A year since my public announcement has come and gone.
I lived it. I learned from it. I am better for it.
It sure as hell was not a boring year for me and anyone associated with me.
And I used the words "I" and "me" about seven times total so far. It is not about me. Eight.
Something greater than me decided it wasn't my time to die. Decided there was a reason for me to stay on this planet. I know what that is now.
It cannot be said in so many words, but I am going to try.
I have been thinking about this for a few days now.
A friend I met through my journey recently said to me, "There is still a stigma out there for mental health when it comes to gaining, having, or losing a job."
Someone else suggested to me that it may be smart to not be so open about my illness on social media or in my blog. Try not to write the things I do.
Meeting a woman could be difficult. Hide the fact that I have Depression. Then get into a couple dates, or something more serious and say, "By the way, I suffer from major depression."
Basically, I am not going to do it how it has been historically done, I want to change people's lives. I cannot do that by doing what has already been done. I am going above and beyond. There will be obstacles for me.
I am different. I know I am different. And I also know I am not different because I have a Mental Illness. I am different because I choose to speak about it openly. I give the silence a voice. A voice that needs to be heard.
If I do not speak, who will?
If I do not write, who will?
Would someone hide the fact that they have cancer from an employer? Would they hide the fact that they have diabetes from an employer?
I am not going to back down. I never will.
This topic is of interest to me because I have no job and I am trying to get one as we speak. Right or wrong, I put it clearly in my cover letter that I have a mental illness. I do that so when the HR Department does a quick search of my Facebook or Twitter, there are no surprises. I am coming through the front door.
Perhaps I am being stupid or stubborn. Truly, I do not care of the judging. In my eyes, I am being strong and holding my ground firm. I am not hiding. I will never do that again. I am trying to be a launching pad for others. Not a doormat.
The moment I hide my illness and 'pretend' to be something I am not to gain employment is the moment I play right into the stigma that is attached to Mental Health.
Sadly, I see it first hand. I walked into a hospital a few weeks back. As I spoke to the triage nurse, I told her I am having suicidal thoughts and idealizations. She asked how severe were these thoughts?
She was just following protocol, I guess. Does it fucking matter how 'severe' my thoughts of suicide are?
"You know, I am thinking about tying weights to my ankles and jumping in a lake. I am not sure if I am going to do it tonight, but I am considering the idea a lot tonight."
Sorry dear, and it's not your fault, it's the system, but any suicidal thought for someone with Depression is a severe thought. In my mind, it is possible.
So, I told the nurse I do not feel safe by myself. I went back to the waiting room.
Within thirty minutes, someone came and summoned my name. I was shocked that I was called so soon. I am thinking this is great.
Wrong T.J.
So, I was placed in a room. I looked at what was available in that room. There were items there that I could have used to kill myself.
I saw a doctor that I assume was on call. I don't know. He asked a few question then leaves. I am still waiting.
And waiting.
I waited eight hours to see a mental health crisis team lead and a psychiatrist. That's too long. That happened in one of the newest hospitals in Nova Scotia. That was the doctor that said it may be Borderline Personality Disorder.
It took the doctor years of education and many dollars to take ten minutes to know me? Sorry, I am not a doctor, but you did not help. I don't care if that doctor reads this. Not my problem that the doctor was wrong. But it might be someone else's, unfortunately.
The mental health team crisis worker cared more about my well-being than the doctor.
All I wanted was to be admitted because I didn't feel safe. If there is no space, well that should be a sign that more needs to be done.
If the mental health sector of the health care in Nova Scotia is overwhelmed, try to find a solution rather than adding to the problem.
Obviously, I am OK. That visit done nothing to help me. Just opened my eyes.
That was my first hand experience recently.
Back to the employment search.
Who will dare hire a guy with major clinical depression?
'He's was in the looney bin. He has an addiction. Too much risk with him.'
How do you know?
You immediately see the illness. Not the person. You don't know me.
Hope the employees are treated better than me. Then again, you may not know they have an illness because you do not create a working environment where they can speak freely of their illness in fear they may lose their job.
I learned today that 1 in 5 Canadians suffer some kind of mental illness. I knew that. What I did not know was that stat only reflects the people that speak about their illness. Not the people that still hide it. So my question is, how many more people keep their illness quiet? The stat would change. I guarantee it. I respect that people do not want to share their illness to others. I understand why. I am just trying to change the societal stereotype people still have so more people can seek the proper help.
I am rambling on. Sorry. My point is that I am never going to hide the fact that I suffer from a mental illness. I am going to help end this stigma. This is my way of doing that. To talk about. But talk is cheap and now it's game time. Someone needs to step up to the plate.
I am trying to add to #BellLetsTalk. I don't know if I can trademark or patent the awareness idea, but it's now time to #TakeAction. Money has been raised. Time for someone or someones to put it to good use. I am a Canadian. I am using my freewill of speech to convey a message. I still know people that suffer silently because of the following reasons;
- Family do not understand/Will disown you
- Fear of losing employment/Not getting employment
- Fear of losing friends
- Fear of losing partner
- Fear of public rejection/Perception in community
- Not sure if they have an illness
- Were never educated on the topic
- Do not have the resources available for help
That's just what I know and have been told.
A lot of people took part in #BellLetsTalk day. Still, there are people that don't want to talk and the reason why is because of the external factors in their life.
There are a lot of hypocrites out there.
You are not going to scare me. You did for years. That time is over. And I am going to give strength to others to share their stories too and get the required help that is needed for them to continue to live their life.
I, along with others, are going to overcome the bureaucratic bullshit and nonsense. You will not stop me and others like me.
This is not a blog entry directed at anyone or any one organization. It's just me telling others how it really is in Nova Scotia and Newfoundland.
"Well, how do you know T.J.?", you may ask.
I will reply like this;
"People tell me their stories. They trust me more than health care professionals because I understand their struggles. They instill trust in me. Young and old talk to me. I been in the trenches. I know what they are talking about when they say they just want to die. I have compassion for them because I care about them. I may only know them for minutes, but where they trust me, I, in turn, give them my compassion and any help I can provide. I am going to help them."
I was dealt a shitty hand once upon a time. I had to play the cards I was dealt. I bluffed everyone for years. Now, I still have shitty cards, but instead of bluffing and losing, I now know when to fold and to play another hand. Yeah, I may not win every hand, but I am not losing them either. Moral of the story? I am still in the game, and doing pretty good with whatever cards are dealt to me daily.
Right or wrong......wait a minute.
It's right. It's right for me.
I do have a mental illness and I am not hiding it from anyone. I never will again. If you judge me on the illness I have, shame on you and you're a shallow person and truthfully, do not want you in my life. I do not fear rejection. I do not care about judgement. I will not be intimidated. I certainly will not go down without a fight.
Each day I am growing stronger. I have put things in perspective a little better than before. I am understanding life. Priorities change.
The mind of a child is a wonderful thing. My son looks at me and what does he see? He sees his daddy. That's all he sees. He loves me for being there for him. He does not see an illness because he is not infected with the negative tags that come with having a mental illness from others. Who said having a mental illness was a bad thing? Someone or a group of people decided it was a taboo topic.
Ironic really.
Everyone knows at least one person that suffers from a mental illness.
The irony? The person may not know they have a friend that suffers.
Maybe you should.
"You must do the things you think you cannot do"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
Monday 30 January 2017
Tuesday 24 January 2017
Forgive, Gratitude, and Help
Personally, it is my newfound knowledge and belief that I have a second chance at life. I do not believe it was given to me. Rather, I worked hard to get the opportunity. I went through years of silent pain. Cries that went unheard. Tears that filled my eyes. A monster inside trying to release misery. Years and years of internal torture. So, no, I wasn't given a second chance. I feel I earned a second chance at life.
I finally had the courage to get help and speak freely about my struggles. Have you ever suppressed figurative demons for over ten years? Develop and sustain terrible and regrettable behaviours? Fall into a mess of addictions and debt? Form awful habits that altered your life?
I am not bragging, but I been through a whole whack of things, therefore, I earned my second chance at life. Most of, if not, all of my problems were self-induced. But the stem of my issues began with with my mental illness that I hid. That is no lie.
Henceforth, I want to lead and live a better life. It has been a year since I asked for help to save my life and to change my life. It has been, and is a difficult and long journey. How am I still alive? Well, I refuse to quit. Now I get my second chance.
First of all, I am forever grateful that I get a second chance to live my life. Not just the physical meaning of being alive, but to actually live it. Some people are not so lucky. I will not waste my opportunity.
Three words helped save me; Hope. Inspiration. Strength.
I have found three more words that will allow me to live my life.
Forgive. Gratitude. Help.
I am unsure what word is the most imperative today or what word holds more weight. I only know they have given me a new way to look at life. And 'life' is the keyword.
Why?
Simple.
Forgiveness, gratitude, and help can and will never be taken from me. Eventually, my life will be. But only when the time is right. And right now, I am not really to go. Not even close.
Dictionary.com describes the word 'forgive' as 'to cease to feel resentment against'.
Why does it matter?
It matters because I believe it is a word used loosely by people. I think it is important to know the meaning of a word. Especially a word that I plan on using often and with a purpose.
Late April, right up to mid August or so, I was filled with bitterness, disappointment, and resentment. I lost my dream job in late April. It impacted all aspects of my life.
I was seeing a girl who I was developing serious feelings for. I may have fell in love. I just began my path to being sober. I was getting counselling and treatments with medical personnel. I had accepted the fact that my son was in another town three hours away and his mother and I were going to make it work. I wasn't gambling very much. Things seemed to be on the right road, for the first time in a long time. Maybe ever.
It, in my mind, all came to a sudden halt, thus, I went off the road again.
But what's the point of holding a grudge? In hindsight, a decision was made for the better of the organization. I understand that. I am an university educated man. I am fully capable of understanding.
I learned something from that life experience. Life is truly too short to hold grudges or be mad with someone or something.
I am not a religious man, but somewhere in the Bible, forgiveness is mention. I believe Jesus forgives the disciple that betrayed him. The disciple that lead Jesus to his death. That is not an exact quote.
There are even stories when a victim's family of a murder forgives the murderer.
Why hold on to the negativity that comes with anger or madness or jealousy? What positive effect does that have on your life?
For most, well, all of my life until the last year, I had no need or no understanding of the word forgive. The antipathy I had towards others didn't fill a hole inside of me. It added to the darkness that was already within that I was living with. So, one day I asked myself a question. Well, two.
"Why be bitter or resentful with someone? Is it worth it in the end?"
It is unneeded in my life. Truthfully, it is unneeded in everyone's life. How can one find happiness if they hang on to some hostility or hatred? You can't. You might not agree with someone or have a difference of opinion, but instead of arguing or fighting, you can respect each other's opinion/point of view and leave it at that. It is like politics. Not to get too deep in the government, but instead of opposing each other or trying to find destructive facts about the opposition, why can't we work together as one whole entity to find a solution? Maybe I am foolish.
As an alternative, people should stop looking for the bad in others and start looking for the good. Look for the good in others, but also in yourself. The latter is the hardest for me.
I am not suggesting to forget. If you forget, you may make the same mistake again. Only fools do that. Forget? Maybe not. Forgive? Absolutely. I don't expect me to say, "I forgive you. No one has done me wrong, in my opinion" But I do seek it from forgiveness from a lot of people.
None of it is possible unless you can understand and begin to use forgiveness in your life. It may not make you the perfect person, but it will make you a better person. It is the strength of a being that can find the courage to forgive their enemy. I do not have any enemies.
Dictionary.com says 'gratitude' is the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful.'
How many times do I say 'thank you' per day?
More than ever before.
I do not take anything for granted. I feel the need to express my gratitude, even if it is for the littlest things. I might try that tomorrow. That is, count how many times I say the words or express my thankfulness.
A huge part of my recovery has been to realize how many things, people, etc. I have in my life to be grateful for. That list has a beginning, but I do not have an ending yet. I do not think I ever will. To combat depression, there has to be a lot of changes in my life. It is not an overnight fix. A few prescribed pills don't change it all for me. My ECT treatments don't cure me completely. Serious changes in my life is what I credit most of my recovery to. I had loads of help and support along the way, but at the end of the day, T.J. Smith decided to make a commitment to getting better.
He's the guy that refused to turn the key and start the ignition to kill himself just over a year ago. He's the guy the decided to go to the hospital, risking his livelihood and everything else in his life. He's the guy that chose to speak-out about his illness to raise awareness and to let others know, yeah, I have a problem, but I am going to fight it. He's the guy that realizes he needs to change his morals and values.
I was never grateful for anything. I remember my mother saying that to me as a kid. I didn't understand nor care when she said that. This is how fucking lost I was; I was the Valedictorian of my high school class and in the last year, I had to look up the meaning to the word 'gratitude', along with many other words. That's saddening.
Thankfully, I earned a second chance. It may have taken me 30 years to understand the definition of the word, but better late than never. Or better late than being dead. Learning to be grateful has been life-changing but more importantly, life-improving. That's all I can ask for, to better myself each day in a positive way. Learning to be grateful and to express my gratitude has made me a better person.
"Help" is not a word I think I need to look up.
First off, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of courage and faith. You think I enjoyed calling my parents at 3:00 a.m. three weeks ago crying as I drove the Trans-Canada highway telling them between gasp for air that I have an addiction and I cannot stop? That I don't know what to do? That I have let them down? That I am a terrible father and I am better off dead?
That's not easy to do.
I hit my breaking point, much like last year when I admitted myself to a Psychiatric Unit. Asking for help, at the time, seemed like the most challenging thing in life. Sometimes it is hard to do, but it should never be that way.
Perception of the word makes us look vulnerable. Society, whatever that is, makes us believe we should do everything on our own. That's false advertising. Society doesn't know what is best for me. That's up to me.
I say this with no shame and do not care about judgement, but I need help. Without help, my friends and family would be remembering the date of my death this winter. Instead, I demonstrated that asking for help to save my life is a true testament of my inner strength. As individuals, we somehow feel compel to tackle our problems by ourselves. Maybe it is just me, but somewhere along the line, I forgot to ask for help on a consistent basis.
In my battle and continuous recovery, I have understand how important it is for me to help others. It's like a chain letter. Someone helps me. I, in turn help someone else. They may help someone else. That's what it is like to be a good person. Truly, I have no idea how many people I have helped by advocating for mental health.
It is almost a year to the day that I publicly spoke about having an illness. I am grateful that I did it. Not only was it necessary for me to do it for my health, but the impact it has had on others is astounding. I have a gift. It's the gift to help others and help them see the light in themselves. I do it naturally now. I was at a workout class yesterday, and I caught myself trying to encourage my friend as we were working out in the class together. I hope my gift is contagious.
I never used to put people before me, ever. I was a selfish. I was consumed with the what was wrong with me and silently fighting it. It was a defense mechanism. A terrible coping strategy.
That has all changed in the last year. I am learning new ways to live a better, happier life. My advice is meant to inspire others to keep battling. Whatever you may be going through, I am telling you, you're not a alone. Life is a gift. Don't waste it on fighting something that is conquerable by yourself.
Life is great. There will be awful moments. It will test your strength. You must never lose hope. Being a fighter is inspiring.
Love.
No need to hold the hate in. Forgiveness releases that negative feeling. Be grateful for everything in your life, no matter how small or big. Also, express your gratitude to others, it will better theirs and your lives. Lastly, never ever be ashamed to ask for help. Someone will always be there to lend a hand. reach out and take it. It will change and improve your life. Trust me.
I guess I know what the next three words are going to be tattooed onto my body.
"It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody."
-Maya Angelou
"Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings."
-William Arthur Ward
"Heroes represent the best of ourselves, respecting that we are human beings. A hero can be anyone from Gandhi to your classroom teacher, anyone who can show courage when faced with a problem. A hero is someone who is willing to help others in his or her best capacity."
- Ricky Martin
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
I finally had the courage to get help and speak freely about my struggles. Have you ever suppressed figurative demons for over ten years? Develop and sustain terrible and regrettable behaviours? Fall into a mess of addictions and debt? Form awful habits that altered your life?
I am not bragging, but I been through a whole whack of things, therefore, I earned my second chance at life. Most of, if not, all of my problems were self-induced. But the stem of my issues began with with my mental illness that I hid. That is no lie.
Henceforth, I want to lead and live a better life. It has been a year since I asked for help to save my life and to change my life. It has been, and is a difficult and long journey. How am I still alive? Well, I refuse to quit. Now I get my second chance.
First of all, I am forever grateful that I get a second chance to live my life. Not just the physical meaning of being alive, but to actually live it. Some people are not so lucky. I will not waste my opportunity.
Three words helped save me; Hope. Inspiration. Strength.
I have found three more words that will allow me to live my life.
Forgive. Gratitude. Help.
I am unsure what word is the most imperative today or what word holds more weight. I only know they have given me a new way to look at life. And 'life' is the keyword.
Why?
Simple.
Forgiveness, gratitude, and help can and will never be taken from me. Eventually, my life will be. But only when the time is right. And right now, I am not really to go. Not even close.
Dictionary.com describes the word 'forgive' as 'to cease to feel resentment against'.
Why does it matter?
It matters because I believe it is a word used loosely by people. I think it is important to know the meaning of a word. Especially a word that I plan on using often and with a purpose.
Late April, right up to mid August or so, I was filled with bitterness, disappointment, and resentment. I lost my dream job in late April. It impacted all aspects of my life.
I was seeing a girl who I was developing serious feelings for. I may have fell in love. I just began my path to being sober. I was getting counselling and treatments with medical personnel. I had accepted the fact that my son was in another town three hours away and his mother and I were going to make it work. I wasn't gambling very much. Things seemed to be on the right road, for the first time in a long time. Maybe ever.
It, in my mind, all came to a sudden halt, thus, I went off the road again.
Losing my job made me sour. I guess that is a natural feeling. The timing of it probably done the most damage.
But what's the point of holding a grudge? In hindsight, a decision was made for the better of the organization. I understand that. I am an university educated man. I am fully capable of understanding.
I learned something from that life experience. Life is truly too short to hold grudges or be mad with someone or something.
I am not a religious man, but somewhere in the Bible, forgiveness is mention. I believe Jesus forgives the disciple that betrayed him. The disciple that lead Jesus to his death. That is not an exact quote.
There are even stories when a victim's family of a murder forgives the murderer.
Why hold on to the negativity that comes with anger or madness or jealousy? What positive effect does that have on your life?
For most, well, all of my life until the last year, I had no need or no understanding of the word forgive. The antipathy I had towards others didn't fill a hole inside of me. It added to the darkness that was already within that I was living with. So, one day I asked myself a question. Well, two.
"Why be bitter or resentful with someone? Is it worth it in the end?"
It is unneeded in my life. Truthfully, it is unneeded in everyone's life. How can one find happiness if they hang on to some hostility or hatred? You can't. You might not agree with someone or have a difference of opinion, but instead of arguing or fighting, you can respect each other's opinion/point of view and leave it at that. It is like politics. Not to get too deep in the government, but instead of opposing each other or trying to find destructive facts about the opposition, why can't we work together as one whole entity to find a solution? Maybe I am foolish.
As an alternative, people should stop looking for the bad in others and start looking for the good. Look for the good in others, but also in yourself. The latter is the hardest for me.
I am not suggesting to forget. If you forget, you may make the same mistake again. Only fools do that. Forget? Maybe not. Forgive? Absolutely. I don't expect me to say, "I forgive you. No one has done me wrong, in my opinion" But I do seek it from forgiveness from a lot of people.
None of it is possible unless you can understand and begin to use forgiveness in your life. It may not make you the perfect person, but it will make you a better person. It is the strength of a being that can find the courage to forgive their enemy. I do not have any enemies.
Dictionary.com says 'gratitude' is the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful.'
How many times do I say 'thank you' per day?
More than ever before.
I do not take anything for granted. I feel the need to express my gratitude, even if it is for the littlest things. I might try that tomorrow. That is, count how many times I say the words or express my thankfulness.
A huge part of my recovery has been to realize how many things, people, etc. I have in my life to be grateful for. That list has a beginning, but I do not have an ending yet. I do not think I ever will. To combat depression, there has to be a lot of changes in my life. It is not an overnight fix. A few prescribed pills don't change it all for me. My ECT treatments don't cure me completely. Serious changes in my life is what I credit most of my recovery to. I had loads of help and support along the way, but at the end of the day, T.J. Smith decided to make a commitment to getting better.
He's the guy that refused to turn the key and start the ignition to kill himself just over a year ago. He's the guy the decided to go to the hospital, risking his livelihood and everything else in his life. He's the guy that chose to speak-out about his illness to raise awareness and to let others know, yeah, I have a problem, but I am going to fight it. He's the guy that realizes he needs to change his morals and values.
I was never grateful for anything. I remember my mother saying that to me as a kid. I didn't understand nor care when she said that. This is how fucking lost I was; I was the Valedictorian of my high school class and in the last year, I had to look up the meaning to the word 'gratitude', along with many other words. That's saddening.
Thankfully, I earned a second chance. It may have taken me 30 years to understand the definition of the word, but better late than never. Or better late than being dead. Learning to be grateful has been life-changing but more importantly, life-improving. That's all I can ask for, to better myself each day in a positive way. Learning to be grateful and to express my gratitude has made me a better person.
"Help" is not a word I think I need to look up.
First off, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of courage and faith. You think I enjoyed calling my parents at 3:00 a.m. three weeks ago crying as I drove the Trans-Canada highway telling them between gasp for air that I have an addiction and I cannot stop? That I don't know what to do? That I have let them down? That I am a terrible father and I am better off dead?
That's not easy to do.
I hit my breaking point, much like last year when I admitted myself to a Psychiatric Unit. Asking for help, at the time, seemed like the most challenging thing in life. Sometimes it is hard to do, but it should never be that way.
Perception of the word makes us look vulnerable. Society, whatever that is, makes us believe we should do everything on our own. That's false advertising. Society doesn't know what is best for me. That's up to me.
I say this with no shame and do not care about judgement, but I need help. Without help, my friends and family would be remembering the date of my death this winter. Instead, I demonstrated that asking for help to save my life is a true testament of my inner strength. As individuals, we somehow feel compel to tackle our problems by ourselves. Maybe it is just me, but somewhere along the line, I forgot to ask for help on a consistent basis.
In my battle and continuous recovery, I have understand how important it is for me to help others. It's like a chain letter. Someone helps me. I, in turn help someone else. They may help someone else. That's what it is like to be a good person. Truly, I have no idea how many people I have helped by advocating for mental health.
It is almost a year to the day that I publicly spoke about having an illness. I am grateful that I did it. Not only was it necessary for me to do it for my health, but the impact it has had on others is astounding. I have a gift. It's the gift to help others and help them see the light in themselves. I do it naturally now. I was at a workout class yesterday, and I caught myself trying to encourage my friend as we were working out in the class together. I hope my gift is contagious.
I never used to put people before me, ever. I was a selfish. I was consumed with the what was wrong with me and silently fighting it. It was a defense mechanism. A terrible coping strategy.
That has all changed in the last year. I am learning new ways to live a better, happier life. My advice is meant to inspire others to keep battling. Whatever you may be going through, I am telling you, you're not a alone. Life is a gift. Don't waste it on fighting something that is conquerable by yourself.
Life is great. There will be awful moments. It will test your strength. You must never lose hope. Being a fighter is inspiring.
Love.
No need to hold the hate in. Forgiveness releases that negative feeling. Be grateful for everything in your life, no matter how small or big. Also, express your gratitude to others, it will better theirs and your lives. Lastly, never ever be ashamed to ask for help. Someone will always be there to lend a hand. reach out and take it. It will change and improve your life. Trust me.
I guess I know what the next three words are going to be tattooed onto my body.
"It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody."
-Maya Angelou
"Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings."
-William Arthur Ward
"Heroes represent the best of ourselves, respecting that we are human beings. A hero can be anyone from Gandhi to your classroom teacher, anyone who can show courage when faced with a problem. A hero is someone who is willing to help others in his or her best capacity."
- Ricky Martin
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
Tuesday 10 January 2017
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)- January 10, 2017
The Devil looked me in the eye the other day and I looked right back at him.
He flinched. I didn't.
"I am not afraid of you anymore," I said.
I told him I have seen everything he has to offer. Once upon a time, I was interested in what he had to say. Tempting as the Devil may be to get me to kill myself, I resisted. But, I didn't on my own.
I speak openly about suicide. Somedays I feel I have it beaten. Other days, I cannot get the self-murdering thoughts under control. It is a battle. Don't let it fool you. It has me fooled.
This is a topic we need to talk about more. Hard for anyone to know if you have suicidal thoughts if you do not speak of them. We (Canadians from all over), need to create an environment where it is OK to speak freely about suicide and not be judge. Not just to doctors, nurses, or counsellors, but to everyone.
"Hey mom, I have suicidal thoughts," should be a phrase someone can say and not be judged as a crazy person.
Just because you have suicidal thoughts doesn't mean your crazy. Take it from me.
Tell your friend.
"Hey bestie, I think about suicide a lot. What can I do?"
They may not have the answer because they never been hit with such an honest and true question that has major consequences.
They may not know where to get help because, much like the general population, they do not know the answer. That is why we need to talk more about suicide and take it serious.
I have chronic suicidal ideas. Will I ever act upon one of them? I hope not. That is why I speak about it. It is hard to speak of things that scare us the most. It is also hard to speak of things we do not understand. If you never had suicidal visions, you cannot begin to comprehend or believe what I think of when it comes to the topic.
You may have walked by me, or talked to me on the same day where I thought about hanging myself over an overpass on the highway. Does that make me crazy? Who are you to judge?
I have seen a quote. Treat everyone with kindness, because you have no idea what they are going through.
I am trying this daily.
So, what does this have to do with the title of this Blog?
I have slept for 24 hours. Prior to that, I was awake for 40 hours. This is what happened, well what I did.
I left a friends house in Halifax after supper late Sunday night. As I drove back to East Hants, I fought with the urge to gamble. I tried calling a help line. It didn't work. I didn't call my parents. I didn't call anyone. Consequently, I gave in to the urge.
But prior to the urge to gamble, I had the feeling of worthlessness and didn't like it. Thoughts of suicide crossed my mind. I knew I was in for a long night, regardless of what I would do. I had planned of going to the hospital, but before that, I had to try to make myself feel good. That is when I went to gamble.
As stated before, I have an addiction. It is bad. I would go to the ABM, say to myself out loud, "T.J., you know this is not right."
A different voice inside of me would say, "Who cares? Better than suicide thoughts."
What a way to cope. I know I am doing something wrong, but I cannot stop. I didn't look up the definition of 'addiction', but I am assuming that is very close to what I would find.
So, after 6-7 hours of straight gambling, I ran out of money. The next step was the hospital. Again, I already planned on going. I was already convinced by being by myself, I wasn't safe. I was right.
At 6:00 a.m., I admitted myself to outpatients in Truro. I was hoping to be admitted to the Psych Unit.
After an 8 hour wait to see someone that wanted to talk to me regarding my mental illness, I was hoping to be put under the watchful eye of professionals. I wasn't.
At first, this bothered me. But after talking to someone from the Mental Health Crisis team and another Psychiatrist, I learned something new about myself. I didn't think it was possible to add to my problems.
I was wrong.
Borderline Personality Disorder, AKA (BPD) is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behaviour, self-imaging, and functioning, according to the website for National Institute of Mental Health. (https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml)
This is new to me. Well, new to my knowledge of it.
My gambling is impulsive. The way I view myself is negative. The chronic suicide thoughts are real. The feelings of emptiness are always at me. I have a few of the symptoms.
Almost a year to the exact date of being diagnosed with severe/major Depression, a Mental Health Professional tells me I may have BPD.
Who am I to disagree?
She asked the questions. I gave her the answers. She made a decision/diagnosis on the information.
She made a great point that I never thought of before.
She asked if I drink alcohol or abuse any drugs. I said no, I never used drugs and I quit drinking in April.
She then asked if my gambling increased around that date? I replied, "Maybe".
She said since I used binge drinking to cope before, after I stopped drinking I needed something to take its place to cope. Enter, the excessive gambling.
I guess that's why she is a doctor and I am not. Smart lady.
I needed a replacement for the alcohol. She pointed out that the gambling was now the main way for me to cope. The impulsive behaviour with gambling fits me perfectly.
Finding out that I have a disorder could have been stressful for me. It wasn't. Honestly, it made more sense to me why I am what I am or do the things that I do.
I am finding out more about myself. That is critical for me going forward in life. It is critical for my Mental Health.
I put on a disappearing act the last 36 hours, and I apologize for that. Not many, if any, knew where I was.
I didn't want to be found. That is selfish and I know that. Lucky for me, I have great friends and parents. I am grateful to have you people in my life. I may not express it well, but it means so much to me to know that you're there for me.
Finding out something new can be devastating for me, even when it is negative. But how I perceive it is, that it is important information that I need to continue to fight. It is easier to to battle your enemies if you know more about them. It's what I tell my hockey players when I do a video session. Whether it is positive or negative, this gives us information about the opponent. Understanding them will only make us better as a result. I want to inspire the uninspired.
But, as I have found out this past year, nothing for me will be easy.
This new information is hard.
But I am harder. I am stronger. Fighting is what I do, so I will fight this too.
"Every negative- pressure, challenges- is all an opportunity for me to rise."
- Kobe Bryant
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
He flinched. I didn't.
"I am not afraid of you anymore," I said.
I told him I have seen everything he has to offer. Once upon a time, I was interested in what he had to say. Tempting as the Devil may be to get me to kill myself, I resisted. But, I didn't on my own.
I speak openly about suicide. Somedays I feel I have it beaten. Other days, I cannot get the self-murdering thoughts under control. It is a battle. Don't let it fool you. It has me fooled.
This is a topic we need to talk about more. Hard for anyone to know if you have suicidal thoughts if you do not speak of them. We (Canadians from all over), need to create an environment where it is OK to speak freely about suicide and not be judge. Not just to doctors, nurses, or counsellors, but to everyone.
"Hey mom, I have suicidal thoughts," should be a phrase someone can say and not be judged as a crazy person.
Just because you have suicidal thoughts doesn't mean your crazy. Take it from me.
Tell your friend.
"Hey bestie, I think about suicide a lot. What can I do?"
They may not have the answer because they never been hit with such an honest and true question that has major consequences.
They may not know where to get help because, much like the general population, they do not know the answer. That is why we need to talk more about suicide and take it serious.
I have chronic suicidal ideas. Will I ever act upon one of them? I hope not. That is why I speak about it. It is hard to speak of things that scare us the most. It is also hard to speak of things we do not understand. If you never had suicidal visions, you cannot begin to comprehend or believe what I think of when it comes to the topic.
You may have walked by me, or talked to me on the same day where I thought about hanging myself over an overpass on the highway. Does that make me crazy? Who are you to judge?
