Knowing and Not Knowing - October 26, 2016

Do you know what I know?

I know the mind can create stunningly dark and dangerous thoughts

I know the heart can be so empty and hollow, that you don't show emotions for anything.

I know I am sick and it is not fun.

I know a lot of people with Mental Illness.

I know the past stresses me and the future worries me to the point where I cannot enjoy the present.

I know for me, it isn't always easy to get through the days

I know I almost killed myself.

I know I have had problems with alcohol and gambling. 

I know my Employment Insurance runs out and January and it scares me.

I know I am imperfect.

I know I talk a lot.

I know I am a mystery.

I know I have mental scars.

I know I have emotional wounds.

I know most days I think about death.

I know I was disrespectful to women.

I know I am in a lot of debt with a lot of companies.

I know 2016 has been the toughest year of my life, and maybe the worst.

I know a lot of people don't understand Mental Illness.

I know pain.

I know I was broken.

I know I needed help.

I know what hell looks like.

I know the demons that live there.

I know by saying that, people assume I am crazy.

I know I am not better yet.

I know I may never get 'better'.

I know I am not the only one.

I know how to cry.

I know the thoughts do not exit through tears.

I know people who want to kill themselves.

I know that nights can be endless.

I know the dark.....

And the dark sometimes owns me.


But I also know some other things

I know I have great friends.

I know I have an amazing sister.

I know I have tremendous parents.

I know I have a wonderful family.

I know my son loves me unconditionally.

I know he makes me smile and I make him smile.

I know there are people that can help me.

I know Mental Illness is not to be taken lightly.

I know people who suffer in silence.

I know there is a such thing as hope.

I know I am smart and educated.

I know strength.

I know resiliency.

I know how to cook.

I know addiction.

I know I love coaching.

I know I like writing.

I know I enjoy sports.

I know respect.

I know how to fight.

I know how to accept.

I know how to cry.


I also don't know things

I don't know where this illness came from.

I don't know if I will ever get better.

I don't know if I will not kill myself.

I don't know if I have seen the worst.

I don't know if I will ever get married.

I don't know if anyone will ever love me.

I don't know if I will ever get a job.

I don't know if speaking openly will prevent me from employment.

I don't know how to sing.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring.

I don't know if I will die alone.

I don't know if I can keep going some nights.


I also hope for some things

I hope I can keep going.

I hope I can grow old.

I hope I can love.

I hope I can have more kids.

I hope I can be a great dad for Nash.

I hope I can find a job.

I hope I can repay my parents someday.

I hope I am grateful.

I hope I am helping others.

I hope I can continue to find the strength.

I hope to get better.

I hope to inspire.

I hope someday the stigma is gone.

I hope people are true to themselves.

I hope to support others.

I hope to save people's lives.

I am...

Lost but winning

Hurt but strong

Alone but supported

Fallen but rising

Suffering but fighting

Beaten but recovering

Not dead but reborn

Down but not out

"Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings."
                                                     - Elie Wiesel

Yours Truly, 

T.J. Smith