My First Challenge Alone- Wednesday, February 17th, 2016

Am I going to kill myself tonight? No. I am not giving up. But I don't feel the greatest. I had a good day. Met with a psychiatrist. Went to work. Went on the radio to speak of my illness. Went to a team function. That's when I felt it coming on. This is new territory for me tonight. I was fine all day. I was good. Smiling and had a good day.

I don't feel like working out tonight. I didn't feel it all day. I had a feeling of anxiety early. I stepped outside and had a breath of fresh air. All I want to do is listen to music and write. I feel so alone. First time in a long time. Not sure what to make of it. I have been testing the waters, so to speak. I have been out in the public and in social settings. I was fine. No problems. No bad thoughts. No terrible feelings. Why tonight? This is weird. I know a lot of people said they are there for me. I get that. But I need to face this challenge alone. Don't I? I mean, I can't go through life relying on people, can I? Every time I feel down, I can't rely on someone. I need to fight this myself. I can't describe this feeling. It's empty. All I hear are my thoughts and feelings. Completely oblivious to the surrounding environment. I am puzzled.

I guess this is part of the Depression. Showing its ugly face again. An encore performance. I don't feel like I want to harm myself, but I feel worthless and useless. Pure self-depreciation. I was doing so good though. Doctors and nurses said these nights may arise. They got that right. Maybe I was lying to everyone today when they asked how I was? I don't know. I felt good earlier. This sucks. I don't know if anything can make me feel better. My thoughts are with me regardless. I am not going to gamble. I am not taking steps backwards. This is an obstacle. A hurdle. I can cry. I can take my meds and knock myself out. That's an option. Yeah, I can feel it tonight.

Maybe this is what is difficult to understand about Depression. Today, I felt great. Now, tonight, I feel awful. No words can explain it. Empty, maybe? I don't know. Like something is eating away at me. Inside of me. Thoughts and feelings bouncing off my bones. Nowhere to go. Just staying inside. Deep breaths.

Indeed, deep breaths T.J.. One after another. One second at a time. You can get through this. It's almost 9:00 pm. Day is almost over."No it's not T.J.". "How do you figure?" "Quiet down, please?" Great. There's a conversation going on and I can't silence it. Powerless. Simply powerless.

I spoke with someone today. We are somewhat 'pen pals'. We share our journal entries with each other. That person sent me one entry last night. I asked the question today; "Do you think it is better to have loved and loss than to ever loved at all?" That person said the latter. I am not sure where I stand. How can I if I never 'really' loved someone before? It's a loaded question. A very loaded question. Where do I stand? Not too sure. On one hand, have I ever felt love? I have recently. But it's too late for that. On the other hand, the pain and hurt from someone leaving. Is it too much to bear? But I can handle the pain. So, did I answer my own question? I am not sure. It's like coaching hockey. I hate to lose more than I love to win. How much pain can I take of someone leaving me? Or is the feeling of love for someone worth the pain? Everyone is different. But if you love someone and they love you, chances are you will stay together, hence no pain. So the question is unanswerable unless you have experienced it. If I polled 100 people, I have no idea what the results would be like. It is something that needs to be experienced. It has to be a feeling. Not a thought. Thoughts can hurt you. Feelings do hurt you. That's the difference between the two. We often interchange the words. I "think" versus I "feel". There is a difference. Too me, anyways. I catch myself slowing down myself to properly use those words. I can 'think' of lies. You can't lie to feelings. As much as people try, you can't. That's when things get clouded and you keep things in. Keeping feelings in almost cost me my life. Thoughts of suicide almost cost me my life. Tough topic. Still trying to distinguish them.

Fear? Yeah. My thoughts are scary. And painful. Pain that can't be translated into words. Self-induced? No. I didn't ask for this. Helpless. I feel vulnerable. It is not a sign of weakness. It's a sickness. I can endure this pain. These thoughts, I can endure. The Devil has set up shop in my head tonight and demons are poking at my heart. This isn't fun. The writing helps. I need to develop a method to quiet the thoughts. This is how messed up Depression is. I am having a bad night. But I don't want anyone to worry or help. Why? I don't know. I cannot answer that. Questions are not hard to ask. Giving the answers are. Finding the answers. It's only on Jeopardy that the answers come before the questions. I can't even crack a smile. I am hoping by the time I am done typing my thoughts and feelings subside. The music helps.

I guess a month ago I was still in the hospital. But everything was going good. I guess my thoughts don't care about that. I guess Depression don't care about that. No matter how well I feel one moment, Depression can enter the next. Well, writing is part of my coping. This helped. But I am holding on tight tonight. I never liked rollercoaster's. I am on one tonight. There are screams and yelling, but silently and within in my head. Off the dome of my skull. They can't get out. Not yet. Maybe they will exit through these words or the tears I will cry. Here we go. "Goodnight demons". "Not yet."

You may play inside of me tonight. But you won't win. You won't get me.

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith