Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)- January 10, 2017

The Devil looked me in the eye the other day and I looked right back at him.

He flinched. I didn't.

"I am not afraid of you anymore," I said.

I told him I have seen everything he has to offer. Once upon a time, I was interested in what he had to say. Tempting as the Devil may be to get me to kill myself, I resisted. But, I didn't on my own.

I speak openly about suicide. Somedays I feel I have it beaten. Other days, I cannot get the self-murdering thoughts under control. It is a battle. Don't let it fool you. It has me fooled.

This is a topic we need to talk about more. Hard for anyone to know if you have suicidal thoughts if you do not speak of them. We (Canadians from all over), need to create an environment where it is OK to speak freely about suicide and not be judge. Not just to doctors, nurses, or counsellors, but to everyone.

"Hey mom, I have suicidal thoughts," should be a phrase someone can say and not be judged as a crazy person.

Just because you have suicidal thoughts doesn't mean your crazy. Take it from me.

Tell your friend.

"Hey bestie, I think about suicide a lot. What can I do?"

They may not have the answer because they never been hit with such an honest and true question that has major consequences.

They may not know where to get help because, much like the general population, they do not know the answer. That is why we need to talk more about suicide and take it serious.

I have chronic suicidal ideas. Will I ever act upon one of them? I hope not. That is why I speak about it. It is hard to speak of things that scare us the most. It is also hard to speak of things we do not understand. If you never had suicidal visions, you cannot begin to comprehend or believe what I think of when it comes to the topic.

You may have walked by me, or talked to me on the same day where I thought about hanging myself over an overpass on the highway. Does that make me crazy? Who are you to judge?

I have seen a quote. Treat everyone with kindness, because you have no idea what they are going through.

I am trying this daily.

So, what does this have to do with the title of this Blog?

I have slept for 24 hours. Prior to that, I was awake for 40 hours. This is what happened, well what I did.

I left a friends house in Halifax after supper late Sunday night. As I drove back to East Hants, I fought with the urge to gamble. I tried calling a help line. It didn't work. I didn't call my parents. I didn't call anyone. Consequently, I gave in to the urge.

But prior to the urge to gamble, I had the feeling of worthlessness and didn't like it. Thoughts of suicide crossed my mind. I knew I was in for a long night, regardless of what I would do. I had planned of going to the hospital, but before that, I had to try to make myself feel good. That is when I went to gamble.

As stated before, I have an addiction. It is bad. I would go to the ABM, say to myself out loud, "T.J., you know this is not right."

A different voice inside of me would say, "Who cares? Better than suicide thoughts."

What a way to cope. I know I am doing something wrong, but I cannot stop. I didn't look up the definition of 'addiction', but I am assuming that is very close to what I would find.

So, after 6-7 hours of straight gambling, I ran out of money. The next step was the hospital. Again, I already planned on going. I was already convinced by being by myself, I wasn't safe. I was right.

At 6:00 a.m., I admitted myself to outpatients in Truro. I was hoping to be admitted to the Psych Unit.

After an 8 hour wait to see someone that wanted to talk to me regarding my mental illness, I was hoping to be put under the watchful eye of professionals. I wasn't.

At first, this bothered me. But after talking to someone from the Mental Health Crisis team and another Psychiatrist, I learned something new about myself. I didn't think it was possible to add to my problems.

I was wrong.

Borderline Personality Disorder, AKA (BPD) is a serious mental disorder marked by a pattern of ongoing instability in moods, behaviour, self-imaging, and functioning, according to the website for National Institute of Mental Health. (https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml)

This is new to me. Well, new to my knowledge of it.

My gambling is impulsive. The way I view myself is negative. The chronic suicide thoughts are real. The feelings of emptiness are always at me. I have a few of the symptoms.

Almost a year to the exact date of being diagnosed with severe/major Depression, a Mental Health Professional tells me I may have BPD.

Who am I to disagree?

She asked the questions. I gave her the answers. She made a decision/diagnosis on the information.

She made a great point that I never thought of before.

She asked if I drink alcohol or abuse any drugs. I said no, I never used drugs and I quit drinking in April.

She then asked if my gambling increased around that date? I replied, "Maybe".

She said since I used binge drinking to cope before, after I stopped drinking I needed something to take its place to cope. Enter, the excessive gambling.

I guess that's why she is a doctor and I am not. Smart lady.

I needed a replacement for the alcohol. She pointed out that the gambling was now the main way for me to cope. The impulsive behaviour with gambling fits me perfectly.

Finding out that I have a disorder could have been stressful for me. It wasn't. Honestly, it made more sense to me why I am what I am or do the things that I do.

I am finding out more about myself. That is critical for me going forward in life. It is critical for my Mental Health.

I put on a disappearing act the last 36 hours, and I apologize for that. Not many, if any, knew where I was.

I didn't want to be found. That is selfish and I know that. Lucky for me, I have great friends and parents. I am grateful to have you people in my life. I may not express it well, but it means so much to me to know that you're there for me.

Finding out something new can be devastating for me, even when it is negative. But how I perceive it is, that it is important information that I need to continue to fight. It is easier to to battle your enemies if you know more about them. It's what I tell my hockey players when I do a video session. Whether it is positive or negative, this gives us information about the opponent. Understanding them will only make us better as a result. I want to inspire the uninspired.

But, as I have found out this past year, nothing for me will be easy.

This new information is hard.

But I am harder. I am stronger. Fighting is what I do, so I will fight this too.

"Every negative- pressure, challenges- is all an opportunity for me to rise."
                                                    - Kobe Bryant

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith