? I have faith in myself and people. I have overcome so many obstacles. I didn’t do it on my own. I had help. Help from people. My faith lies with me and them. The greatest weapon on Earth is people. It can be used for good and bad, unfortunately.

      25.  I am very self-aware. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I work hard to keep up with my strengths and even harder to improve my weakness. Life is a process. Growth is critical.

      26.  I love math. My dad was a high school math teacher. Numbers and stats are easy for me. I have no idea why writing has overtook that passion for numbers.

      27.  This may seem silly, but if I had not journaled my experience, I believe I would be dead. Expressing me has been one of the most imperative coping mechanisms for me.

      28.   Hope, Inspiration, and Strength are three words that I live by. They will be etched into my skin.I now understand them and believe in them.

      29.  My attitude determines how well I do in life. I may not be the best looking, or the strongest, or smartest, but my attitude towards life will be second to none. I believe it is the key to a happy life.

      30.  Lastly, if you are not happy, do not suffer. Find it now. Life isn’t as short as people say, but it isn’t to be wasted. Do not go through the motions. Make those motions into some special. Make your life special. Second chances are few and far between. Do what makes you happy. You deserve that.

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

                                                                                    - Leo Tolstoy

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith

More Needs to be Done- June 22, 2016

If it wasn’t for nurses and doctors and psychiatrists and counsellors, there is no doubt I would be dead. No questions asked. I got to a breaking point. I lost control and couldn’t handle it anymore. Life became too miserable to live. Dying was easier. No way could I carry on. Taking no breaths was easier than taking any.

I am currently home in St. Anthony, Newfoundland. The demons are stirring. The monsters are coming out from under the bed. “Come to the dark side T.J.”, they tempt me. “Sounds like an option”, I reply. I know how to end it. I have run that scenario through my head several hundred times. Sadistic images of how to kill myself. I know it is coming. What better place to kill myself than my hometown? Should I reveal how to do it? No, let’s keep the suspense up. Whoever finds me will be the first to answer that question. I am minutes from doing it. Just as well. I had enough. Goodbye!

I am in St. Anthony, Newfoundland. It’s my hometown. I love it here. The previous paragraph is not true. I am doing great and feeling awesome. I am not content. I am more than content. I am feeling tremendous. But, what if the previous paragraph was true? What if my Depression took me to my lowest of the lows? Where would I go for help? Who would I turn to? Sadly, there is no clear, define answer. I could go around the town, ask people where to go, and I bet few to little would have the answer.

I am in St. Anthony, Newfoundland. One of the most northern points in the province. Rural fishing community.  It does have a hospital that serves 37,000 people in northern Newfoundland and southern Labrador and Quebec. A staff of 1500 plus. Sounds like a very functional facility, and no doubt it is. I have many friends that work there and do amazing work. But what if I walked in and told them suicide is imminent? What could they do for me?

I am in St. Anthony, Newfoundland. I suffer from Clinical Depression. I have a Mental Health Illness. I am not crazy or insane. I am sick. Where do sick people go when in need? A hospital. I am no different. No, I don’t have cancer. I don’t have diabetes. I don’t even have the flu. I have an illness that I carry with me everywhere I step, whether it be downtown Halifax, Nova Scotia or rural Newfoundland. My point is, I should be able to get the same help wherever I am.

I am in St. Anthony, Newfoundland. The hospital here serves 37,000 people. Statistics show that 1 in 5 Canadians suffer some kind of Mental Illness. 20% of 37,000 is 7,400. That is about three times the population of my hometown- St. Anthony. These are not just numbers I am making up because I am ‘crazy’. These are facts. It’s reality. I am an athlete of many sports. Stats don’t lie.

