The Women

I love women. The curves. The smell. The looks. The hair. All of it. I love it. Women, you're beautiful. Am I am 'womanizer'? Urban Dictionary says it is 'a guy who makes zillions of women think he is in love with them and that he is the best guy in the world.' I don't consider myself a womanizer.  No one is in love with me. But, I would look for one night stands when I was single. 

Looking to 'pick up'. Always drunk. Never sober. No confidence to speak to anyone sober. I met my previous girlfriends when....when I was drunk? I don't even remember. Shameful. My memory is cloudy. What a disgrace.

So this is what a typical night out would be. Some of you will hate me for this. Consider me disgusting. Think lowly of me. That's fair. But now it makes sense to me. I did a lot of things I am not proud of. I was usually drunk. Not making an excuse. And I am not using Depression as an excuse. I was tormented inside that I would try to do anything that hid the pain. Women would help.

So a typical night. I would get together with friends I was comfortable drinking around. We play drinking games, usually. It may be Thursday or Friday. We didn't drink normal. We would be blitzed before we got to the bar. I didn't like parties. For one, too many people I may know and see me for what I am. Two, I was a rude prick at times, and these were people I would have to face again. Three, well, who am I going to sleep with here if they already know me? No one. Sad thought? I know. But if I am being honest, that was my thought process. My plan.

After the party, we would head out to the bar. I am gassed usually. I can keep it together to get into the bar. I wasn't rich, so I was on a budget. I couldn't buy drinks for girls. Sometimes I did. I never got that concept, though. Why buy them a drink? Just as well to say, "I want to have sex with you." Is one more drink going to make this girl want to have me? I was selfish so I would be thinking, screw her, she ain't getting no drink from me. As soon as I walked into the bar, one of three things came across my mind; 1. I need to pee. 2. I need a drink. or 3. Scanning the bar to look for a potential girl to go home with. Yes, as sad as that is, I did it. Other guys did it or do it. But this is my story. My life. This is me coming to terms with the ugly side of me years ago. Me owning up.

I always said, "I can't talk to girls sober." That's why the bar was the perfect setting. If she thinks I am a jerk, I am drunk, who cares? Secondly, if she has no interest in me, I would move on to someone else to try my luck. They are mostly strangers. People I may never see again. I hated being even half sober at the bar. I didn't have the "liquid courage" to chat up a girl. I never went after the "best looking" or "hottest", so to speak. Too big of a challenge. I was looking for something to happen that night. And quick. Plus, I had no confidence talking to the "hottest" girl. When I was single, I hated it. I would drink more. Looking for some companionship. I was lonely. I was drunk. And I didn't care.

I didn't care about hurting their feelings. I had none. I was numb. Cold. Heartless. Selfish. All that was on my mind, is "Can I get someone to go home with me"? Pick up lines? Yeah, right. I would tell them what they wanted to hear. Disgusting tactic, but it worked sometimes. I would look for someone as lonely as I was. There were no feelings. No connection. Even if I got a phone number, I would never call or text. I didn't have charm. Charm has to be natural. It has to be real. I didn't want to be real because I didn't want a relationship or anything like that. I just wanted to have sex that night.

It was a way to cope. I know how I treated women was wrong. It was. I apologize. I am very sorry. Not a regret, but a learning experience. It was my coping. Someone to be with so I wasn't alone. 

Complete strangers. Leave me that night or in the morning, and the next night I would do it all over again. Weekends were a blur.

I was disgusting. Despicable. I know. Can't go back in time to change that. So, did I learn from it? Yes. Did I ever. I find it hard to talk to girls now. I am nervous. Fearful, even, I may say something wrong. I try not to be drunk when talking to them, as well. I don't pretend I am a good looking guy. I am not. I don't know what I have to offer someone. Depression has kept that inside of me.

So what do I have to offer? I am different than I was. I really am. I feel it all the way to my bones. My mind, heart, body. Everything is better. I am craving to work out and exercise. Turning my body into something I am proud of. I am getting stronger. I feel good about it. The Depression held me down for so many years. I am starting to create a new identity. A new person.

Someone recently asked me if I was a 'sweet-talker'. This next section is for both sexes, male and female. Men, if you are a 'sweet-talker', be aware. When that person asked me, I replied honestly. "Before, I would have said whatever to get whatever I wanted. I would lie. But now, I don't know if I am a sweet-talker. I am me. I say what I feel and think. I don't have predetermined answers or myths in my head. If I say something and you don't like it, I am OK with that. I respect your decision." So men, if you are just looking for 'a piece', lying from the word 'Go' is not smart. Deceiving them or manipulating your words to get what you want is wrong and gutless. You need to be real with women. Express your feelings. Your thoughts. If they can't handle it, or don't want to see you because of it, guess what? You shouldn't have to change your true self to make someone like you. You need to be true to yourself first. Understand you first. Once you do that, you can be truthful and sincere to the opposite sex. Stop with the bullshit. It doesn't work. It turns you into something you're not.  Women, I have no idea what you ladies think. Far from it. But if a guy opens up to you, do not judge him on it. Be aware of the lies and manipulation. Be certain. Don't lead him on for nothing. Be upfront with him. And if he doesn't like the answer, guess what? You don't need to change yourself either. The hell with them. They need to love you for you. Everything you are. Be true to yourself as well. Let it flow naturally. If something feels wrong, identify with those feelings. What you're thinking and feeling. I sense too many people 'tolerate' their partner or 'put up' with them. Just getting by in life. Unhappy. Don't be unhappy. Don't be with someone who makes you feel that way. Don't be with someone you have to put on an act for. You got to be true to yourself. First and foremost. 

"TJ, what gives you the right to say that?" Someone may say that to me. That's my opinion. It is based on how bad of a guy I was to women and what I learned. How Depression made me act or behave around women. I am not a love expert. I am searching for my true self. I have areas of strengths and weaknesses. I am accepting myself for what I am. This is what I have discovered so far; I like exercising now and makes me feel good and confident about my body. I am more in-touch with my feelings. I express them more. I perceive life differently now. I am charming as I am. I don't need to be fake with that. I do have a sense of humour and I am intelligent. I like sipping on a glass of wine while next to a fire or in a bath. I am starting to try new things. I like to listen to music more now. I hear the words. The lyrics. I love sports and being active. I love going to the movies. I love eating. I have beautiful eyes and big lips. I am probably 5 pounds heavier than I want to be, but I am OK with it. I am a better listener in conversations. I respect people more. I am emotional. I am truthful. I am not the richest man or the best dress. I am not a big fan of rap music. I do love to travel and see new places. I do not care what people think of me anymore. I am getting my confidence back. I do not live in fear as much. That's what makes me special. That's my TJ-ness.

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith