I don’t hear the question a lot, but I am asked more
frequently now. “What is Depression?”
Simple question. Extremely complex answer. Some people believe it is a chemical
imbalance in my head. Some people think I am sad. Some people think it is a mood.
Some think I am just down, going through a rough patch. I wish that’s all it
was- a rough patch.
I have read a lot about it, and I don’t have a clear
cut answer. What I do know is this; it is an illness, like cancer or diabetes.
But majority of society is uneducated about Mental Health and Mental Illnesses.
People have no problem sharing the fact that they have cancer or diabetes. Why
are Mental Illnesses so different? Why do people avoid it? I think it is
because they do not know. I also think some people do not recognize it as an
illness. Just as a mood. It is not a mood. It is an illness.
I suffer from Depression. I have for many years. I
was silent and tried to fight the monster myself. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t
strong enough on my own. I needed my parents, my family, my friends, nurses,
doctors, and other professionals to fight this illness. There is no shame in
seeking help for something you are having trouble with. If you had cancer, you
would go get treatment. If you have diabetes, you would need insulin. Well, I
have Depression and I need medication daily and ECT Treatments. There is no
shame. Nothing to hide. I am not embarrassed. Nor am I supposed to be.
I have no idea if I will ever get rid of the
illness. Truth be told, I have felt great the last month. Possibly the best I
have ever felt in thirty years. No thoughts of self-harm. I have hope and joy.
I am not afraid of the world. I have energy and the right attitude to do
things. I am smiling more. It is amazing what the medication and ECT’s have
done to me. I feel like a new person. A better person. I am still working on
myself, but I am optimistic and excited to live. I am able to live with this
illness. So can you.
I like stats and numbers. One in five Canadians has
some sort of Mental Illness. I don’t know about you, but I encounter more than
five people per day. It could be someone in your family. Ask yourself this; if someone in your family, someone you love
is suffering in silence with an illness, what would you do to help that person?
Would you tell them to suck it up and stop being sad? That’s the worst thing to
say. There are internal nightmares people with Mental Illness go through and
the worst part about these nightmares, they tend not to end, just subside then
eventually come back to haunt us.
Fuck it. I will go deeper. I have brainstormed
several ways to kill myself. Someone that suffers knows what I mean. I would
lay awake, look at the ceiling, and instead of counting sheep, I would count
how many ways could I end my life. I would ponder who would care. Thoughts of
how much better life would be if I were gone. Nothing really triggered these thoughts.
I am a physically healthy thirty year old male. I don’t have an answer to why I
would think of that. I remember walking through hardware stores, pass by a
spool of rope, and calculate how much I need and how much it would cost me.
Then the conversation inside of me would begin; the demon arguing with the
monster on how to reach the afterlife. Does this make me crazy or insane? Not
one bit. The words “lunatic”, “insane”, and “crazy” do not define what or who I
am. The words “strength”, “perseverance”, and “inspiration” define me.
I didn’t decide to have Depression, but I made the
choice to seek help. Yes, it took many years and I lost a lot with delaying to
get help, but I did get help. That’s the bottom line. I was going to say “I
don’t think I would have got through 2016.” Actually, if I did not get help
when I did, I guarantee I would not have made it through 2016.
I think back. I knew I had something going on. It
took me a long time, a breaking point for me to seek help. I had no idea of the
services available to help someone with Mental Illness. They do not strap you
to a bed or put you in a straight-jacket. Movies and other sources of media
portray it differently. Depression affects more than the mind. It affects your
whole way of life. It’s life-threatening.
The biggest signs for me were hopelessness, terrible
sleep, fatigue, feeling of worthlessness, social withdrawal, trouble
concentrating, and at the peak, loss of appetite. I turned into a dreadful person.
No fun to be around. Always sour at life. My mood was never in my control. I
tried to turn it around. It never happened. You cannot fake happiness. I was
always forcing the smile. It never came natural. Sad, really. But it was no one’s
fault. No one to blame. Not even myself. It was like this mythical puppeteer
had the strings to my life. He was a heartless orchestrator that thrived on miserable
feelings. Depression is an illness, not a mood. Happy isn’t an illness, it is a
mood.
I am a lonely man at times. Just me, myself, and I.
Before seeking help, that would be a scary thought. Now, not so much. I don’t
know if I can change the world or save people’s lives, but I will try. I am
willing to do whatever I can in my power. I look forward to my next
conversation with someone who suffers from a Mental Illness. I want to hear
their story. I want to hear their feelings and thoughts. I want to make them
feel comfortable and understood. I want to help. I don’t know when the next
conversation will come. I don’t know if it will be with a friend or a stranger.
It doesn’t matter to me. I just want to help. I know I can do that.
“If
your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more,
you are a leader.”
-
John Quincy Adams
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
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