It starts in my guts. My lower abdomen. Then the feeling
comes to my head. Like a rush, but just a mediocre one. The ghostly butterflies
tumble around my stomach. Sometimes my chest starts tightening. That's when I
know the anxiety may come about.
It's not a cramping feeling. It's an weird emptiness
feeling. I start squinting my eyes because my focus is heighten. I focus solely
on the thoughts that are fast approaching. If you saw my face, it would be
stern and hard. You can tell by my eyes. If looks could kill, well, I am not
going to finish that sentence. You know where I am going with it T.J..
I am not sure if the soul is inside of us or if it is a
thought or feeling. Dictionary referral is necessary. Soul is "spiritual
and immortal part of human being." That's a deep meaning. Describe my
soul? No idea where to begin. My soul is caged by an illness. A prisoner of
Depression. If the soul is immortal, if I die without a soul, what is left of
me? A memory? Nothing? I no longer fear death, but maybe a new fear has found
me. The fear of not having a soul.
If I gained access to my soul, would the emptiness and
hopelessness be gone? If I understand myself more, would that allow me to
unlock my soul? Do I need a soul? Can I be compassionate, loving, and affectionate
without a soul? Do I need a soul to live? Is it necessary for life? A lot of
tough questions. The answers are even tougher.
Maybe I am chasing my tail. Searching for the unsearchable.
Something that is lost. With no map to it. Or maybe the journey of life is the
path to one's soul Or, is it possible I am completely insane and making no
sense at all? Who knows? I certainly don't.
I am sad tonight. I have a friend who is not having a good
night. I feel helpless. Wish there was more I could do. I got to speak to that
friend. I felt a few smiles. It came naturally and nothing was fake. All real.
Maybe that is a part of my soul.
Nights are not the best for me lately. I truly hope it is
the medication switch. I feel myself becoming easily agitated at the littlest
things. Tonight, anxiety came about. I took an Ativan for that. I assumed it
helped. I didn't take notice.
The medication I am on now is called Cloriprime. Originally
developed in the 1950's to treat people with Tuberculosis. It isn't like the more
recently developed anti-depressants. This pill can be lethal in high dosages,
and don't worry T.J., I already asked the doctor about that. It can be traced
in the blood, so it can give an indication of how much is in my system.
Something like that. If this round of medication is unsuccessful, ECT will be
the next move.
Electroconvulsive Shock Therapy, AKA ECT. In simplest form,
I get induced into a seizure while electrodes are attached to my head. A
electric current is sent into my brain. Sounds scary, but not to me. The fear does not register with me. Maybe, if I am lucky, it will shock my soul
back to life.
Fear of dying is no longer a fear of mine. That's not to say
or suggest I am going to live a reckless life. Or take my life. I have to put
it into perspective. I saw Death's face. He offered his hand to me. I almost
reached for it and accepted. Instead of a journal, it would be an obituary and
eulogy written instead.
I am 'soul-searching' in every possible meaning of the word.
I am also trying to repair and build it back up. I want to make it better. I
need to improve. I need to give it some definition. It needs to have meaning.
Pundits or whoever can say that cannot be done. Nay-sayers. Pessimistic
individuals. Degrading people. If the soul is "immortal", then what
human being can tell me what to do with my soul? Who is the soul expert? If you
know one, please tell them T.J. would like to have a conversation with them
about the very subject. I have some questions or FAQ's. I would love to meet
the expert that is going to tell me where to find my soul. The way I see it,
the only person that can find my soul is me. It is mine. No one else's. My
patent. Thoughtful and sincere self-assessment and self-awareness has got me on
the right path.
The soul is mine to find. To feel it. To feed it. To grow
it. My beliefs, values, thoughts, emotions, culture, body, and feelings will
fuel my soul. The soul is the most internal truth to who and what you are as a
person. It is yours and yours only. You can give your heart to someone. You can
share your knowledge that is in your mind with someone. Hell, you can even give
someone your kidney. But the soul cannot be given. If you can't feel it, don't
look to someone else for it. They don't have it. It is somewhere inside of you.
Hiding or locked up in your bones. Waiting to be released. The challenge is to
find it and let it be free. That is my current predicament. Locating and
freeing my soul. I have some clues to as where it is. Some hints to what is
contained within. But it isn't quite free yet. And when I find it, I am sure it
will find its way onto these pages.
"The most powerful weapon on Earth is the human soul on fire"
- Ferdinand Foch
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
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