I have seen a quote. Treat everyone with kindness, because you have no idea what they are going through.
I am trying this daily.
So, what does this have to do with the title of this Blog?
I have slept for 24 hours. Prior to that, I was awake for 40 hours. This is what happened, well what I did.
I left a friends house in Halifax after supper late Sunday night. As I drove back to East Hants, I fought with the urge to gamble. I tried calling a help line. It didn't work. I didn't call my parents. I didn't call anyone. Consequently, I gave in to the urge.
But prior to the urge to gamble, I had the feeling of worthlessness and didn't like it. Thoughts of suicide crossed my mind. I knew I was in for a long night, regardless of what I would do. I had planned of going to the hospital, but before that, I had to try to make myself feel good. That is when I went to gamble.
As stated before, I have an addiction. It is bad. I would go to the ABM, say to myself out loud, "T.J., you know this is not right."
A different voice inside of me would say, "Who cares? Better than suicide thoughts."
What a way to cope. I know I am doing something wrong, but I cannot stop. I didn't look up the definition of 'addiction', but I am assuming that is very close to what I would find.
So, after 6-7 hours of straight gambling, I ran out of money. The next step was the hospital. Again, I already planned on going. I was already convinced by being by myself, I wasn't safe. I was right.
At 6:00 a.m., I admitted myself to outpatients in Truro. I was hoping to be admitted to the Psych Unit.
After an 8 hour wait to see someone that wanted to talk to me regarding my mental illness, I was hoping to be put under the watchful eye of professionals. I wasn't.
At first, this bothered me. But after talking to someone from the Mental Health Crisis team and another Psychiatrist, I learned something new about myself. I didn't think it was possible to add to my problems.
I was wrong.
Borderline Personality Disorder, AKA (BPD) is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behaviour, self-imaging, and functioning, according to the website for National Institute of Mental Health. (https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml)
This is new to me. Well, new to my knowledge of it.
My gambling is impulsive. The way I view myself is negative. The chronic suicide thoughts are real. The feelings of emptiness are always at me. I have a few of the symptoms.
Almost a year to the exact date of being diagnosed with severe/major Depression, a Mental Health Professional tells me I may have BPD.
Who am I to disagree?
She asked the questions. I gave her the answers. She made a decision/diagnosis on the information.
She made a great point that I never thought of before.
She asked if I drink alcohol or abuse any drugs. I said no, I never used drugs and I quit drinking in April.
She then asked if my gambling increased around that date? I replied, "Maybe".
She said since I used binge drinking to cope before, after I stopped drinking I needed something to take its place to cope. Enter, the excessive gambling.
I guess that's why she is a doctor and I am not. Smart lady.
I needed a replacement for the alcohol. She pointed out that the gambling was now the main way for me to cope. The impulsive behaviour with gambling fits me perfectly.
Finding out that I have a disorder could have been stressful for me. It wasn't. Honestly, it made more sense to me why I am what I am or do the things that I do.
I am finding out more about myself. That is critical for me going forward in life. It is critical for my Mental Health.
I put on a disappearing act the last 36 hours, and I apologize for that. Not many, if any, knew where I was.
I didn't want to be found. That is selfish and I know that. Lucky for me, I have great friends and parents. I am grateful to have you people in my life. I may not express it well, but it means so much to me to know that you're there for me.
Finding out something new can be devastating for me, even when it is negative. But how I perceive it is, that it is important information that I need to continue to fight. It is easier to to battle your enemies if you know more about them. It's what I tell my hockey players when I do a video session. Whether it is positive or negative, this gives us information about the opponent. Understanding them will only make us better as a result. I want to inspire the uninspired.
But, as I have found out this past year, nothing for me will be easy.
This new information is hard.
But I am harder. I am stronger. Fighting is what I do, so I will fight this too.
"Every negative- pressure, challenges- is all an opportunity for me to rise."
- Kobe Bryant
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
Tuesday 3 January 2017
I have an Addiction- January 3, 2017
It must be something with the start of the years. The last two beginnings of a new year have been absolute terror to me. Just the worse.
On December 30, 2016, I lie awake on bed at my parents place in Newfoundland. I hear my mother or father walking towards the room. My mother enters. She ask how I am.
"Not good. I am thinking of ways to kill myself," I reply.
Not what a parent wants to hear at all.
I thought 2016 was over.
So close. Just one day away.
Then the thoughts hit me hard. How hard? Unexplainable. But I am going to tell you my thoughts and feelings.
This illness is continuing to keep me grounded. Any time I feel like I am rising against it, the Depression brings me back to Earth, and even sometimes, down to hell. I am learning new things about it. I thought I had a good grasp on it, whether it was bad or good.
I was suppose to be crossing to Nova Scotia tonight. That would be an easy way to kill myself. No evidence left behind. No need to worry anymore. I could leave a few suicide notes for people, just to tell them where I am gone. To a better place, maybe. The way I feel tonight, hell would be a step up for me.
Then again, I am in my own hell. A self-developed hell that has unknown origins. The demons are my children. My offspring. Opposed to a flower, they only need darkness to grow. They have plenty of that tonight, at this very moment.
All I can see is death and how life would be better off with me gone. I know it is lying to me, I just can't buy into it tonight. I cannot see the truth in life tonight. There are constant reminders all around me that tell me life is worth living. I know this to be true, but believe it is bullshit on this evening. I don't know what could or can change my mind. Tonight, I am stubborn. Tonight, I am losing my battle. Tonight, I am closer to quitting than ever before, or at least in a long time. Tonight, has been the worse in quite some time....
...It's a night later. I feel better. I have a lingering thought. It is motivated by the location I am currently at. Probably a good thing that if these words are being read, that I am alive.
Here's the troubling thought. Ready for it T.J.? I have played it over and over in my head.
In about 2-3 hours, the boat I am on will be somewhere on the ocean between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia. I have been on record saying that if I am going to kill myself, no one would find my body. What an opportunity I have.
It's easy enough. My sister and her boyfriend are upstairs in the quiet area. That place is not for me. I don't even know what quiet is.
I can write my goodbye letters. I have lots of ink, paper, time, and thoughts.
Scary?
If it is scary for you, you cannot even begin to imagine how frightening it is for me. It is like having an empty net in hockey. No one is around me. I have the puck. I can finish the game off. I can 'put the nail in the coffin.' I have all the resources to end it. Game over.
It's the perfect setup for me. All the ducks are in a perfect row.
I am scared. Scared for my life. What if I have some serious suicidal thoughts? I can't imagine that the mental health/illness services on Marine Atlantic are any good. Heck, on land they are 'OK', at best.
What is even worse, I can envision the death. Once I jump and hit the icy cold waters, it will be done. All over. Finally.
I even know how it would be afterwards. I would be awaiting in the afterlife for people I know. Unlike me, they will live out their lives.
How fitting would it be to end my story by not even making it to 2017, and finally giving in to the year that truly has killed me.
It would almost be righteous and poetic.
It's a haunting thought that is reoccurring. No one would even yell 'man overboard' because no one will see it. I wonder if the propellers would chew me up and spit me out?
I am not crazy. These are thoughts that I have to fight with. I try to prolong them as much as possible.
I remember a man this past summer jumping off the ferry during one of the crossings. Imagine the last few thoughts that went through his mind as gravity made him splash into the water? Can you imagine his final thoughts?
I can.
I won't say I know exactly what that person was thinking, but I am willing to bet I can make somewhat of an accurate guess.
The boat is beginning to move. So shall I.
January 3, 2017...
I look at the clock in my car. It says 2:25 am I think. I can't recall perfectly. The tears in my eyes make it difficult to see.
I had a breakdown.
I gave in. I relapsed. I couldn't handle it anymore.
At 2:25 am, I had to call my parents with my eyes watering. It took two calls to reach them, but they answered, as I knew they would. Full of anticipation and fear, they asked a simple question.
"T.J., what's wrong?"
I tried to fight the crying, but couldn't. I mustered up a reply.
"Mom and dad, I am gambling again and I cannot quit. I am sorry."
I couldn't handle the deception anymore. I had to tell the truth. It took everything in me. So does this next sentence.
I am an addict.
I am addicted to VLTs. How do I know? Last night I played up to $400. I lost it all without cashing a ticket. I stopped and whispered to myself.
"T.J., you're fucked."
I feel like such a let down and piece of shit. It is so hard to explain in words. I crumbled. I feel weak and vulnerable. I couldn't see the highway because of the tears. My parents talked me into pulling over on to the side of the road,
I am ashamed and a disappointment. I let people down.
I let myself down.
It was hard to open up about my Depression. Telling my parents that I was gambling again was second hardest. I lost it and had no one else to turn to. I feel so bad.
I don't even know what day it is.
The gambling sugarcoats the Depression. It does not necessarily help it, but hides and suppresses it.
I thought I was doing so well. I was lying to myself and everyone again.
Like a coward. I am a coward.
It's a quiet madness that becomes so deafening to me. Twisted inside my mind, I can make sense of it all. No would else could or would understand. it's a sickness on top of a sickness. It's an addiction. I cannot control it anymore. It controls me.
This is when thoughts of being dead makes perfect sense to me. Not to most, but to me. No longer a burden to anyone.
So many lies. I don't want to lie anymore. It eats away at me. I lied for years. I put a mask on my entire life. I was going back to those ways again. And I was lying to my parents to make maters worse. The people that stand by me since I was born. Stayed at my side during my hardest moments in life. They have supported me, and I have let them down in my eyes. I can't see it any other way.
I have let my sister down. My friends. My son. Everyone and anyone. It feels like...I have no answer for that.
I owe people money because I gamble. I don't even have a job. What the fuck am I doing with myself?
It brings me to tears how awful I feel. There are some things I can't even talk about because they may be too bad.
Fuck it. I have to speak about it.
I haven't committed robbery or anything like that. I would do 'somewhat' illegal things to get money. Not illegal like selling drugs or anything like that.
I am a university graduate. I am a high school graduate. I am smart, when I want to be. I know the difference between right and wrong.
I want to keep my integrity in check. If I don't have my integrity, I feel I don't have anything. That's why I am coming clean. I may not be a great person or whatever because of my illness and addiction, but I am accountable for my actions, whether they be good or bad.
T.J. Smith knows the difference between right and wrong.
T.J. Smith's gambling addiction does not know the difference between right and wrong.
The addiction has caused many problems for me. All I want is for me to stop. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to stop. But I can't.
Why do I feel like a let down?
Because people that trusted me will probably never again. I ask to borrow money, and I gambled it. Not to feed myself. Not to shelter myself. Not for anything other than gambling. Why would anyone trust me again? Do I even deserve a second chance? Feels like my whole life is coming undone.
I feel terrible because I have lied to people. I deceived them. I wouldn't be surprised if I lost friends because of this.
I need help. Step one. Admitting it.
Step two? I don't know.
But I am going to try and win. I am going to repay everyone and everything I owe. I can do that. It will not be today or tomorrow, but that day will come. I will correct my wrongdoings. I will. I am asking for forgiveness. Is it the cowardly way yo do it behind text? Probably. But for me, it is a start.
I am truly sorry to everyone. I am not a bad guy, I just made some bad choices. I will get the necessary help. That I promise.
AT this moment. all I know is my name is T.J. Smith and I have a Gambling Addiction.
"Do not be embarrassed by your failures, learn from them and start again."
- Richard Branson
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
On December 30, 2016, I lie awake on bed at my parents place in Newfoundland. I hear my mother or father walking towards the room. My mother enters. She ask how I am.
"Not good. I am thinking of ways to kill myself," I reply.
Not what a parent wants to hear at all.
I thought 2016 was over.
So close. Just one day away.
Then the thoughts hit me hard. How hard? Unexplainable. But I am going to tell you my thoughts and feelings.
This illness is continuing to keep me grounded. Any time I feel like I am rising against it, the Depression brings me back to Earth, and even sometimes, down to hell. I am learning new things about it. I thought I had a good grasp on it, whether it was bad or good.
I was suppose to be crossing to Nova Scotia tonight. That would be an easy way to kill myself. No evidence left behind. No need to worry anymore. I could leave a few suicide notes for people, just to tell them where I am gone. To a better place, maybe. The way I feel tonight, hell would be a step up for me.
Then again, I am in my own hell. A self-developed hell that has unknown origins. The demons are my children. My offspring. Opposed to a flower, they only need darkness to grow. They have plenty of that tonight, at this very moment.
All I can see is death and how life would be better off with me gone. I know it is lying to me, I just can't buy into it tonight. I cannot see the truth in life tonight. There are constant reminders all around me that tell me life is worth living. I know this to be true, but believe it is bullshit on this evening. I don't know what could or can change my mind. Tonight, I am stubborn. Tonight, I am losing my battle. Tonight, I am closer to quitting than ever before, or at least in a long time. Tonight, has been the worse in quite some time....
...It's a night later. I feel better. I have a lingering thought. It is motivated by the location I am currently at. Probably a good thing that if these words are being read, that I am alive.
Here's the troubling thought. Ready for it T.J.? I have played it over and over in my head.
In about 2-3 hours, the boat I am on will be somewhere on the ocean between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia. I have been on record saying that if I am going to kill myself, no one would find my body. What an opportunity I have.
It's easy enough. My sister and her boyfriend are upstairs in the quiet area. That place is not for me. I don't even know what quiet is.
I can write my goodbye letters. I have lots of ink, paper, time, and thoughts.
Scary?
If it is scary for you, you cannot even begin to imagine how frightening it is for me. It is like having an empty net in hockey. No one is around me. I have the puck. I can finish the game off. I can 'put the nail in the coffin.' I have all the resources to end it. Game over.
It's the perfect setup for me. All the ducks are in a perfect row.
I am scared. Scared for my life. What if I have some serious suicidal thoughts? I can't imagine that the mental health/illness services on Marine Atlantic are any good. Heck, on land they are 'OK', at best.
What is even worse, I can envision the death. Once I jump and hit the icy cold waters, it will be done. All over. Finally.
I even know how it would be afterwards. I would be awaiting in the afterlife for people I know. Unlike me, they will live out their lives.
How fitting would it be to end my story by not even making it to 2017, and finally giving in to the year that truly has killed me.
It would almost be righteous and poetic.
It's a haunting thought that is reoccurring. No one would even yell 'man overboard' because no one will see it. I wonder if the propellers would chew me up and spit me out?
I am not crazy. These are thoughts that I have to fight with. I try to prolong them as much as possible.
I remember a man this past summer jumping off the ferry during one of the crossings. Imagine the last few thoughts that went through his mind as gravity made him splash into the water? Can you imagine his final thoughts?
I can.
I won't say I know exactly what that person was thinking, but I am willing to bet I can make somewhat of an accurate guess.
The boat is beginning to move. So shall I.
January 3, 2017...
I look at the clock in my car. It says 2:25 am I think. I can't recall perfectly. The tears in my eyes make it difficult to see.
I had a breakdown.
I gave in. I relapsed. I couldn't handle it anymore.
At 2:25 am, I had to call my parents with my eyes watering. It took two calls to reach them, but they answered, as I knew they would. Full of anticipation and fear, they asked a simple question.
"T.J., what's wrong?"
I tried to fight the crying, but couldn't. I mustered up a reply.
"Mom and dad, I am gambling again and I cannot quit. I am sorry."
I couldn't handle the deception anymore. I had to tell the truth. It took everything in me. So does this next sentence.
I am an addict.
I am addicted to VLTs. How do I know? Last night I played up to $400. I lost it all without cashing a ticket. I stopped and whispered to myself.
"T.J., you're fucked."
I feel like such a let down and piece of shit. It is so hard to explain in words. I crumbled. I feel weak and vulnerable. I couldn't see the highway because of the tears. My parents talked me into pulling over on to the side of the road,
I am ashamed and a disappointment. I let people down.
I let myself down.
It was hard to open up about my Depression. Telling my parents that I was gambling again was second hardest. I lost it and had no one else to turn to. I feel so bad.
I don't even know what day it is.
The gambling sugarcoats the Depression. It does not necessarily help it, but hides and suppresses it.
I thought I was doing so well. I was lying to myself and everyone again.
Like a coward. I am a coward.
It's a quiet madness that becomes so deafening to me. Twisted inside my mind, I can make sense of it all. No would else could or would understand. it's a sickness on top of a sickness. It's an addiction. I cannot control it anymore. It controls me.
This is when thoughts of being dead makes perfect sense to me. Not to most, but to me. No longer a burden to anyone.
So many lies. I don't want to lie anymore. It eats away at me. I lied for years. I put a mask on my entire life. I was going back to those ways again. And I was lying to my parents to make maters worse. The people that stand by me since I was born. Stayed at my side during my hardest moments in life. They have supported me, and I have let them down in my eyes. I can't see it any other way.
I have let my sister down. My friends. My son. Everyone and anyone. It feels like...I have no answer for that.
I owe people money because I gamble. I don't even have a job. What the fuck am I doing with myself?
It brings me to tears how awful I feel. There are some things I can't even talk about because they may be too bad.
Fuck it. I have to speak about it.
I haven't committed robbery or anything like that. I would do 'somewhat' illegal things to get money. Not illegal like selling drugs or anything like that.
I am a university graduate. I am a high school graduate. I am smart, when I want to be. I know the difference between right and wrong.
I want to keep my integrity in check. If I don't have my integrity, I feel I don't have anything. That's why I am coming clean. I may not be a great person or whatever because of my illness and addiction, but I am accountable for my actions, whether they be good or bad.
T.J. Smith knows the difference between right and wrong.
T.J. Smith's gambling addiction does not know the difference between right and wrong.
The addiction has caused many problems for me. All I want is for me to stop. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to stop. But I can't.
Why do I feel like a let down?
Because people that trusted me will probably never again. I ask to borrow money, and I gambled it. Not to feed myself. Not to shelter myself. Not for anything other than gambling. Why would anyone trust me again? Do I even deserve a second chance? Feels like my whole life is coming undone.
I feel terrible because I have lied to people. I deceived them. I wouldn't be surprised if I lost friends because of this.
I need help. Step one. Admitting it.
Step two? I don't know.
But I am going to try and win. I am going to repay everyone and everything I owe. I can do that. It will not be today or tomorrow, but that day will come. I will correct my wrongdoings. I will. I am asking for forgiveness. Is it the cowardly way yo do it behind text? Probably. But for me, it is a start.
I am truly sorry to everyone. I am not a bad guy, I just made some bad choices. I will get the necessary help. That I promise.
AT this moment. all I know is my name is T.J. Smith and I have a Gambling Addiction.
"Do not be embarrassed by your failures, learn from them and start again."
- Richard Branson
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)