Change is vital to me and my battle. Without it, I would be
losing or worse, dead. Continuing down the path I was on would have brought me
to my demise. Something had to be done. The past ten months have been the
wildest and most dynamic part of my life. A lot has changed. A lot had to
change. And I am still changing.
I do not fear change. Many people do. Accustomed to their
ways or rituals or routine. That`s fine. There is nothing wrong with it at all.
My life had to change. My habits had to change. My behaviour had to change. My
attitude had to change. Almost everything had to change. Change saved my life.
I am not 100% sure where I should start on the things I
changed, so I am going to start at the very top.
My thoughts and feelings.
Can I change the depressive thoughts or negative feelings
that I encounter daily? No. I cannot and I know that now. What I am trying to
change is how I deal with that. I may never be able to get rid of the
Depression completely. So, what do I do? I have to develop a method to live
with the illness.
I am beginning to meditate. It is amazing how much ten
minutes can make a difference in your day. There is a saying I came across
once, it went something like this; “if you can’t find twenty minutes to
yourself to meditate, you need to find an hour.” I understand that. Anyways, in
my meditation today, the narrator used an unbelievably simple analogy. We
cannot halt our thoughts and we cannot neglect our feelings. They are coming,
whether we like them or not. He referenced our thoughts and feelings as if it
was traffic on the highway and we sat on the side of the road. It’s a highway
so there will be vehicles. The vehicles are passing by. Different sizes.
Different speeds. All different. It is when we try to stop those vehicles or
chase them is when we get in trouble. If we stepped onto the middle of the
highway, are we going to stop a car going 100 KMH? Not a chance. We would get
ran over and hurt badly. Or imagine chasing a truck down the highway. If you
were lucky enough to catch it, you would be completely exhausted from the
chase. Therefore, chasing our thoughts and feelings can leave us exhausted and
hurt, amongst other things.
So what can we do?
I know personally, I am having these up and down thoughts. I
am trying to begin to be an onlooker from the side of the road. So, once a
truck passes by, I acknowledge that truck (or thought), wave to it, accept it,
and let it pass on by. I will still be there waiting for the next one. Like a
highway, there are times when our minds are busier than others. There are good
weather days and there are bad weather days. Some days there are very nice cars
that pass and sometimes there is the same old rusty, beat up truck you saw
yesterday. Sometimes there are new cars. Sometimes there are accidents we can't control. There are small cars and big transport
trucks. They are carrying someone or something different. For me, the big
transport trucks filled with Depression attract me. I am a sucker for them.
Always trying to catch up and see what is it them. When I get there, I am
disappointed.
At night, all we can see are the lights in the distance. Not
entirely sure what kind of vehicle is approaching do to the darkness. In the
fog, some vehicles forget to put their fog lights on and are on top of you
before you know it. It gets slippery in the rain and snow, but most vehicles
slow down then. I am trying to not chase the traffic or jump out to stop it.
That will kill me. More ways than one
To sum it up, I am treating my thoughts and feelings as the
traffic on the highway and teaching myself to be on the side of the road
letting they all pass. No need to chase anything. No need to stop them. They
are coming anyways, so I will accept that and let them pass by.
I am also trying to change my attitude. Thus far, I think it
has been pretty sound during my fight. I truly believe attitude is one element
of our lives we can control. Whether you’re battling cancer, approaching 100
years of age, have a sick child, jobless, trouble finding a partner, or
financial issues, you decide the attitude you have towards life. There will be
challenges in life. You can complain and complain about things, but it is up to
you to do something about it. I have changed my attitude towards life as a
whole. I am trying to be more mindful and appreciate each moment. I even catch
myself telling myself to slow down at times. I am learning. I will get there.
Negative thinking breathes negative results. If you believe
you are going to give up and quit, guess what you’re probably going to do? This
past Saturday, I was very close to acting upon my negative thoughts. It was a
tough night filled with cruel thoughts and unearthly feelings. But I learned
through my newfound meditation method that I have to treat it like a highway.
I won’t leave you to imagine or guess what I mean. I will
tell you from my own example.
So, one of the thoughts I had Saturday been to
drive to Halifax and jump off the MacKay Bridge. For those that do not know,
that is the bridge over Halifax harbour that connects Halifax to Dartmouth. But
with that idea, it led me to feelings and other thoughts. First, of course, was
my son. The first image/thought was him being a teenager about to graduate from
high school. I saw his graduation ceremony. His mother and his step-father were
there. I was not. It made me cry. The second thought was my parents at my
funeral service. I am not trying to make this a sad story, rather share that
these are the thoughts, not actions; I dealt with the other night. Third, I
thought about the kids I am currently coaching. I get it. When I am dead, life
will carry on. People will mourn. No big deal.
That’s what I deal with on my bad nights. The traffic of
thoughts and feelings tell me, rather, lie to me. I am forever growing and
developing. I feel I learned a new way to cope with those thoughts and
feelings. Just like the cars on the highway, I know they are coming; I just
need to accept it and let them drive right on by. No need to interrupt or fight
it. I can’t stop them. Too big and powerful. They may be too dark or fast, as
well. But I am beginning to learn that is OK. It is OK to have negative
thoughts or feelings. How we handle them is the difference between living and
dying.
So if you are reading this and you have recently had bad
thoughts, I am telling you that it is OK. It may take awhile to understand
that, I know that as well. Don’t fight the negativity. That's a tough fight to win.
Rather, accept the feelings and thoughts, whether they are bad or good.
Acknowledge them and be aware that you have negative thoughts or feelings. It
is just like when people fall in love. Love is a great, emotional feeling.
Should we fight it? Never. If something made you feel happy, would you look to
fight that feeling? No, you welcome that feeling and how it makes you feel. It
is OK to think and feel- whether it is positive or negative. The biggest
challenge is to accept the bad with the good. It is the difficult thoughts or
heartbreaking feelings that will build-up your character, your resiliency, and
your strength. I will never give up and I will never let you give up. We are in
this together and I am standing by you the whole way.
Saturday I wanted to give up.
Today I found a new way to find hope.
I didn’t quit.
Neither will you.
"If there is no struggle, there is no progress."
- Frederick Douglass
Yours Truly,
T. J. Smith
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