It's the first time in awhile that tears came down my cheeks. I am hurting tonight. I cannot get it together. This mental pain is exhausting. I can't get one thought straight.
I haven't felt this way in a long time. It's impossible for me to have a positive thought. Call me crazy. Maybe I am. This is difficult. Real difficult.
All I can do is imagine not being alive. It's either I fight and live, or quit and die. One option is hard. One option is easy. Right now, easy seems so simple to me.
I am not good enough for this life. I don't need to live.
I have people concerned. That is not my intention. I feel guilty. The power of this illness is unpredictable. I have to play the cards I am dealt. Tonight, I do not like the dealer. I do not like the cards. Maybe it is time to fold'em.
I can't run. I can't hide. I have to take this beating. It is a helpless feeling. I feel like I cannot help myself. I feel like no one can help me.
This is the part of Depression that I cannot understand. How the hell can I explain it to someone else?
I can't see the hope. I don't know what the inspiration is. I don't have the strength.
My thoughts are so jagged and twisted, they would make barbed wire look like a shoe lace. The thoughts are self-destroying. If I had any motivation or push, it would be over.
If I cannot fight and win, how am I suppose to help others? What kind of role model would I be if I quit? I would be a hypocrite.
There's no telling what inning I am in. Some days I feel and think I have this somewhat in control. Then a night like this hits me from out of the blue. How much more can I take?
I drove down the highway tonight. I had thoughts of closing my eyes when there was no traffic coming and see what the outcome would be. Should I be sharing this info? I don't give a shit. Any lies I tell plays right into the stigma behind mental health and mental illness. Yes, I indeed have dangerous self-harming thoughts. No, I am not crazy, but what do I know?
I am definitely knocked off my feet tonight. Lonely. Guilty. Troublesome. Useless. Worthless. Sad. Confused. Just some words I would use to describe my current thoughts and feelings.
I may have to accept this night as a loss. I have medication that can end this night. but I am not overly interested. The demons seem to have some good ideas tonight. I may indulge and give in to temptation.
I woke up next to someone this morning. I got to go see my son play hockey and coach his hockey. Then I got to coach my own team. Sounds like a great day. And it was until there was the unexpected knock at my inner door. The sleeping giant was awaken. More like the sleeping Demon.
You can't comprehend the frustration level. I can have a full day of positive things, and then with a snap of the fingers, I think long and hard about killing myself.
Mentally, I am drained. Physically, I am gassed. Emotionally, I am all over the place.
Depressed and confused. Sad and lonely. Useless and worthless.
I feel numb. I want to feel something. Numb is not good.
Do I understand Depression? No. I live it. Somehow, I am still alive.
I told someone the other day that you cannot teach or practice resiliency. Perhaps it is time to take my own advice. I have had Depression for years and by some minor miracle I am still alive. I graduated from university with a degree. I helped produce a child. I have got to coach hockey for the last six years. No idea how I am alive.
"Some days, 24 hours is too much to stay put in, so I take the day hour by hour, moment by moment. I break the task, the challenge, the fear into small, bite-size pieces. I can handle a piece of fear, depression, anger, pain, sadness, loneliness, illness. I actually put my hands up to my face, one next to each eye, like blinders on a horse."
- Regina Brett
PS: If I was to commit suicide, I would not post it on Facebook or any social media. No one know. No one would see it coming. Not even myself. It would done and over with.
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
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