Why am I making these observations? I am shocked by the Mental Health services that are offered here for a hospital that serves 37,000. I am no expert, but if I am willing to guess, 7,400 people have not passed through the local hospital seeking help for their Mental Illness. It pisses me off actually. I am concerned about the help that is offered here. Back to my second paragraph of this blog. What services would keep me alive? Do I get admitted to a Psych Unit where I am under the constant care of two nurses, many counsellors and three to four psychiatrists? Doubtful. Why aren’t those services offered here? When I was admitted in Nova Scotia, it was in a rural fishing community on the southwest coast of the province. Fishing is the main economy. Hospital that serves 64,000 people. Other than the number of people it serves, it is very similar to my hometown. So, why are the services offered so far apart?

Again, more questions than answers. I am not a politician, but I sense some people in the government are making decisions without being educated about Mental Health. Let’s just sweep it under the rug and maybe it will go away. How many people have to suffer before the proper help is offered? Or how many more people have to die? Even better, how many more people have to suffer in silence because they have nowhere to turn? Those are the people I am concerned about. The people who are fighting a Mental Illness by themselves. It is one of the hardest battles in life. One of the hardest illnesses to fight. They still have a chance at life. At least with cancer and diabetes there is a social acceptance and more answers. With a Mental Illness, there are complicated questions without any resolving answers.

I want to make myself clear; I am not questioning the people that work with the Mental Health services here at the local hospital. I am sure some of those professionals wish there were more services and help. I am a huge advocate for Mental Health. I have learned to voice my concerns and opinions. It has helped many. I hope it continues to help more. I care an awful lot about my hometown and the people that live here. I do not like to see people suffer in silence. How do I know? Trust me, I can tell. I wore the same mask that they wear. I told the same lies. I acted in the same play. I know. And I understand.

So, in closing, I want to extend an olive branch. Anyone that needs help or think they need help, please feel free to ask me. I am not a Health Care Professional. Though, I am someone who suffered and someone that is not only surviving, but thriving at life. I have said this before; I was minutes from pulling my car into the garage, hooking up a hose, revving the engine, and saying goodbye. That was almost seven months ago. I have come a long way. A very long way. I have suffered for years. I almost ended it. My point? You don’t need to be a statistic. You can be an inspiration. You can make a change to save your life. If you need help, talk to me. I will go through the wall for you. You are not alone, as much as it may feel. I am here for you. Individually, we may not survive. But together, we are too strong. We are resilient. We are warriors. We are survivors!

“Memories have huge staying power, but like dreams, they thrive in the dark, surviving for decades in the deep waters of our minds like shipwrecks on the sea bed.”

                                                                                                - J. G. Ballard

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith

Going to Keep Going- June 12, 2016

I get why people may be embarrassed or ashamed to seek help for Mental Health Illnesses. When I first began to document my excursion with my Depression, I wanted to help myself. I needed help from others to get better. There is no shame in that. That’s why we have friends and families. That’s why there are doctors and nurses. All people to help others. What I started to realize once I spoke of my illness publicly, I began to help others. I am a nobody in the grand scheme of things. Just a young man from Newfoundland trying to find his way in life. There are good days and there are bad days. The bad days suck. They are hell. The good days are easy, so to speak, in comparison with the difficult ones.

I am trying to enjoy my good days more. Take my time and slow life down. The bad days though, they don’t seem to end. Time almost stands still, but in a bad way. It can be torturing. Fighting is not easy. It takes a lot to get through the bad days or moments.

But you’re there. All of you that message me or talk to me. You are helping, even if it is in the smallest way. You don’t know how much kind words, or a hug can mean to someone that is struggling with Depression. It gives me hope and strength. It helps them believe that life is worth fighting for. It is a sign that someone cares.

