It must be something with the start of the years. The last two beginnings of a new year have been absolute terror to me. Just the worse.
On December 30, 2016, I lie awake on bed at my parents place in Newfoundland. I hear my mother or father walking towards the room. My mother enters. She ask how I am.
"Not good. I am thinking of ways to kill myself," I reply.
Not what a parent wants to hear at all.
I thought 2016 was over.
So close. Just one day away.
Then the thoughts hit me hard. How hard? Unexplainable. But I am going to tell you my thoughts and feelings.
This illness is continuing to keep me grounded. Any time I feel like I am rising against it, the Depression brings me back to Earth, and even sometimes, down to hell. I am learning new things about it. I thought I had a good grasp on it, whether it was bad or good.
I was suppose to be crossing to Nova Scotia tonight. That would be an easy way to kill myself. No evidence left behind. No need to worry anymore. I could leave a few suicide notes for people, just to tell them where I am gone. To a better place, maybe. The way I feel tonight, hell would be a step up for me.
Then again, I am in my own hell. A self-developed hell that has unknown origins. The demons are my children. My offspring. Opposed to a flower, they only need darkness to grow. They have plenty of that tonight, at this very moment.
All I can see is death and how life would be better off with me gone. I know it is lying to me, I just can't buy into it tonight. I cannot see the truth in life tonight. There are constant reminders all around me that tell me life is worth living. I know this to be true, but believe it is bullshit on this evening. I don't know what could or can change my mind. Tonight, I am stubborn. Tonight, I am losing my battle. Tonight, I am closer to quitting than ever before, or at least in a long time. Tonight, has been the worse in quite some time....
...It's a night later. I feel better. I have a lingering thought. It is motivated by the location I am currently at. Probably a good thing that if these words are being read, that I am alive.
Here's the troubling thought. Ready for it T.J.? I have played it over and over in my head.
In about 2-3 hours, the boat I am on will be somewhere on the ocean between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia. I have been on record saying that if I am going to kill myself, no one would find my body. What an opportunity I have.
It's easy enough. My sister and her boyfriend are upstairs in the quiet area. That place is not for me. I don't even know what quiet is.
I can write my goodbye letters. I have lots of ink, paper, time, and thoughts.
Scary?
If it is scary for you, you cannot even begin to imagine how frightening it is for me. It is like having an empty net in hockey. No one is around me. I have the puck. I can finish the game off. I can 'put the nail in the coffin.' I have all the resources to end it. Game over.
It's the perfect setup for me. All the ducks are in a perfect row.
I am scared. Scared for my life. What if I have some serious suicidal thoughts? I can't imagine that the mental health/illness services on Marine Atlantic are any good. Heck, on land they are 'OK', at best.
What is even worse, I can envision the death. Once I jump and hit the icy cold waters, it will be done. All over. Finally.
I even know how it would be afterwards. I would be awaiting in the afterlife for people I know. Unlike me, they will live out their lives.
How fitting would it be to end my story by not even making it to 2017, and finally giving in to the year that truly has killed me.
It would almost be righteous and poetic.
It's a haunting thought that is reoccurring. No one would even yell 'man overboard' because no one will see it. I wonder if the propellers would chew me up and spit me out?
I am not crazy. These are thoughts that I have to fight with. I try to prolong them as much as possible.
I remember a man this past summer jumping off the ferry during one of the crossings. Imagine the last few thoughts that went through his mind as gravity made him splash into the water? Can you imagine his final thoughts?
I can.
I won't say I know exactly what that person was thinking, but I am willing to bet I can make somewhat of an accurate guess.
The boat is beginning to move. So shall I.
January 3, 2017...
I look at the clock in my car. It says 2:25 am I think. I can't recall perfectly. The tears in my eyes make it difficult to see.
I had a breakdown.
I gave in. I relapsed. I couldn't handle it anymore.
At 2:25 am, I had to call my parents with my eyes watering. It took two calls to reach them, but they answered, as I knew they would. Full of anticipation and fear, they asked a simple question.
"T.J., what's wrong?"
I tried to fight the crying, but couldn't. I mustered up a reply.
"Mom and dad, I am gambling again and I cannot quit. I am sorry."
I couldn't handle the deception anymore. I had to tell the truth. It took everything in me. So does this next sentence.
I am an addict.
I am addicted to VLTs. How do I know? Last night I played up to $400. I lost it all without cashing a ticket. I stopped and whispered to myself.
"T.J., you're fucked."
I feel like such a let down and piece of shit. It is so hard to explain in words. I crumbled. I feel weak and vulnerable. I couldn't see the highway because of the tears. My parents talked me into pulling over on to the side of the road,
I am ashamed and a disappointment. I let people down.
I let myself down.
It was hard to open up about my Depression. Telling my parents that I was gambling again was second hardest. I lost it and had no one else to turn to. I feel so bad.
I don't even know what day it is.
The gambling sugarcoats the Depression. It does not necessarily help it, but hides and suppresses it.
I thought I was doing so well. I was lying to myself and everyone again.
Like a coward. I am a coward.
It's a quiet madness that becomes so deafening to me. Twisted inside my mind, I can make sense of it all. No would else could or would understand. it's a sickness on top of a sickness. It's an addiction. I cannot control it anymore. It controls me.
This is when thoughts of being dead makes perfect sense to me. Not to most, but to me. No longer a burden to anyone.
So many lies. I don't want to lie anymore. It eats away at me. I lied for years. I put a mask on my entire life. I was going back to those ways again. And I was lying to my parents to make maters worse. The people that stand by me since I was born. Stayed at my side during my hardest moments in life. They have supported me, and I have let them down in my eyes. I can't see it any other way.
I have let my sister down. My friends. My son. Everyone and anyone. It feels like...I have no answer for that.
I owe people money because I gamble. I don't even have a job. What the fuck am I doing with myself?
It brings me to tears how awful I feel. There are some things I can't even talk about because they may be too bad.
Fuck it. I have to speak about it.
I haven't committed robbery or anything like that. I would do 'somewhat' illegal things to get money. Not illegal like selling drugs or anything like that.
I am a university graduate. I am a high school graduate. I am smart, when I want to be. I know the difference between right and wrong.
I want to keep my integrity in check. If I don't have my integrity, I feel I don't have anything. That's why I am coming clean. I may not be a great person or whatever because of my illness and addiction, but I am accountable for my actions, whether they be good or bad.
T.J. Smith knows the difference between right and wrong.
T.J. Smith's gambling addiction does not know the difference between right and wrong.
The addiction has caused many problems for me. All I want is for me to stop. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to stop. But I can't.
Why do I feel like a let down?
Because people that trusted me will probably never again. I ask to borrow money, and I gambled it. Not to feed myself. Not to shelter myself. Not for anything other than gambling. Why would anyone trust me again? Do I even deserve a second chance? Feels like my whole life is coming undone.
I feel terrible because I have lied to people. I deceived them. I wouldn't be surprised if I lost friends because of this.
I need help. Step one. Admitting it.
Step two? I don't know.
But I am going to try and win. I am going to repay everyone and everything I owe. I can do that. It will not be today or tomorrow, but that day will come. I will correct my wrongdoings. I will. I am asking for forgiveness. Is it the cowardly way yo do it behind text? Probably. But for me, it is a start.
I am truly sorry to everyone. I am not a bad guy, I just made some bad choices. I will get the necessary help. That I promise.
AT this moment. all I know is my name is T.J. Smith and I have a Gambling Addiction.
"Do not be embarrassed by your failures, learn from them and start again."
- Richard Branson
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
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