Societal Perception of Me or My Illness? - September 18, 2017

I tell myself that I do not care what other people think of me. At the end of the day, I do believe this. Maybe not always, but I do now. It helps me live each day.

That being said, my mind does wander from time to time. A general question arises for me; “But what do people actually think of you?”

I mean, when they look at me, is their first judgmental thought, “Hey, there is T.J., that guy with depression and speaks about it?”

Or is it, “Hey, there is T.J., the father, business owner, and hockey coach?”

Or is it, “Hey, there is T.J., you know that guy with depression and is crazy?”

Personally, it doesn’t bother me, but it has my curiosity. I know people are ignorant. They form their opinions and make their judgments. But I could care less. I am curious because I am interested in what makes them have these thoughts and believe these thoughts that they have no clue about. I mean, before they ever speak to me or meet me, do they already have their mind made up of who I am as a person because of my mental illness?

Wayne Dyer said it best, “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.”

It can be viewed that I took a huge risk speaking openly about mental illness. From my end, I didn’t calculate all of the possible societal backlashes. I didn't calculate the possible risks because I didn't care and believed that it didn't matter, that me sharing my story would only help others.

First example

Posting something on Facebook or social media can and will be seen by potential employers. So, if I applied for a job, before the recruiter or HR Manager even calls me, they could do a quick search on my social media and see that this guy ‘has’ depression. I think I applied for about 20 jobs in early spring. Not one phone call or email. I have the qualifications. I have the education. I have most of the experience. Perhaps, I just didn’t have the ‘proper mental health?”

Not saying this is the case. It's thought-provoking. 

I will not put everyone in the same group, but I do believe some people out there would see that as a red flag.

“We cannot hire someone who almost killed himself. That doesn’t look good on the company. Or maybe, “he will miss a lot of work due to his sickness. Maybe he cannot handle the stress of working here and his mental health could get worse.”

Few, if any, will admit this reality. I mean, companies cannot afford to let something like this get out to the public or media.

So, in many ways, I could be the most qualified applicant, but due to ‘an illness’, people and companies may want to avoid me. They do not want to deal with the ‘risks’ that come with someone with depression, and not just mild depression, but full-blown, ‘he cannot come back from it’ major depression. Stigma is attached to all of this in the workplace.

But are they avoiding me or my illness?

The answer to that question is, they are avoiding my illness, but it is the wrong answer. I rather the answer be they would be avoiding or rejecting me. I can comprehend that more.

But we cannot conduct surveys with HR Managers to ask them if they ever ‘not’ hired someone because of their mental health.

My last Record of Employment, where it says, “Reason for Issuing this ROE” simply has one word beneath it.

“Sickness”.

I have forgiven the situation, but it bothers me still to this day. I wish I could have done more.

Second Example

I have not had a drink of alcohol since April 12, 2017. I have a long-term goal of reaching November 12, 2017.

Prior to stopping, I wasn’t a drunk or an alcoholic. Just when I drank, I got messy and it effective me negatively and those around me. I don’t think I was ever physically abusive. I would use verbal attacks. Something I am not proud of.

Lately, I have been thinking about my alcohol stoppage. Not so much the stoppage, contrarily, the use of it again.

I don’t know if I have been having urges or maybe I want to test myself. I can’t understand why I am thinking about it, but the thoughts are there. I recognize the thoughts and deal with them accordingly.

I am all over the map with the thoughts too.

“What if I have a drink on November 13, 2017?” “Will the previous 18 months dry now be pointless and insignificant?”

“What will people think if they saw me drink, knowing that I made a commitment to not drink for so long?”

“I am 31 years old. I can make my own decisions.”

“What if I drink and cannot handle it again?” “But, what if I can?”

Every month I post on the 12^th day to recognize my new milestone of not drinking. I get praise from people. So, if I end my dry-spell, will people still send me messages of praise and tell me that they are proud of me? I am guessing no.

It could be seen as me letting people down or letting myself down. I don’t know.

Again, society-based questions. More curious than anything. Would people be worried about me? Well, there are many others than me that have depression and still drink alcohol. Are you worried about them? Possibly, someone may approach me and tell me that I shouldn’t be drinking. Their opinion will be noted and respected, but it doesn’t matter to my decision.

The last time I drank was a Sunday afternoon. I was with my best friend in a pub downtown Halifax watching a Toronto Blue Jays game. Sat next to us at the bar was the guitar player for the band Hedley. He gave me tickets to his show in Halifax the following night. We had a great time for an hour or two. We shared stories of our sons. His son’s name is Archer. Awesome name. I will never forget that.

Then the wheels came off.

Last time I drank, I believe my last thought I had before blacking out was, “I am going to jump off the bridge over Halifax harbor”.

Something along that nature I believe. The next day, I drove straight to the hospital in Yarmouth.

That's the last memory I have while drinking. It is something I have been open about. It is also the last impression I left on people. An impression that can be described in words.

"T.J. cannot drink because he will try to kill himself again."

I have come a long way since then with my illness and life. I believe I don’t drink because it is a safety protocol to have good mental health and to stay alive. Kind of like wearing my life-jacket on a cruise ship the whole time. Just in case.

Do I think I will have a drink again in my life?

Yes, I do.

When? Well, I don’t know. But I am sure there will be people thinking the worst. Maybe I can enjoy a drink like most others now. Before, when I drank, it was to drown the depression that I had no idea of how to handle.

I drank to cope, to turn into someone other than T.J. Maybe now I can have a drink to enjoy.

Maybe. But it won’t be any time soon.

These are just two prime examples I struggle with when it comes to my identity. I wonder if I am trying so hard to become a mental health advocate that people see my depression before they see me as a human.

Today, I woke up. Brushed my teeth. Got some gas and a coffee. Drove to the ferry terminal. Got on the ferry. Walked to my office. Said hello to a few strangers. Replied to a few emails.

Later today, I have to drive to Truro for hockey practice. I am playing hockey with some buddies later tonight. I mean, I am just a person living his life.

The difference is, I live it with a mental illness and any day can be difficult for me. But I am doing my very best to not let my illness define me or my life. You shouldn't let it define me either.

My illness can hinder all aspects of my life, but I am not letting it anymore. I have accepted that until my last breath, I will battle every day, like many others in this world that fight with their mental illness.

I am comfortable in my skin and who I am. I have grown so much over the last year or so. I am not the same person. I am trying to better myself every day. I am happy. I am doing whatever I can to live a meaningful life.

So, if someone looks at me and thinks, “There is T.J., the guy that talks so much about his mental illness and has depression.” So be it. I cannot control other people and their thoughts.

The stereotypes and stigma will be associated with mental illness until people become more educated on the illness and more is being done for the people that have a mental illness.

I know who I am and what I value in this life. I have a great understanding on my life. Better than ever before. 

There is only one person’s opinion I care about, and when he looks at me, he doesn’t see my mental illness. He sees someone different. He sees unconditional love. He sees a smile.

He sees his daddy.

"Most rules that you think are written in stone are just societal. You can change the game and really reach for the stars and make the world a better place."

                                                                      -Sebastian Thrun

Yours Truly, 

T.J. Smith