This time last week, I was sleeping. I slept the day away. I didn’t want to wake up at all. Ever again, even. But that day is now behind me. It was tough. Very tough. I must admit, I was somewhat naïve. I thought I could be ‘cured’. That’s not going to happen in the foreseeable future. Maybe further along in life, as I develop as a person and get stronger. I watched the ‘Resurrection of Jake the Snake Roberts’ last night. There was a line he said. “This addiction will be with me for life.” Powerful sentence. Made me realize I am in the same boat, just with my Depression. It will be with me for majority of my life. It is mine to wear. Mine to battle. I am not too proud to say that I will need help along the way. I will need lots of it. But that’s why you let certain people in your life. People that can help. People that care. Greatness does not happen by mistake. You have to strive for it. Fight for it. Earn it. It isn’t handed out to anyone. It takes work.

So why fight when you are down? I won’t lie, it is easier to stay down and quit. Here is some knowledge; only the weak quit. Only they give up, especially when times are tough or faced with adversity. You’re not weak if you ask someone for a hand or help. That takes courage. Don’t be too proud to become strong. You need others to become strong. Leaning on other people for help is not a bad thing.

A letdown leads to an opportunity. Options, actually. Two options. Let the letdown take a negative effect on your life by letting it get to you. Or option number two- the letdown motivates you.

My prescription for one of my medications has run out. Don’t worry. I am sure the doctor would have refilled it if it was necessary. Just another trial for me. Can I be OK without my meds? We are going to find out. It may be the hard way where I end up in the hospital again. So be it. I am not against or too proud or ashamed to go back to the hospital. I am not suggesting I want to. I am saying, this is new territory for me not taking this certain medication. If I cannot cope or handle the Depression, I will admit myself again. I will not let it get to the point where I want to jump off the MacKay Bridge in Halifax. Thought has crossed my mind before, and to be honest, if I was to kill myself, that would be right up there as how I would. And no, that doesn’t make me crazy. That means I suffer from Depression and thoughts like that cross my mind. Don’t be alarmed, I am in control, as of now.

Before seeking help, I didn’t know such a thing was possible. Honestly, and excuse my language, I thought if you had Depression, you were fucked. How many of you thought the same thing? Ignorance is more common than we think. And I am not saying you are an ignorant person. My bet is that you were never educated on Mental Health Illnesses. Leading to untrue conclusions about Mental Health issues.

I am not going to lose. I am too strong. I am going to make a difference in others’ lives. I am going to help people. I am getting a tattoo next month with the words ‘Hope’, ‘Inspiration’, ‘Strength’ inscribe on my skin. Those words will stay with me until death. And wherever I go people will ask, “What does that mean?” I will answer proudly, “It means I have Depression and I refuse to quit.”

I close my eyes. I can see the end game. I am not scared of dying. It’s an inevitable truth. But it is the process we need to learn to enjoy. Life is the process. I said to another coach last week, “Hockey consumed my life, 365 days a year 24/7.” Yes, I love it, but along the journey, I forgot, actually, never learned, to enjoy other aspects of life.

So, my choice? My choice is to live and enjoy life. I have reminders that keep me going. I wake up and open my eyes. That is a battle for me, for anyone who suffers with Depression. Believe it or not, opening my eyes is an accomplishment. First victory of the day. On to the next; get out of bed. I kid you not. Small victories lead to bigger triumphs.

“How do I keep going?”, I ask myself. Believe it or not, it is the easiest question to answer. I keep going because people inspire me to take my next breath. Whether it is my son, my parents, my family, my sister, my friends, or even strangers- I keep going because of all of you, because of the support. It makes me strong. Every message or comment goes a long way in helping this young man continue to battle. People, in my opinion, are the strongest weapon on Earth. It is up to people if they want to use that weapon for good or for bad. Anyone that has reached out to me, you are one of the good ones. Caring about others is something I could not feel before. I feel it now. You have built my heart and help fill the emptiness in my soul. Your kindness has helped save my life. That’s the power people, together, can have. And together, we are going to end the Stigma behind Mental Health. I will see it in my lifetime. Because I believe in people. Deep down in all of us, there is something special. We all have the capacity to care for others. Some of us have yet to find it. Don’t worry, you will. Took me 29 years to find it in me.

Never give up on your dreams. Do not settle for less. Always strive for perfection, because you may never reach perfection, but along the way, you will find excellence. Laugh with the sinners and cry with the saints; who said you can’t do both? Don’t break the rules, but definitely push the boundaries. Success is not given, it is taken and earned. If you need help, don’t be afraid to ask. Be humble and kind. Express love and smile often. Don’t hide the tears, they symbolize your heart and soul. Be who you want to be and not what someone else expects. It is your life and you live it however you want, whether you have a Mental Illness or not. You get one shot at this wonderful thing a lot of people take for granted. I encourage living it to the fullness. You never know where you may find happiness. Don’t live life unhappy. That choice is yours.

“If you wait for the perfect moment when all is safe and assured, it may never arrive. Mountains will not be climbed, races won, or lasting happiness achieved.”

                                                                                    - Maurice Chevalier

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith

Describing Me.

In a nutshell, this is me. One thing I am is, I am aware. This illness makes me believe the following words. 

Alone. Afraid. Aware. Anxiety.

Beaten. Battle.

Confused. Creative.

Death. Disappointment. Drained. Depressed. Defeated.

Exit. ECT.

Failure. Fight. Fading. Frantic.

Gloomy.

Horror. Helpless.

Idiot. Ill.

Joke.

Knife.

Loser. Lost. Letdown.

Medications. Monster.

Needy. Nuisance. Negative.

Outraged. OCD. Obsessive.

Private. Poor. Pathetic. Problematic.

Quiet. Quit.

Reality.

Stupid. Sad. Secretive. Seduced. Scrambled. Struggle. Suicide. Sick.

Troubled. Terrified. Teased. Traumatic.

Useless. Unwelcomed.

Vindicated. Viscous.

Worthless. Wild. Wicked. Worry.

X-Rays

Young.

Zealous.

1% versus 99%- June 5, 2016

Being punctual is not a characteristic of Depression. Unexplained and torturing thoughts make an appearance at inopportune times. That’s my biggest dilemma with battling this Depression. No warning signs. Nothing to give me fair warning that negative thoughts are coming.

I didn’t know where to go with this Blog entry, so I felt my recent ‘bad day’ was a good place to start. This ‘bad day’ happened Sunday, June 5, 2016- that’s right, two days ago. I stayed in bed until 8:30 pm. I didn’t get up at all. The following is what I wrote the night before.

How many suicidal thoughts can one have before they act upon the urges? Some thoughts are controllable. Some aren’t. I mean, how many times a day does a person have to talk themselves out of suicide? I literally drive down the road visualizing my own death by making a sharp juke right with the steering wheel. I have to verbally speak to myself, “T.J., don’t drive your car into that ditch or lake.” Pretty messed up eh? I know. I live it. But I am getting help for it. There is only one certainty with Depression and that’s the uncertainty.

At first, I thought suicide was about getting rid of me because I am a weight on everyone in my life. I know that to be not true. But suicide to me now is pure despise with myself. As I write these words, I hear a voice say, “T.J., you’re a piece of shit not worthy to breathe the air around you.” Maybe I am a waste of space that is taking someone else’s oxygen. I am around friends and family, but to me, I am the loneliest man on Earth.

I do things in the day that ‘distract’ or ‘occupy’ my mind. The problem with Depression is, it is still with me. I try to slow down things. Sometimes I can’t. My mind races. My heart pumps. Questions with no answers. I am not a stupid man. I know what these thoughts are doing to me. I am well aware that they are there. I feel like I have come a long way, but then these moments happen. I have lost the fear in things that I used to fear. Why? Because, I am not afraid of dying anymore. I tend to be obsessed with death at times. Do I write my will now just in case I break and self-destruct? Then again, I have no worthy possessions in my life. I feel sad, worthless, and useless. Why? I wish I knew. I really do. Even if it is an answer I don’t want to hear. I would be happy that one of my difficult questions would be answered.

Not too long ago, well over the past ten years or so, I always had a weird thought, and maybe others have had it too. I always thought of packing a few survival items and just go live in the forest somewhere that no one can ever find me. Free of everything. No connection to anyone or anything. Just me and the wilderness, and my intruding thoughts. This is not just a one-time thought. Like I said, several times in the past ten years. That multiplies quickly.

Another disturbed fantasy I would have consisted of me living in Nowheretown, USA. Just far away and almost like starting a new life. It wouldn’t be a new life- it would be me running away from my problems. I wonder if these thoughts scare people. Should it scare me? They don’t scare me. Not anymore. Not much does scare me anymore. I do not have a fear of dying.

My complexity is this; I don’t fear dying, but yet my thoughts are haunting. I can’t sleep without my medication. Around me, the nights are quiet, but my mind is noisy. I can’t close my eyes- I see too many bad things with them closed. Images of terrible thoughts. My own personal horror film. Ever think about being buried alive? I do. Is that normal? I don’t have one sweet clue what normal is supposed to be. Call me fucked up. I don’t care. It’s my life. My struggle.

Tonight is a struggle. A fight. A battle. I am taking some hard hits tonight. Most of my body and mind wants to stay down tonight. Not get up and keep fighting. Stay down for good. Never to think anymore or move again. It would take away the pain, maybe. Or does Depression exist in the afterlife? Knowing my luck, it probably does. Still eating away at my soul somehow. It’s like a parasite has burrowed into my skull and destroying anything good. 99% of me is really suffering tonight. It is very hard. It is very scary. I keep telling myself that I am not crazy. I am not weak. I am sick, and it sucks.

There is that other 1% that isn’t suffering. It is fighting. Well, at least it seems to be. 99% of me want to pack it in and quit. There is an easy way to fix this problem. An easy answer to this dilemma. There is an easy way out. I have the resources to end my life at hand. I could make a decision right now and end my life within the next five minutes. That is reality. My reality. Who is going to stop me? Not a soul.

Sometimes I wonder why I take the time to write word after word, page after page. Maybe I am just spit-balling a bunch of the same words onto these pages. Making no sense at all. But you cannot make up these thoughts I encounter. This is real. A true, real life saga. The ending maybe a sad one, but I can’t seem to shake that 1% of hope that is keeping my story going. Telling me to hold on.

Nothing bad happened today. Yet, I feel suicidal thoughts. Luckily, I don’t have bad dreams. My nightmares occur in the daytime with my eyes opened. But as bad as today and tonight has been, the 1% is still battling. Not sure if that 1% is coming from my heart, my mind, or my big toe- but it is telling me to be courageous and keep fighting. 99% of me may be losing tonight, but that 1% is stronger and not giving up. And like my negative thoughts, this 1% of fight in me is not going away.

Really, the 1% is not letting me down and saving my life. It may seem like a small number, but it’s not letting me down. It’s quality over quantity. There is more hope, inspiration, and strength in that 1% than there is negativity, despair, and sickness in the other 99%. It’s an ongoing war. The struggle is real. I feel the mental pain and agony. I must withstand.

Goodnight.

June 5, 2016

This is what I did today-slept. I slept the day away. Why? I wish I had an answer. I didn’t want to deal with the world. It’s not like I had a lot to do or anything- I couldn’t deal with anything. I don’t have the slightest clue to as why I didn’t get out of my bed today. It felt like a hangover. Of course it wasn’t since I don’t drink anymore. It is unexplainable to me, so explaining to someone else- yeah, good luck.

I missed phone calls and messages. All from friends and family, but for some internal reasoning that I cannot explain, I didn’t reply to anyone. I have written over 300 pages since January, and I still don’t have an answer to why I have the thoughts and feelings I do.

“Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.”

                                                                                                              - Muhammad Ali

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith