The Alcohol Effect

Drinking for me was a way to somewhat quiet the voices. A way to hush the demons inside. Make me someone I am not. Making me bearable to be around. Something to ease the pain of reality. As I tried to silence the demons within, I would become a monster myself. I hated myself, but the mask of alcohol covered it up.

The culture I grew up in made drinking alcohol underage acceptable. I didn’t really begin to drink until I was about seventeen. That was considered late compared to my peers. I don’t think I was ever pressured to drink. I had done it on my own accord. No one to blame but myself.

I didn’t really like it too much in my early years. It was when I got away from home that I seemed to enjoy it more. Sorry, enjoy is not the right word. Abuse is. When I drank, I drank to pretty much black out. Many nights I didn’t remember because I got so blitzed. I can’t sit down and have one beer or one glass of wine. I need the whole case or bottle. Drinking for me was to get drunk, first and foremost. Hopefully, having a good time was the result. I reflect now. How many good nights did I have or create from my drinking? I don’t remember too many. Actually, I don’t remember any.

I knew I had a Mental Illness and that drinking probably didn’t help it. Well, I felt it help me. I could be someone other than myself, other than T.J., the guy that has Depression. If I would talk to a girl drunk and said something stupid, guess what, I was drunk and that is my excuse. I couldn’t remember. Or if I was being a meathead to some innocent person, I was drunk. I don’t remember. That’s not me.

There have been many mornings or afternoons I wake up and have the people that I was drinking with the night before tell me how stupid I was. I had no argument. I was drawing a blank. I drank to get foolish. I drank to hide my illness. I drank to quiet the voices. I drank to kill the pain. They are not excuses to as why I drank. They are the reasons. I hated myself. Drinking, if I was lucky, would make or seem to make me somewhat happy. It was all an act. I had everyone fooled. Everyone but myself.

The next days’ AKA, hangovers, were the worst for me. Shame from being a dummy. My body telling me I put too much alcohol in it last night. Everything was terrible. The Depression would heighten during my hangovers, but it was also hidden by the hangovers. Quite the paradox, indeed.

It’s bad when you look at your girlfriends you had and said you can’t drink with them because you don’t enjoy it. That was me. And not just one girlfriend. Two of them. I would say, “I can’t drink with you. We don’t get along when we drink.” Looking back now, the common denominator was me, not them. I was not enjoyable. I knew it. But for some unknown reason, I couldn’t stop myself. Maybe I had become accustomed to being a dink while I was drunk. No answers again.

I thought I could handle the drinking as I was admitting to my Depression. I went on a three day bender in early April. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. Lesson learned. I ended back in the hospital. I learned the hard way I am not Superman. I relapsed hard. Maybe it was necessary because if I thought I could continue to drink, I would have ended up doing more damage to myself.

I am proud to say now that I have quit drinking. I have been drink free since April 11, 2016. Believe it or not, I have. It is a big step for me. A hard step. But a necessary step for me to improve my health. I am doing better. I saw a quote recently. It stated that people do not need alcohol or drugs to be happy. I would have argued that before. But in my maturity and growth, I have found new wisdom. Personally, I do not need alcohol to be happy. I have never done hard drugs, so I am not going to start. Will I be drink free the rest of my life? No idea. But I am on the right path to not have any.

My thoughts are clearer. I have more control over my mind. I realize I don’t need alcohol to hide my Depression. I have also come to a conclusion that my Depression does not define me as a person. My Depression is a part of me. It is not me. I am not an illness. I am a person. It is time for people to recognize that. I have recognized it and accepted it. It’s time for other people to do so as well so we can end the stigma.

The stigma begins with each and everyone one of us. As individuals, we tend to keep our opinions to ourselves in fear of public criticism. Well, we are the public. The only people that can change that are ourselves. Each and every one of us. I will admit I made some terrible mistakes when I drank to hide my illness. Hell, it was a mistake to hide my illness with booze. It was a mistake to abuse the liquor. But as I said before, I am not my past mistakes. I apologize to anyone I may have offended or said something stupid too. That’s not the real me. That is a poor excuse for a human being. I am embarrassed of drunk T.J.. He has scorned my reputation. I am better than that. I know this now.

I guess the point of this entry today is to express my sincerity of the subject and to let people know that abusing alcohol is not the way to cope. If you happen to read this and things are sounding all too familiar, it may be time to reach out to someone for help. I didn’t clue in that I was suffering from Depression until I saw a Documentary on TV several years ago. I quietly suffered on my own and let the alcohol change me as a person. I am not looking for sympathy or forgiveness. I am sharing my story so I can help someone else. To let someone reading this know it is OK to speak out about your alcohol abuse if you are trying to cover up bigger problems. It’s not easy to speak out about it, but continuing to hide your illness will become more damaging to you as a person. It will slowly eat away at your soul. Decaying your humanity until there is nothing left, just the bones.

Find the strength to seek help. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Trust me when I say I thought I was done for just a few short months ago. I went to get help and now I feel the best I’ve ever felt. I won’t say it is a miracle, but it definitely is possible to get better. So what, I may be medicated to help me get through the day. If that’s what it takes, so be it. Life is worth living. I know that now!

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

                                                                                                - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith