Here we go again. The empty feeling I know all too well. My
soul is absent. My feelings are void. My mind is racing wildly. My vision seems
blurred. Only positive is I haven't had too many thoughts of suicide. Just one.
A new creative way. It's too dark and dangerous to share, even for me and my
illness.
I can't slow my mind down. Cannot organize the simplest of
thoughts. Just spinning and spinning while the rest of my body is hollow. The
demons and the visionaries. Demented and inventive. Suggestive and provocative.
I am a phantom. I hear noises. All around me. The roar of
the TV. The chatter of a couple people. The refrigerator running. I can't
distinguish any of it when I close my eyes. Mangled together, making no sense
at all. I guess that makes sense. Right?
I take deep breaths. Trying to slow down my thoughts. They
are ruling me tonight. I close my eyes. Try to be aware of my feelings. What do
I feel? Worthless. Not sure if that is a feeling or a fact. I feel useless. I
feel sad. Very sad. I may be unhappy. I don't even know the meaning of happy.
How can I even know what the opposite means? It's all confusion. I don't think
confusion is a feeling. I believe it is a thought. Then again, the heart can be
confused. So, I guess it can be a feeling, too. Learned something new tonight.
Go figure.
I can't illustrate this tonight. I should paint this twisted
creature of mine on a canvas. It may be
easier to depict. I am dishearten. My thoughts are belittling me. There is
little-to no graphic suicidal thoughts. They are not diabolical in nature
tonight.
"You are worthless. You are useless. You cannot be
loved. There is nothing good about you. You're wasting other people's
air". It's a narrative in my mind. I hear my own voice. Voices of others,
as well. Toxicity of the brain. Pure poison. And all I can do is simply nod in
agreement. There is nothing to argue.
I am having difficulty to find strength inside of me tonight.
Weaken, my mind is overran. Controlled by some mystifying illness. Telling me I
am insignificant.
I close my eyes. I try to tap into my senses. "OK. Here
we go T.J.", I tell myself. I use my strongest sense first. My ability to
smell. I can't smell anything. I guess it is staying with tonight's theme-
Nothing. I look around the Unit. The colours are dull. Nothing appeals to me.
Nothing is moving. It's all lifeless. I now hear Family Guy on TV in the
background. It's my favorite show. I don't even have the mood, energy, or
attitude to go watch it. My touch is my fingers to this pen. They are sweaty
fingers. My mouth is dry. Not hungry. I may have a drink of water, which tastes
like...wait for it T.J. ........Nothing!
Even my senses are beating me down tonight. Telling me the
truth as well. I don't wish I was brain dead. If 'thought dead' was a thing, I
be inclined to find out more about it.
It's almost medication time. Last night it was ten pills;
seven short of a pack of Smarties. I don't dream anymore. If I do, I don't
remember it. I can't recall my last dream. Nightmares? Well, I have those while
I am awake. It seems more like reality when you're awake. I have numbness
throughout my body while fireworks are going off in my head. Quite the paradox,
indeed.
This is the problem; it is self-inflicting pain, but not of
the suicidal nature. It's a demoralizing pain. Once again, nothing has
triggered this. It's as if I am my own worst enemy and I cannot defeat it.
Well, I can, but the thoughts are not leading me there tonight.
Only option I feel I have is to endure. To bare down, hold
on, and take the internal abuse until my eyes close on this day. It won't be
easy. I cannot distract these thoughts. Even the journaling tonight hasn't
help. Just a instantaneous reminder of how worthless, sad, and depressed I am.
I feel dizzy. The cogs of the wheel are working extra hard
tonight. What can I fight back with? Well, the ten pills of medication will be
a good first attack. Then the brain chemistry takes over. How much more can the
mind take? It is always full of negative thoughts. How resistant will I be?
The following morning.
I don't even remember writing that last paragraph. My
writing was awful and it didn't make much sense to me. I am writing this
paragraph a day later.
I got through last night, but it was another early morning.
5:00 am I believe. Too early when I am getting very little sleep as is. I have
negative self-thoughts again today. It sucks.
But as much as this sucks, I am still here. I survived the
night. It was like a scene in the movie Twister. I knew the storm was coming. I
seen it in the distance. Coming straight for me. I rushed to the storm cellar.
I barred the hatch. The storm is getting closer. Almost directly over me. But I
am holding on tight. Not giving in. I can't. The storm is figuratively made up
in my mind, but just a powerful as the real thing. I am strong enough to hold
on. I am strong enough to survive. I can get through this. I am not alone
anymore. I am inspired. It is not easy. It never will be anymore. Toughness.
Endurance. Character. Attitude. Perseverance. Strength. Friends. Family.
"If you want to see the sunshine, you have to weather the storm."
- Frank Lane
Yours Truly,
T.J, Smith
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