Today, the want to be dead has never been so scary.
It’s real today. It’s not even 2 pm, and to be completely honest, it wouldn’t
surprise me if I didn’t make it through the remaining 10 hours.
There’s no purpose. There’s no meaning. There’s no….
There are thoughts and feelings. Grasping my
well-being and not letting go.
“I want to die.”
“It’s time to go T.J.”
“Write the suicide notes and leave them.”
I am not afraid of dying, but I don’t want to die.
I’ve broke down in my living room, car, and shower,
so far. Begging myself to stay alive. I lied to my father already with the old
line, “Everything is fine.”
Why do I lie to people?
Nothing feels fine right now. I am so broken.
Time may heal wounds. Time also opens the old ones.
These thoughts and feelings that I believed I had accepted are
What’s my point anymore?
Being told I am not good enough. It keeps
conditioning my thoughts; maybe I am not worthy of life.
Worthless. Useless. Sad. Alone. All thoughts and
feelings I can take to the other side with me.
I once told my parents that I want to be cremated.
Hopefully they remember that.
I can’t fight these thoughts and feelings today.
I’ve been awake for about 4 hours. Not a minute has
passed that something is telling me to kill myself. It’s a convincing thought
today.
The mental aguish is disheartening. I am in pain,
but not for me. For those I will leave behind. My parents. My son. My friends.
Whoever. I am sorry.
Depression is winning this battle today. All the
lies I hear within are sounding so good. Are they even lies if I believe them?
Five different ways. Five different way I have seen
my death in my mind today. It’s a challenging and crippling vision.
As I write this, a person came into Tim’s,
recognized me, and gave me a hug.
What a difference.
Temporary fix.
I had a great past weekend. No worries with an
occupied mind of trying to win softball games. Being around people that support
you was great. One of the best weekends I ever had.
If my thoughts get the best of me today, it will be
my last weekend.
This isn’t a sap story. I am not looking for empathy,
sympathy, or understanding. I need to vent. The thoughts and voices and
sentences inside my head will kill me if I keep them in. They need to get out,
or they will win.
The power of the mind is exceptional. Here I am
trying to be an advocate for mental health and all I can think of today is
ending my own life.
Perhaps I am a hypocrite or phony or bullshitter. Maybe
all the above.
Whatever I am, I am staying true to myself. I don’t
have to share these frightening thoughts. These horrific feelings. I am just
getting them out of me.
There is no ‘Once upon a time’ or ‘A long, long
time ago’ start to my story. It’s not a fairytale and may not have a happy
ending. I believe the lies that I will end my own life someday and my story
will go from a theme of hope to tragedy.
I have come to terms with who and what I am. I know
I am a narcissist. How do I know? I have written just under 600 words, and the
word ‘I’ has been used about 40 times. I am outspoken and straight-forward. I
know how to manipulate a situation and I am stubborn.
I am also thoughtful and emotional. I am grateful
for the people in my life and the patience they have for me. I am ambitious and
determined, both traits that lead me to believe I am capable of killing myself.
And suicide is not an act of cowardice. Want the
truth? Suicide means giving up. I am not a coward for wanting to be dead. The
opposite holds true. The burden of me will leave this world and people will be
better off.
I mean, what the fuck do I have to offer?
I am a 33-year-old man that has been living with
his parents for the last 18 months or so.
I can’t keep a romantic relationship because of my
unpredictability.
My son is living his life, as I am a spectator from
afar.
I don’t have a job.
I don’t have a house.
I see myself as a loser that don’t deserve to live.
Maybe I am not the beacon of hope anymore. My voice
has lost its impact.
I hope this a speedbump for me.
If this is my last blog, I am sorry.
If I let you down. I am sorry.
And for you that struggle with depression or any
mental illness, be stronger than me. Don’t give up. Please. It is worth it. My
life just doesn’t seem like it.
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the
shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen
close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
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