Just a Random Entry- for once

Losing has never really been an option for me. Everything I’ve done, especially in school and sport, I never lost. Well, of course, I have ‘lost’ in the very definition of the word, when it comes to wins and losses. Losing is easy to do- just quit. I was taught at a young age how to win and how to win with integrity and class. I was also taught to learn from your losses. For example, if it was a game of hockey, and our team didn’t win, instead of trying to look for reasons or excuses to as why we lost, I would think of what can we do next time to ensure this doesn’t happen again. Improvement through losing. Learning through losing. When you develop the ability to do that, you are always winning, regardless of the score. People always look to blame others for their shortcomings. Those people are followers. Leaders look for ways to better themselves and the people around them. I have concluded I am and was always a leader. Maybe that is presumptuous of me. I know what I am and I am a leader.

Awareness has been critical to my health improvement. Before admitting to my illness and seeking help, I was lost and had no personal definition. I didn’t know who I was as a person, boyfriend, son, friend, or father. I was just going through life, suffering more and more each day, afraid to speak of my illness. I almost lost it all. It would have been the final game for me. Lights out and end of the story. But it is not.

Self-awareness has been one of my strengths my whole life. When my Depression would be at its toughest, it robbed me of my strength. Depression was my kryptonite to my self-awareness. Alone, I would sit, quizzing myself. “Who are you?” “What are you?” “What have you done in your life?” “Does this get better?” “Am I better off dead?” “Who loves you?” “What’s wrong with me?” Do not be afraid of these questions and less afraid of the answers.

Here is a quote I saw on Twitter today- “Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are.” Find the truth in which you are before you look at others and make judgement. Look in the mirror. That’s your first challenge. Your first barrier. Once you can come to terms with who and what you are, the rest will come. You will realize there is no reason to judge others. Coming to peace and understanding  yourself will guide you to a life of enlightenment. You will have less stress in your life. This is my example. I was recently home for a week. Unbelievable week of relaxation. I used to hide tears. “Can’t cry T.J. that will mean you are weak.” No, I have realized that is not true. I also don’t credit the tears to my illness. I am OK with expressing my feelings and emotions. Why is it we have no problem smiling and laughing, but it is socially unfavourable to cry? Society does not determine my emotions and feelings. They used to. Not anymore. Back to my point. I was watching America’s Got Talent. I am not getting into what the show is about, but I enjoy it. Anyways, I was watching it late one night, and the last talent to come on the show was a young sixteen year old girl. They told her story and how she got to where she was. I started to cry. I felt connected with her story and empathized with her. I had no problem to let my feelings out and it felt great. I will attach a link at the end of this blog to the tear-jerking segment.

It was Confucius that said, “Respect yourself and others will respect you”. I have come a long way since January in that department. Actually, there are a lot of changes since January. To be honest, if you only knew me previous to me getting help, you knew the selfish, scared, and disturbed excuse of a human being. I have made a 180 degree turn and I love the path I am on. I can respect myself now. I have made the necessary transformations. I still made a few mistakes, but I have learned and thus improved my life. I have learned to surround myself with people that want to understand me. Yes, I said want to, not understand me. The effort to understand me and my illness is more important than someone lying by saying, “I understand”, with a half-assed head nod. So far, since January, one person has decided to no longer be apart of my life. It sucks because it was someone I cared for a lot and was with me through some rough times. That person had to make decisions to find happiness in their life and I respect that and understand that decision. I just want to let you know I think of you often and miss talking to you. So, since that person went down a different road, I am still on mine. My point is, surround yourself with people that care and love you. That will pick you up when you are down. That will let you be who you are and hold no judgement. That will respect you and empathize with you. That road ahead may be bumpy with a lot of steep hills and sharp turns. You need passengers and other travellers that will help you overcome any impeding obstacle. Those are the people that will help you find happiness.

Death was imminent for me. Life, in my mind, was over. It was like a game of Jenga. If I pulled one more tile from the tower, the whole thing would have came down. But instead, I sought help. I was committed to getting better and staying alive. Having suicidal thoughts, or crying alone at night are not the best feelings to have. I have come a long way in such a short time. Why do I share my story? Why not, is my reply. If I do not share my experience, I am playing into the stigma. Stigma, by definition is, " a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation". I don't feel disgrace. I am proud that I am speaking out about Mental Health. It has helped me, but it has helped even more people. That's my mission- to end the stigma. There is no need to feel disgrace or shame. Your reputation is not stained. Who the hell makes that decision or claim? Having a Mental Illness does not define who you are. You, the very being that you are, defines you. Depression is like a wet blanket dousing a flame. Preventing it from growing and shining bright. I am the fire and I am burning up the blanket. As long as there is a spark, I will continue to live. The flame that is burning inside of me is vibrant and hot. The blanket is there, at times, but I am burning holes in it. Remember, just because you have a Mental Illness doesn't mean it is the end for you. You can get help. You can get better. There is greener grass on the other side of the fence. Trust me, I lived on the side without grass for ten to fifteen years, hiding behind a mask. I know now I am leader. I am a battler. I am a survivor. I am an inspiration. You can be too. We are in this together. 

Link to America's Got Talent; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9msiUy0JN64

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

                                                                                                     - Leo Buscaglia

Yours Truly, 

T.J. Smith