Learning to Accept

"Our uniqueness, our individuality, and our life experience molds us into fascinating beings. I hope we can embrace that. I pray we may all challenge ourselves to delve into the deepest resources of our hearts to cultivate an atmosphere of understanding, acceptance, tolerance, and compassion. We are all in this life together" 

                                                                                                                              - Linda Thompson

I have indicated that my confidence has been coming back lately. Anyone that knows me or has known me, know I can be very confident. Some would even say cocky. I am not cocky. I may have come across that way before. I try to be humble. But I am not with regards to some things. Well, what am I confident about? I know. Playing hockey. I am quite confident about that. I play recreational now. But I know every time I step out there, I will be fine. I can play. I have played in five different leagues in Nova Scotia over the last eight years. I have been in the finals of those leagues every time. I know how to win. Somewhere over the last few years, I lost that confidence. I began accepting losing. Never again will I make that mistake.

Why am I starting with that paragraph about confidence? Well people, have opinions. That's OK. We had a quote on a team I played hockey for. "Excuses are like assholes. Everyone has one." Well, that same is true for opinions. Everyone has them. People who suffer from any sort of Mental Illness may feel that is important. It's not. I used to think that way. "I need to impress this guy or that girl in order to be accepted." Accepted to what? Really, what I am being accepted to? For example, I have come into contact with people from all walks of life. From millionaires to people that are just getting by. I would feel different or 'act' a certain way, depending who I was around. That's wrong. That is not being true to the most important person, myself.

Why would I act a certain way around rich people? No idea. Had to appear I was on their level. Their level of what? Status in society? Or 'act' like I have money like them? It was weird. I wanted to feel I was their equal. Their peer. But what makes me rich? I know. My charm and sense of humour. When I was around people less fortunate than me, I would stereotype in my head and 'act' how they would want me to feel accepted. Two observations. One. The word 'act' means to perform. How many of us put on an 'act' to please the people we are around? This is life. This is not a movie. We need to stop the 'acting'. Don't worry about what people think. I am a loud eater. Guess what? I don't know how to be a quiet eater. I am not changing that. If someone don't want to be around me because of that, I don't care. The people that mean the most in the world are the people that accept you for everything you are. I know I have charm and a sense of humour. Guess what I do with that? I can make millionaires smile. I can make poor people smile. Charm and my humour is what makes me rich. It's my truest form. It's no act. I am learning to treat everyone the same. The best CEO's in the world treat the janitors with the same amount of respect as the Vice-President.

A lot of us get caught up trying to be 'seen' with certain people or not be 'seen' around others. That's sad. Pathetic. What are we teaching our youth? Our kids? Do I teach Nash to treat people differently because they are rich or poor? No. Money does not determine who you are as a person. So what some people have advantages over others financially? Who cares? They probably worked hard for their money. We need to stop judging people without knowing people. Get to know people before you make a generalization or say something.

Where are you going with this TJ? Well, I know a lot of people reading this still don't know how to talk to people with Mental Illness? Well, here is my answer. How do you talk to someone with diabetes? Or cancer? Or asthma? Is there guidelines? No, there isn't. Just because someone is suffering from a Mental Illness, do not approach them differently or 'act' a certain way. We will see through it. Don't be fake. And you don't need to avoid people with Mental Illness because you don't want to say something bad to me. Listen, I had a voice in my head that told me to pull my car into the garage, hook up a hose, and fire up the engine. I highly doubt anything you say to me is going to offend me or hurt me or 'set' me off. Set you off TJ?

Yes, set me off. Again, uneducated people of Mental Illness think if you say something wrong to me, you may 'set me off'. Set me off to do what? I am not crazy. I am not insane. I am not a nut-job. I have an illness. Remember that. I am person. Two legs. Two arms. Bones and blood. Heart, lungs, and kidneys. You know, all the same as you. So something in my head makes me have uncontrollable thoughts. I have medication for that. So, what are you setting me off about? Nothing. There is nothing to worry about. Some people don't understand Mental Illness. That's why you're scared. Don't be scare. Learn about it. I had a young lady message me. Told me that no one around her understands or are scared to talk about it. That's too bad. All that young lady wants is some support and someone to talk to. She is a strong young lady. A beautiful person. She's my inspiration.

