If you make enough wrong
turns, you will get lost. If you keep making the same turns, you’ll end up in a
circle.
I fall into the latter
category.
Gary Zukav explains it
like this…
’Unworthiness
is the inmost frightening thought that you do not belong, no matter how much
you want to belong, that you are an outsider and will always be an outsider. It
is the idea that you are flawed and cannot be fixed. It is wanting to be loved
and feeling unlovable, or wanting to love and feel that you are uncapable of
loving ‘.
Of all the symptoms from
depression, the feeling of unworthiness stays with me the longest. When I
become hopeless, I can again find hope. Suicidal thoughts stem from the roots
of not feeling worthy. If there is no worth to my life, why shall I live?
When I make a new friend,
there is hope that it is a relationship that can last, regardless of how close
we may or may not get. It is being in meaningful relationships that help with
feeling worthy. Worthy to be accepted by another being. Worthy to be in their
company. Worthy to be loved.
With me, there is
baggage and skeletons. Truth is, some bad decisions were made when I was younger.
That’s where growing up comes into play. Ashamed of my past actions, I still
have to relive them when someone poses a question of my history.
That part really bothers
me. A lot.
If someone I met today
judged me on my early twenties, they would see a shitty, ungrateful person that
was arrogant and had zero repercussions. Thus, they probably wouldn’t want me
in their life. I don’t blame them.
That’s not me anymore.
Change is one of the top ten values I live by.
The caterpillar is a
wormy looking bug that would make us cringe almost every time because we are
unsure of it. But at some point, the caterpillar thinks to themselves and says,
‘Fuck this. I am done being an insect that moves slowly through life’. Then, that
same bug decides to go into a shell for some time. When they exit the cocoon,
they have changed into something completely different. A butterfly. A
magnificently looking winged life form. They can fly to wherever they want in
life.
My journey is that of
the caterpillar. Though, I am not yet the butterfly I want to be, I am working
to get there.
Then my mind reminds me
of my biggest flaw; being unlovable. The flaws outweigh the positives. There
may be more quantity of the positives, but the quality of the flaws always come
back to get me. Being unlovable is in the equation to the feeling of loneliness,
as well.
Unlovable and lonely. Two
terrible and terrifying traits to have. No one wants to be with someone who is
unlovable and therefore you are left alone.
This is would have been
my 2009 dating profile;
An arrogant
and selfish young man that has no idea what he wants out of life. I get black
out drunk on weekends and in that state of mind, I try to pick up women, hoping
the liquor charm is working that night and can get lucky. My other hobbies
include gambling to a point where I spend all my money and have to lie to my
parents to send more. I don’t workout or diet properly. I don’t read books. I
don’t even know what mental health means, so certainly don’t want to know about
that.
As I write that
description, tears fill my eyes. That’s who I was. That was my legacy during
that time in my life. I mean, how am I not desirable? Unworthy and unlovable. I
wonder why I really believe that. It makes sense now.
It really hurts to think
of how I was. I am embarrassed and it makes me cry.
Fast forward ten years.
Look in the mirror. What
image do I see? An unlovable and lonely man. Though, so much has changed in my
life, those two flaws are still with me.
I do believe I will be
alone my whole life. That’s a truth I believe. Since then, I have been in a few
romantic relationships. And they have all ended the same, me being too hard to
love and ultimately, me being alone, once again.
But I am not that same 23-year-old.
Things are different now. Immensely.
There’s a son and dog in
my life. I’ve faced and fought serious demons with my battle against depression.
Those demons don’t scare me anymore. I have reconnected with my parents. I don’t
drink like I used to, actually, don’t drink much at all.
The gambling has been
eliminated, even though that was my greatest struggle. Addiction, in my words, ‘doing
something that you know is unhealthy but makes you feel so good for the moment’.
Addicts know what I mean.
I have become a mental
health advocate. Helping others through my experiences. Listening to their
stories to help them fight their own battles.
I am currently in the
best physical shape of my life. Going to the gym used to be considered a chore
for me. Now, I love it. Seeing changes in my body. The work is paying off. In
addition to the exercise, I have changed my diet as well.
I have entered into a
By-Election to become a councillor in my hometown of St. Anthony.
Yes, externally, life is
way better than 10 years ago.
Inside though, there is
the unlovable, unworthy, and lonely person. This is a riddle I can’t solve, so
it seems.
Every action in life results
in reactions by others. Every step that I perceived to be making in the right
direction, there always be someone left out along the way.
I can battle depression
and anxiety and all that comes with it. My next personal challenge is to figure
out why I am unlovable and unworthy. Searching for something you have no idea
where to find it will take time and perseverance. Failures will happen.
Obstacles are in the way. Emotions will be on that roller coaster. The
uncertainty will be extreme.
I will not give up.
Never. Life is a journey and along the way, we need to take ownership of
ourselves. Right now, I am sick and tired of not being good enough, being
unlovable, being alone. I am. It sucks.
Storms do create damage.
But storms don’t last forever. And when the storms are over, the butterfly will
then fly.
"Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way".
- Les Brown
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
