I get why people may be
embarrassed or ashamed to seek help for Mental Health Illnesses. When I first
began to document my excursion with my Depression, I wanted to help myself. I
needed help from others to get better. There is no shame in that. That’s why we
have friends and families. That’s why there are doctors and nurses. All people
to help others. What I started to realize once I spoke of my illness publicly,
I began to help others. I am a nobody in the grand scheme of things. Just a
young man from Newfoundland trying to find his way in life. There are good days
and there are bad days. The bad days suck. They are hell. The good days are
easy, so to speak, in comparison with the difficult ones.
I am trying to enjoy my
good days more. Take my time and slow life down. The bad days though, they
don’t seem to end. Time almost stands still, but in a bad way. It can be
torturing. Fighting is not easy. It takes a lot to get through the bad days or
moments.
But you’re there. All
of you that message me or talk to me. You are helping, even if it is in the
smallest way. You don’t know how much kind words, or a hug can mean to someone
that is struggling with Depression. It gives me hope and strength. It helps
them believe that life is worth fighting for. It is a sign that someone cares.
This time last week, I
was sleeping. I slept the day away. I didn’t want to wake up at all. Ever
again, even. But that day is now behind me. It was tough. Very tough. I must
admit, I was somewhat naïve. I thought I could be ‘cured’. That’s not going to
happen in the foreseeable future. Maybe further along in life, as I develop as
a person and get stronger. I watched the ‘Resurrection of Jake the Snake
Roberts’ last night. There was a line he said. “This addiction will be with me
for life.” Powerful sentence. Made me realize I am in the same boat, just with
my Depression. It will be with me for majority of my life. It is mine to wear.
Mine to battle. I am not too proud to say that I will need help along the way.
I will need lots of it. But that’s why you let certain people in your life.
People that can help. People that care. Greatness does not happen by mistake.
You have to strive for it. Fight for it. Earn it. It isn’t handed out to
anyone. It takes work.
So why fight when you
are down? I won’t lie, it is easier to stay down and quit. Here is some
knowledge; only the weak quit. Only they give up, especially when times are
tough or faced with adversity. You’re not weak if you ask someone for a hand or
help. That takes courage. Don’t be too proud to become strong. You need others
to become strong. Leaning on other people for help is not a bad thing.
A letdown leads to an
opportunity. Options, actually. Two options. Let the letdown take a negative
effect on your life by letting it get to you. Or option number two- the letdown
motivates you.
My prescription for one
of my medications has run out. Don’t worry. I am sure the doctor would have
refilled it if it was necessary. Just another trial for me. Can I be OK without
my meds? We are going to find out. It may be the hard way where I end up in the
hospital again. So be it. I am not against or too proud or ashamed to go back
to the hospital. I am not suggesting I want to. I am saying, this is new
territory for me not taking this certain medication. If I cannot cope or handle
the Depression, I will admit myself again. I will not let it get to the point
where I want to jump off the MacKay Bridge in Halifax. Thought has crossed my
mind before, and to be honest, if I was to kill myself, that would be right up
there as how I would. And no, that doesn’t make me crazy. That means I suffer
from Depression and thoughts like that cross my mind. Don’t be alarmed, I am in
control, as of now.
Before seeking help, I
didn’t know such a thing was possible. Honestly, and excuse my language, I
thought if you had Depression, you were fucked. How many of you thought the
same thing? Ignorance is more common than we think. And I am not saying you are
an ignorant person. My bet is that you were never educated on Mental Health
Illnesses. Leading to untrue conclusions about Mental Health issues.
I am not going to lose.
I am too strong. I am going to make a difference in others’ lives. I am going
to help people. I am getting a tattoo next month with the words ‘Hope’, ‘Inspiration’,
‘Strength’ inscribe on my skin. Those words will stay with me until death. And
wherever I go people will ask, “What does that mean?” I will answer proudly, “It
means I have Depression and I refuse to quit.”
I close my eyes. I can
see the end game. I am not scared of dying. It’s an inevitable truth. But it is
the process we need to learn to enjoy. Life is the process. I said to another
coach last week, “Hockey consumed my life, 365 days a year 24/7.” Yes, I love
it, but along the journey, I forgot, actually, never learned, to enjoy other
aspects of life.
So, my choice? My
choice is to live and enjoy life. I have reminders that keep me going. I wake
up and open my eyes. That is a battle for me, for anyone who suffers with
Depression. Believe it or not, opening my eyes is an accomplishment. First
victory of the day. On to the next; get out of bed. I kid you not. Small
victories lead to bigger triumphs.
“How do I keep going?”,
I ask myself. Believe it or not, it is the easiest question to answer. I keep
going because people inspire me to take my next breath. Whether it is my son,
my parents, my family, my sister, my friends, or even strangers- I keep going
because of all of you, because of the support. It makes me strong. Every
message or comment goes a long way in helping this young man continue to
battle. People, in my opinion, are the strongest weapon on Earth. It is up to
people if they want to use that weapon for good or for bad. Anyone that has
reached out to me, you are one of the good ones. Caring about others is
something I could not feel before. I feel it now. You have built my heart and
help fill the emptiness in my soul. Your kindness has helped save my life. That’s
the power people, together, can have. And together, we are going to end the
Stigma behind Mental Health. I will see it in my lifetime. Because I believe in
people. Deep down in all of us, there is something special. We all have the
capacity to care for others. Some of us have yet to find it. Don’t worry, you
will. Took me 29 years to find it in me.
Never give up on your
dreams. Do not settle for less. Always strive for perfection, because you may
never reach perfection, but along the way, you will find excellence. Laugh with
the sinners and cry with the saints; who said you can’t do both? Don’t break
the rules, but definitely push the boundaries. Success is not given, it is
taken and earned. If you need help, don’t be afraid to ask. Be humble and kind.
Express love and smile often. Don’t hide the tears, they symbolize your heart
and soul. Be who you want to be and not what someone else expects. It is your
life and you live it however you want, whether you have a Mental Illness or
not. You get one shot at this wonderful thing a lot of people take for granted.
I encourage living it to the fullness. You never know where you may find
happiness. Don’t live life unhappy. That choice is yours.
“If you wait for the perfect moment
when all is safe and assured, it may never arrive. Mountains will not be
climbed, races won, or lasting happiness achieved.”
-
Maurice Chevalier
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
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