Cannot Think of an Appropriate Title- June 3, 2017

Why do I write? Am I an attention-seeker? Looking for someone to pity me?

None of the above.

I write to inspire and help others that battle with mental illnesses. I want to let them know that they are not alone and it is OK to have those struggles. I share my experiences (the good, the bad, and the ugly) with people and the public to show that if you have hope and want to get better, it is possible. It is not easy, but possible. So I write the following;

What matters in life are the things that do not cost money.

I am understanding this now. 'Now' is imperative to my life.

Why now? Because the dirt I walk on is not as poor as me. Financially speaking.

Materialistically, this is what I have and don't have;

1) I live with my sister and her boyfriend in their basement rent-free because they are caring, loving, and sympathetic human beings.

2) 31 years old and my parents still help me with money. I do not have a job. I couldn't even get an interview the last month or so.

3) I have a car. Well, it ain't mine. Number 1 and number 2 listed above are helping with that so I can drive to coach hockey and pick my kid up.

4) I have never lived by myself. What I mean is, all my life, I have lived with my family, or billets, or friends, or girlfriends. 31, and never had a place to call my own.

5) My sister, extended her line of credit to pay of my overdue bills and debt.

6) I can't really buy my son stuff. "Hey Daddy, Can I have a chocolate chip muffin?" Sorry Nash. I don't have any money. He lives with his mom, my ex, who just got engaged.

But non-materialistic things, in my mind, the important things in life, this is what I have;

1) The best sister any brother can ask for. I am forever in debt to her and her boyfriend and I am grateful that you are my sister. I love you.

2) I would be dead if it wasn't for my parents. Literally, there would have been a funeral already. 'Nuff said.

3) Two things that keep me motivated to live- Nash and hockey. I get to be apart of both because of my family and their support.

4) What is it like to live alone? Well, emotionally, I have been on my own forever. I made a goal the other day. I said it to myself. "T.J., by Christmas you will have your OWN place." I rise up to challenges.

5) I owe my sister, and many others money. Fortunate enough to have those people in my life. People who are there to help when I am at my weakest. When I have nothing left, they are there to extend their hand and say, "It's OK T.J. I got you." I am humbled to have met you people and have you in my life. My gratitude is ever-extending.

6) I was asked a couple times today, "How do you feel about your ex getting engaged?" I replied, "I am happy for her." Am I suppose to be jealous? I am not. On the contrary, I am super happy. Nash will now have a stepdad and someone else to love him. More love is a good thing.

7) I began a new business. I decided it's time to help others who suffer on a bigger stage. I am going to help someone I have yet to meet yet. I cannot wait to make a difference in their life.

8) I have pages and pages of my thoughts and feelings recorded. It's over 500 pages written over the last 18 months. I look around my room and see books people have given me (charity is just not money, I think I bought one of them). I see binders and binders of hockey stuff pertaining to coaching. If I am to guess, there are ten or so. I have clothes in my closet and socks in my drawers. I have a bed, which I did not buy. I honestly don't know where it came from. The TV I look at isn't mine. The bureau it rests on was also given to me. I have golf clubs, softball gear, and hockey equipment. I bought my softball glove. My hockey gear was all given to me at some point. Except my jock. That, I bought this year. Even the computer I type on was given and the computer bag I carry it in.

But most of all I have my life.

To recap; I have about $40.00 in my bank account. But that doesn't phase me. Not at all.

I have the important things in life that people struggle to realize is what really matters. When I die, I cannot take money with me. I can take the feelings and thoughts and laughs and tears and smiles and love I have experienced in my life. In no particular order I have and found the following;

1. Family.
2. Love for my family.
3. Great friends that care about me.
4. Sympathy and empathy.
5. Strength.
6. Compassion and understanding.
7. Hope.
8. Real tears.
9. The ability to make my son smile and hug me.
10. Appreciate hard, honest work.
11. Resilience.
12. Acceptance of my thoughts and feelings.
13. Forgiveness.
14. Inspiration.
15. Happiness.

I am glad I don't have money or material things. Without them, I wouldn't have found the better things in life. Things that make me rich in ways money could not. This was important to fight my depression. Depression comes in all kinds of forms. External and internal factors influence the illness. I learned to handle the controllable factors and focus on my attitude towards the non-controllable factors to manage my illness.

Everyday, I learn something new. Whether it is a bad day or good day, I take personal teaching points from it. That is how I improve as a person. I want to get better everyday, so I decide that I will.

For example, some days or nights I may have some struggling hours. I don't tell people as much as I used too. I challenge myself. I say;

"OK T.J., we have been here before. You know this pain. You know this feeling. You know the thoughts that come with it. So, here we go, again"

I then reply, in a guided, softer voice.

"You can handle this. You know why? You're still alive. You have experienced these battles before. These demons got nothing on you. Maybe, in the past, when you didn't have your attitude, character, and resilience built up, they may have harmed you. But now, you're a fucking warrior. Just because there are tears, you are not soft or weak. You are strong and true. The tears validate your ability to handle whatever comes at you.You take the blows and hits, but you keep getting back up. You can handle this. You got this."

That's all there is to it. I want to live, so therefore I must fight. Desperately and with urgency, I battle to stay alive.

I will encourage and motivate others to do the same because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how big your bank account or house is. It is up to you if you want to fight, regardless of where you are in life. We come into this world with nothing. Just the air in our lungs, our beating heart, and thinking mind. When we leave this world, we have no more air, no more beats, and no more thinking.

Life is a gift, they say. You really don't work for a gift. It is just given to you. So, I will disagree, to a certain extent that life is not a gift, but an honour. You must fight for your honour. You must work hard. You must fight and never give up.

I have surprised myself because I didn't quit.

I hope you don't quit, because you can fight this.

It's difficult, but doable.

Accept it for what it is and be ready to battle. People will be there to help you, but first you have to take ownership of your destiny.

It's worth it. Please, trust me.

#iamhereforyou

"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path."
                                                                                                    - Buddha

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith