Over the past few months, during my illness recovery, I have
been trying to be a better person. Trying to grow and develop. In all aspects of
my life. Some things are easier to develop than others. More failures than
successes. I focus on the controllable factors. I won't be able to do it all in
a week or even a month. It will take time. I am trying
I have made a lot of mistakes in the past. Never apologizing
or always avoiding things. Go through life like a coward. I lived life scared
and suppressed with my illness. It made me into someone I despised. The
reflection in the mirror was enough to make me vomit. I knew what I was doing
wrong. Actually, that is a lie. I didn't know what I was doing and I didn't
know how to stop. I figured, since I am already in a hole, just as well to see
how far I could go. Never thinking I could get out of it. I felt as if I was
beyond repair. No hope. Being in my twenties, I thought I had enough. I didn't
know there was help available. I didn't know what it looked like. No clue. The
sad reality is this; if I had continued down the same road, continuing to dig
my hole deeper, I would have given up. The truth is, my son probably would have
found his father's body. Ice cold. The blood not running. The heart not
pumping. The brain shut down. That would be a traumatic experience for him.
That won't happen now. He won't find his daddy in a pool of
his own blood. The days can be tough. They can be rough. It's not an easy road.
I am learning different ways to cope, to fight. One of those methods is tapping
in and becoming aware of my senses. Think less, and let my senses guide me.
They cannot lie to me. The mind creates lies and fiction. The senses is the key
to honesty. To the truth.
I am learning to perceive with my senses. Taste, touch,
hearing, seeing, and smelling. I am understanding how the brain uses the senses
to create stories. There are two hemispheres. The left side and the right side.
I am not a doctor, but how I understand it is like this; The right side of our
brain receives our senses. Whether it be seeing something or hearing a sound,
or whatever sense is in use. It is the left side of the brain that does the
judging and makes up stories. The right side of the brain holds no judgement.
It is the left side that creates fictional stories. Could be stereotyping. I
cannot discuss with any educational certainty on the science behind it all,
just the basics.
There are infinite examples to use. One example that has
always been around is racism. Can you smell racism? Can you taste racism? You
may hear some ignorant person say things about racism. You're not born a
racist, are you? I don't think so. Actually, I know so. I wonder how many
people see a person of Muslim culture or descent and immediately, without using
their senses, make judgement about that person? An alarming rate if I was to
make a guess. Sad really. Did you use any of your five senses to make a
conclusion? Or did you make a prior judgement, AKA stereotype, of that person
because of something you saw on TV or the news? That's what the left side of
the brain does. It makes up stories. Can I filter my senses from the made up
stories? I am trying.
One example of this is simple as a conversation. Next time I
sit to talk with a person, I will listen intently. I listen with my ears, eyes,
and nose. I listen to the voice and to the body language. I listen to the human
being. Ever since I have been doing this discipline, I have been more
emotionally invested in my conversations. I retain more info. I use my senses.
I don't make prior judgments. I clear my mind, and I become invested in the
conversation with my senses. Before learning this new skill, I was horrible to have
a conversation with. Always waiting for it to end. No matter if it was with my
parents, my son, my friends, co-workers, or whoever. I was never mentally
present. My mind was never there. Always elsewhere. Off in another dimension.
Not on this planet, let alone, in a conversation.
Is it fair to judge a person without getting to know them? I
have done it before. It's not fair. Who am I to do that? Based on some false
information my mind made up, I would make a judgement. We all get fooled like
that from time to time. What do we, as society, see when we see a homeless
person on the street? People avoid them. Some people verbally abuse them. Some
people give them money Have you ever stopped to have a conversation? Why not? Because
they live on the street? We know absolutely nothing about that person's life,
yet we are qualified to judge them? Maybe they had a terrible upbringing. Maybe
they lost all of their money. Maybe they lost their families. Maybe they are
not educated enough to get a job. Maybe they are lazy. Maybe they haven't
showered in weeks. Underneath the physical appearance, there is a human being
in there. A person with thoughts and feelings. A person that may be lonely. A
person that is vulnerable. Next time I see a homeless person, I am going to try
not to judge that person by appearance. By odour. By whatever. It might only
take five minutes, but I may ask a few questions. Hear what the person has to
say. I am not better than a homeless person. I am no longer insecure, worrying
what others may think of me.
This may not work for everyone or be effective in all
situations. It is a technique that I myself have begun to use to help me fight
my illness and become more in-touch with myself. To find out who I really am,
deep down inside. It may sound like a cliché. I am not looking for sympathy or
approval. It is just something I need to do for myself. To help get me better.
To help make a difference. I don't expect it to happen overnight, but I will
get better at using my senses to perceive this world. I envy the people that
can already do that. They are special people.
I am not my mistakes. A friend sent me that sentence. It is
so true. I have made a lot of mistakes. More than most. I am not seeking
forgiveness. I am owning up to my mistakes. Trying not to make the same ones
again. I am not blaming everything on my illness. I am aware that it had made
me into a different person. Something I hated. Something other people hated. I
was an anchor on my life and others around me. I need to create a new vision
for my life's journey. And try not to worry much about the past. What is done
is done. I will repair what can be fixed. I am confident about that. Some
people will still hold judgement on who I was while I suffered in the past
several years. That disease cast a shadow over me and prevented me from being a
solid human being. I wasn't a bad person, I just wasn't living my life. I
sucked at life and had everyone fooled.
Denial is the first stage. Well, it was for me. How can I be
Depressed? Mental Health wasn't a concern. I knew very little about the topic.
Also, I couldn't tell no one I was Depressed. It was too embarrassing. I play
and coach in the most manly, tough guy sport in this country. How would it look
if I was crying to someone about my problems? Or if I even complained I was
having suicidal thoughts? I was under the impression that I was not allowed to
have Depression. I hid for many years, no fault to others, but my own. I had
denied that I was sick and needed help. It was confusion for me. I am sorry to
all of the people around me that I have affected negatively with my inability
to seek help earlier in my life. Denial was definitely the first stage for me.
Stories and situations made up in my mind from no facts or evidence. I just
assumed I was having a bad day. Over and over and over. And it was taboo for me
to say anything about it to anyone.
I feel like I wasted a lot of my life, especially the last
seven or eight years. Maybe I didn't. I just don't know.
"The first step toward change is awareness. The second is acceptance."
- Nathaniel Branden
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
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