Unless you have suffered from a Mental Illness, you have no idea how it feels. What does that mean TJ? Simple. Have you cried yourself to sleep before over something you can't remember? Have you been so sad before that you feel the pain through your body, but there is nothing to be sad about? Have you put on a fake smile so people think you're OK? Have you quickly turn the shopping cart the other way at the grocery store so you avoid people? Have you wondered why you didn't turn into the 18-wheeler transport truck that was coming towards you? Have you wondered what a bullet tastes like? Have you ever felt like wandering in the forest to see how long you can survive and eventually die? Have you ever wonder how much blood you can lose from your wrist before you die? Have you ever written a suicide note then throw it away? Yeah, you don't understand. You can't unless you been there. Those are dark questions. Do I enjoy them? No. They are the monsters and demons within. Scary stuff. My dad told me to stop thinking about that and start having positive thoughts. I raised my voice, "DAD, I can't control them, yet. Don't you think I tried that already?" He was trying to be supportive and he is. He is also learning a lot about this illness. He is becoming educated. He doesn't quite understand why I have those thoughts. It's hard to bring someone to the depths of the shadows in my head. But he is educating himself and taking the time to understand me as well.

Depression affects everyone around the person. It's fact. The people that unconditionally care about you will stand by you. Will fight with you. Will support you. Will go to war with you. They will be with you through the bad and worst. Those are the people you want in your life. They accept you for you. The people that 'bail' show their true colours and allegiance. You do not need them in your life. They want the easy way out and believe the grass is greener on the other side. That's fine. Their life, their choice. Don't hold grudges. Do not hate. Respect their decision. Someday, they will apologize.

Why do some people pull the 'proverbial chute'? Fear and belief that they can't take on 'your problems' too. They fear what they can't understand. My three year old understands better than some adults. Why? He listened. This is the conversation. "Nash, daddy is sick. He needs to take medication." "OK daddy, you take your medications to make you better." "Thank you buddy." Simple. And with regards to taking on the 'problems'? That is not what I am interested in. They are mine. I just want someone to listen. That's why I journal. I write. The pages don't run from me. They are there for me. A listening ear.

We need to start talking more about Mental Illness. Plain and simple. How else can we learn? Do not be afraid of the word 'suicide'. Point blankly, I looked my dad and mom straight in their tearful eyes and said, "I thought about hanging myself." Not what they wanted to hear. But they helped me get the proper help. I haven't had a negative thought like that in awhile. And, oh yeah, I am not crazy because I had that thought. Suicide is scary because why? We fear the unknown. Don't be afraid to cry. Feelings need to be expressed.

My Mental Health nurse mentioned Peer-Support to me. I am 100% for it. You know what though? There aren't many Peer-Support groups out there for it. I am changing that. My future goals? I want to go to High Schools and Junior Highs and sports teams and tell my story. Real and raw. The truth. Nothing less. I want to educate people. Young and old. I have nothing to hide. I am straight. I am honest. I don't mine crying in public, showing I care. I can do that. I need to help people. The people I want to educate the most are the people that are surrounded by people suffering from Mental Illness. Why? Well, they are the first people we turn to. Mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, brothers, sisters, boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives. They are the support surrounding you. They need to know. They may never understand, but they need to know how they can help.

I was all over the map with this entry. The main point I was trying to make is this; be true to yourself and accept yourself first and foremost. Accept your illness. Make it yours. Once you accept that and understand it. Then others will accept it and try to understand. Acceptance is the first step. Once I accepted that I have Depression, it became real, but more importantly, I could let my feelings out. Don't put on an 'act' for anyone. Don't be fake. Then you will have to live up to that. No need. Screw that. Be yourself. If people don't love you for that, let them go. You don't need them. Love yourself. There is nothing wrong with that. You're not a bad person. There is nothing wrong with you. You're not crazy, insane, or nuts. You have an illness. The only reason it seems to be taboo, is because people fear it. Know thy enemy. Understand thy enemy. Defeat thy enemy.

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith