More Needs to be Done- June 22, 2016

If it wasn’t for nurses and doctors and psychiatrists and counsellors, there is no doubt I would be dead. No questions asked. I got to a breaking point. I lost control and couldn’t handle it anymore. Life became too miserable to live. Dying was easier. No way could I carry on. Taking no breaths was easier than taking any.

I am currently home in St. Anthony, Newfoundland. The demons are stirring. The monsters are coming out from under the bed. “Come to the dark side T.J.”, they tempt me. “Sounds like an option”, I reply. I know how to end it. I have run that scenario through my head several hundred times. Sadistic images of how to kill myself. I know it is coming. What better place to kill myself than my hometown? Should I reveal how to do it? No, let’s keep the suspense up. Whoever finds me will be the first to answer that question. I am minutes from doing it. Just as well. I had enough. Goodbye!

I am in St. Anthony, Newfoundland. It’s my hometown. I love it here. The previous paragraph is not true. I am doing great and feeling awesome. I am not content. I am more than content. I am feeling tremendous. But, what if the previous paragraph was true? What if my Depression took me to my lowest of the lows? Where would I go for help? Who would I turn to? Sadly, there is no clear, define answer. I could go around the town, ask people where to go, and I bet few to little would have the answer.

I am in St. Anthony, Newfoundland. One of the most northern points in the province. Rural fishing community.  It does have a hospital that serves 37,000 people in northern Newfoundland and southern Labrador and Quebec. A staff of 1500 plus. Sounds like a very functional facility, and no doubt it is. I have many friends that work there and do amazing work. But what if I walked in and told them suicide is imminent? What could they do for me?

I am in St. Anthony, Newfoundland. I suffer from Clinical Depression. I have a Mental Health Illness. I am not crazy or insane. I am sick. Where do sick people go when in need? A hospital. I am no different. No, I don’t have cancer. I don’t have diabetes. I don’t even have the flu. I have an illness that I carry with me everywhere I step, whether it be downtown Halifax, Nova Scotia or rural Newfoundland. My point is, I should be able to get the same help wherever I am.

I am in St. Anthony, Newfoundland. The hospital here serves 37,000 people. Statistics show that 1 in 5 Canadians suffer some kind of Mental Illness. 20% of 37,000 is 7,400. That is about three times the population of my hometown- St. Anthony. These are not just numbers I am making up because I am ‘crazy’. These are facts. It’s reality. I am an athlete of many sports. Stats don’t lie.

Why am I making these observations? I am shocked by the Mental Health services that are offered here for a hospital that serves 37,000. I am no expert, but if I am willing to guess, 7,400 people have not passed through the local hospital seeking help for their Mental Illness. It pisses me off actually. I am concerned about the help that is offered here. Back to my second paragraph of this blog. What services would keep me alive? Do I get admitted to a Psych Unit where I am under the constant care of two nurses, many counsellors and three to four psychiatrists? Doubtful. Why aren’t those services offered here? When I was admitted in Nova Scotia, it was in a rural fishing community on the southwest coast of the province. Fishing is the main economy. Hospital that serves 64,000 people. Other than the number of people it serves, it is very similar to my hometown. So, why are the services offered so far apart?

Again, more questions than answers. I am not a politician, but I sense some people in the government are making decisions without being educated about Mental Health. Let’s just sweep it under the rug and maybe it will go away. How many people have to suffer before the proper help is offered? Or how many more people have to die? Even better, how many more people have to suffer in silence because they have nowhere to turn? Those are the people I am concerned about. The people who are fighting a Mental Illness by themselves. It is one of the hardest battles in life. One of the hardest illnesses to fight. They still have a chance at life. At least with cancer and diabetes there is a social acceptance and more answers. With a Mental Illness, there are complicated questions without any resolving answers.

I want to make myself clear; I am not questioning the people that work with the Mental Health services here at the local hospital. I am sure some of those professionals wish there were more services and help. I am a huge advocate for Mental Health. I have learned to voice my concerns and opinions. It has helped many. I hope it continues to help more. I care an awful lot about my hometown and the people that live here. I do not like to see people suffer in silence. How do I know? Trust me, I can tell. I wore the same mask that they wear. I told the same lies. I acted in the same play. I know. And I understand.

So, in closing, I want to extend an olive branch. Anyone that needs help or think they need help, please feel free to ask me. I am not a Health Care Professional. Though, I am someone who suffered and someone that is not only surviving, but thriving at life. I have said this before; I was minutes from pulling my car into the garage, hooking up a hose, revving the engine, and saying goodbye. That was almost seven months ago. I have come a long way. A very long way. I have suffered for years. I almost ended it. My point? You don’t need to be a statistic. You can be an inspiration. You can make a change to save your life. If you need help, talk to me. I will go through the wall for you. You are not alone, as much as it may feel. I am here for you. Individually, we may not survive. But together, we are too strong. We are resilient. We are warriors. We are survivors!

“Memories have huge staying power, but like dreams, they thrive in the dark, surviving for decades in the deep waters of our minds like shipwrecks on the sea bed.”

                                                                                                - J. G. Ballard

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith