Forgive, Gratitude, and Help

Personally, it is my newfound knowledge and belief that I have a second chance at life. I do not believe it was given to me. Rather, I worked hard to get the opportunity. I went through years of silent pain. Cries that went unheard. Tears that filled my eyes. A monster inside trying to release misery. Years and years of internal torture. So, no, I wasn't given a second chance. I feel I earned a second chance at life.

I finally had the courage to get help and speak freely about my struggles. Have you ever suppressed figurative demons for over ten years? Develop and sustain terrible and regrettable behaviours? Fall into a mess of addictions and debt? Form awful habits that altered your life?

I am not bragging, but I been through a whole whack of things, therefore, I earned my second chance at life. Most of, if not, all of my problems were self-induced. But the stem of my issues began with with my mental illness that I hid. That is no lie.

Henceforth, I want to lead and live a better life. It has been a year since I asked for help to save my life and to change my life. It has been, and is a difficult and long journey. How am I still alive? Well, I refuse to quit. Now I get my second chance.

First of all, I am forever grateful that I get a second chance to live my life. Not just the physical meaning of being alive, but to actually live it. Some people are not so lucky. I will not waste my opportunity.

Three words helped save me; Hope. Inspiration. Strength.

I have found three more words that will allow me to live my life.

Forgive. Gratitude. Help.

I am unsure what word is the most imperative today or what word holds more weight. I only know they have given me a new way to look at life. And 'life' is the keyword.

Why?

Simple.

Forgiveness, gratitude, and help can and will never be taken from me. Eventually, my life will be. But only when the time is right. And right now, I am not really to go. Not even close.

Dictionary.com describes the word 'forgive' as 'to cease to feel resentment against'.

Why does it matter?

It matters because I believe it is a word used loosely by people. I think it is important to know the meaning of a word. Especially a word that I plan on using often and with a purpose.

Late April, right up to mid August or so, I was filled with bitterness, disappointment, and resentment. I lost my dream job in late April. It impacted all aspects of my life.

I was seeing a girl who I was developing serious feelings for. I may have fell in love. I just began my path to being sober. I was getting counselling and treatments with medical personnel.  I had accepted the fact that my son was in another town three hours away and his mother and I were going to make it work.  I wasn't gambling very much. Things seemed to be on the right road, for the first time in a long time. Maybe ever.

It, in my mind, all came to a sudden halt, thus, I went off the road again.

Losing my job made me sour. I guess that is a natural feeling. The timing of it probably done the most damage.

But what's the point of holding a grudge? In hindsight, a decision was made for the better of the organization. I understand that. I am an university educated man. I am fully capable of understanding.

I learned something from that life experience. Life is truly too short to hold grudges or be mad with someone or something.

I am not a religious man, but somewhere in the Bible, forgiveness is mention. I believe Jesus forgives the disciple that betrayed him. The disciple that lead Jesus to his death. That is not an exact quote.

There are even stories when a victim's family of a murder forgives the murderer.

Why hold on to the negativity that comes with anger or madness or jealousy? What positive effect does that have on your life?

For most, well, all of my life until the last year, I had no need or no understanding of the word forgive. The antipathy I had towards others didn't fill a hole inside of me. It added to the darkness that was already within that I was living with. So, one day I asked myself a question. Well, two.

"Why be bitter or resentful with someone? Is it worth it in the end?"

It is unneeded in my life. Truthfully, it is unneeded in everyone's life. How can one find happiness if they hang on to some hostility or hatred? You can't. You might not agree with someone or have a difference of opinion, but instead of arguing or fighting, you can respect each other's opinion/point of view and leave it at that. It is like politics. Not to get too deep in the government, but instead of opposing each other or trying to find destructive facts about the opposition, why can't we work together as one whole entity to find a solution? Maybe I am foolish.

As an alternative, people should stop looking for the bad in others and start looking for the good. Look for the good in others, but also in yourself. The latter is the hardest for me.

I am not suggesting to forget. If you forget, you may make the same mistake again. Only fools do that. Forget? Maybe not. Forgive? Absolutely. I don't expect me to say, "I forgive you. No one has done me wrong, in my opinion" But I do seek it from forgiveness from a lot of people.

None of it is possible unless you can understand and begin to use forgiveness in your life. It may not make you the perfect person, but it will make you a better person. It is the strength of a being that can find the courage to forgive their enemy. I do not have any enemies.

Dictionary.com says 'gratitude' is the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful.'

How many times do I say 'thank you' per day?

More than ever before.

I do not take anything for granted. I feel the need to express my gratitude, even if it is for the littlest things. I might try that tomorrow. That is, count how many times I say the words or express my thankfulness.

A huge part of my recovery has been to realize how many things, people, etc. I have in my life to be grateful for. That list has a beginning, but I do not have an ending yet. I do not think I ever will. To combat depression, there has to be a lot of changes in my life. It is not an overnight fix. A few prescribed pills don't change it all for me. My ECT treatments don't cure me completely. Serious changes in my life is what I credit most of my recovery to. I had loads of help and support along the way, but at the end of the day, T.J. Smith decided to make a commitment to getting better.

He's the guy that refused to turn the key and start the ignition to kill himself just over a year ago. He's the guy the decided to go to the hospital, risking his livelihood and everything else in his life. He's the guy that chose to speak-out about his illness to raise awareness and to let others know, yeah, I have a problem, but I am going to fight it. He's the guy that realizes he needs to change his morals and values.

I was never grateful for anything. I remember my mother saying that to me as a kid. I didn't understand nor care when she said that. This is how fucking lost I was; I was the Valedictorian of my high school class and in the last year, I had to look up the meaning to the word 'gratitude', along with many other words. That's saddening.

Thankfully, I earned a second chance. It may have taken me 30 years to understand the definition of the word, but better late than never. Or better late than being dead. Learning to be grateful has been life-changing but more importantly, life-improving. That's all I can ask for, to better myself each day in a positive way. Learning to be grateful and to express my gratitude has made me a better person.

"Help" is not a word I think I need to look up.

First off, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of courage and faith. You think I enjoyed calling my parents at 3:00 a.m. three weeks ago crying as I drove the Trans-Canada highway telling them between gasp for air that I have an addiction and I cannot stop? That I don't know what to do? That I have let them down? That I am a terrible father and I am better off dead?

That's not easy to do.

I hit my breaking point, much like last year when I admitted myself to a Psychiatric Unit. Asking for help, at the time, seemed like the most challenging thing in life. Sometimes it is hard to do, but it should never be that way.

Perception of the word makes us look vulnerable. Society, whatever that is, makes us believe we should do everything on our own. That's false advertising. Society doesn't know what is best for me. That's up to me.

I say this with no shame and do not care about judgement, but I need help. Without help, my friends and family would be remembering the date of my death this winter. Instead, I demonstrated that asking for help to save my life is a true testament of my inner strength. As individuals, we somehow feel compel to tackle our problems by ourselves. Maybe it is just me, but somewhere along the line, I forgot to ask for help on a consistent basis.

In my battle and continuous recovery, I have understand how important it is for me to help others. It's like a chain letter. Someone helps me. I, in turn help someone else. They may help someone else. That's what it is like to be a good person. Truly, I have no idea how many people I have helped by advocating for mental health.

It is almost a year to the day that I publicly spoke about having an illness. I am grateful that I did it. Not only was it necessary for me to do it for my health, but the impact it has had on others is astounding. I have a gift. It's the gift to help others and help them see the light in themselves. I do it naturally now. I was at a workout class yesterday, and I caught myself trying to encourage my friend as we were working out in the class together. I hope my gift is contagious.

I never used to put people before me, ever. I was a selfish. I was consumed with the what was wrong with me and silently fighting it. It was a defense mechanism. A terrible coping strategy.

That has all changed in the last year. I am learning new ways to live a better, happier life. My advice is meant to inspire others to keep battling. Whatever you may be going through, I am telling you, you're not a alone. Life is a gift. Don't waste it on fighting something that is conquerable by yourself.

Life is great. There will be awful moments. It will test your strength. You must never lose hope. Being a fighter is inspiring. 

Love.

No need to hold the hate in. Forgiveness releases that negative feeling. Be grateful for everything in your life, no matter how small or big. Also, express your gratitude to others, it will better theirs and your lives. Lastly, never ever be ashamed to ask for help. Someone will always be there to lend a hand. reach out and take it. It will change and improve your life. Trust me.

I guess I know what the next three words are going to be tattooed onto my body.

"It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody."
                                                              -Maya Angelou

"Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings."
                                                              -William Arthur Ward

"Heroes represent the best of ourselves, respecting that we are human beings. A hero can be anyone from Gandhi to your classroom teacher, anyone who can show courage when faced with a problem. A hero is someone who is willing to help others in his or her best capacity."
                                                              - Ricky Martin

Yours Truly, 

T.J. Smith