Hospitals & Exposing Nash - This excerpt was written February 27, 2016
Nash is coming to Yarmouth today. I currently resided at the
Psychiatric Ward at the Yarmouth Regional Hospital. It is my home while I get
better. I never thought Yarmouth, Nova Scotia would have such a profound impact
on my life. I don't think I rather be anywhere else while trying to get better.
This is the best environment for me. Everything from the doctors to the nurses
to my new relationships, this place has been life-saving. Truly, life-saving.
During my first stay here at the hospital, I didn't want to
talk to Nash. I felt ashamed. I couldn't handle it. I would break down
immediately. It was too much for me. As I was slowly getting better, I could gradually
get back to talking with him. My dad asked me yesterday if it would be OK to
bring Nash to the hospital to see me like 'this'. The stigma of Mental Health
was probably in the back of his mind. I am trying to destroy that stigma. I need to expose my son to this place. He
needs to see how his daddy is and that there is help available. He needs to
understand that being sick can come in many forms. Cancer. Influenza. Strep
Throat. Depression. I will educate my son on Mental Illness. When he is old
enough, I will explain it in-depth to him. Right now, he knows his daddy has to
be in the hospital to get better. He is almost four years old. He can
comprehend that. I want my son to see firsthand that being in the hospital to
get help is a wonderful thing.
I used to hate the idea of hospitals. I really did. I didn't
have any reason to have that bias opinion.All of my moms sisters are nurses. I say it is bias because my belief
was this; hospitals are a place where people go to die. That is incorrect. Fact
is, hospitals are places where people need to go to get medical attention. To
get help. To be cared for. To hopefully feel better. To stay alive. Graveyards
and morgues are places to go die. Not hospitals. Hospitals are great. They are
not great because of the high technological machines or medicines. They are
great because of the professionals that work there. The people that care for
you. They are life savers. I am forever grateful to them.
So on that point, I need my son to understand that as well.
Nothing to be afraid of. He needs to see me here. He won't understand why yet,
but someday he will. I want him to be comfortable around people with Mental
Health issues. I am not hiding my Depression from him. I am trying to teach my
son about respect of other people and that people are unique. Everyone is their
own person. I also want to teach him that there is no shame on voluntarily
coming to the hospital to seek help. I thought before I could shield him from
my demons, my illness. That's not how it should be. He needs to see me at my
worst. Only then, he can begin to understand. Plus, he will bring a smile to my
face. he has that ability. I even thought him to say the word 'Depression'.
My life is or has been changed forever. By coming to this
hospital seeking the professionals help was the smartest thing I've ever done.
Not sure what road I would have been heading down otherwise. The road I am on
is not paved. It is bumpy. There are many sharp turns. Some days there is no
fog. Some days there is too much fog. There are hills. Steep inclines. When it
rains, it pours. I use my wipers. Though, there are some days when the wipers
don't work. They tend to fail me from time to time. There are dangerous driving
conditions. There are some areas of the road where I drive by edges of
mountains. Some days I can drive fast, but mostly I go slow. I have to go slow
because I can't see the road ahead. No further than what is directly in front
of me. It seems to be constantly under construction. My GPS is obsolete. There
are no alternative routes. No detours for me. No short cuts. There are rest
stops along this road. I fuel up and get necessary maintenance done. I drive it
all myself. There is only me behind the wheel. There are some landslides.
Almost got smashed by a boulder. I don't take advantages of the passing lanes.
Ironically, they only appear when I am low on fuel and need to stop for a fill
up. When the snow starts to fly, the driving becomes hazardous. Vision is
decreased. Speed is reduced even more. Tires don't do to well in the snow. The
heater is also broken. My adjustment to the road has been a challenge. I am
transitioning well, though. I got help from travelers going in the same
direction. Getting help from a few hitch hikers. I was getting help from people
that head down a different road and it didn't work for them. There will be more
obstacles. Road blocks and unscheduled construction. All of that can make a
driver want to quit. Never to push on anymore. That's when a crash can occur.
And no survivors. Sorry, survivor.
The road is complex, but at least I am on it. I need to stay
the course. I don't have a detailed flight plan. I don't know what will come
around the next bend, but I am not afraid of it. My acceptance of fear has put
any external frightening things to rest. If the road was smooth and straight, I
wouldn't be a good driver. It would be too easy. I wouldn't be able to develop
the skills to handle the tight turns or slippery sections. Easy is no longer a
word in my vocabulary. Everything from this point on will be hard. I accept that. I understand that. Anyone can
drive on a straight, smooth road. My life will be a tough highway, but I am OK
with that. I am trying to get prepared for that, although I am not sure I will
ever fully be prepared. I am confident I will be able to face most challenges.
So, it is time for me to get in the car and buckle up because this road will
push me to my limits. But, I can go to those limits and see what I am truly
made of.
"Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory
however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no
survival."
- Winston Churchill
- Winston Churchill
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
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