Most of my journal entries are dark, negative, and
full of sadness. Much like the illness of Depression. People seem to like
reading them, so I am told. I guess seeing the inside of a guy’s mind that
suffers from Depression is an intriguing story. Well, this is not one of those
stories. Instead of darkness, this is a story of the light. There is no
negativity, just positivity. No sadness or anger. Just happiness and joy.
It’s unbelievable how good I feel. Knowing where I
was just a few weeks ago to where I am today is truly remarkable. Obviously I
get asked often, “How do you feel today?” My reply is concise and simple- “Great!”
I really do. I am not just saying it. I tell you if I was having a bad day.
I feel terrific and I was fired from my dream job
less than a week ago. I credit the ECT Treatments, medications, and the work of
the professionals at the Mental Health Unit at Yarmouth Regional Hospital. I
didn’t think feeling this good was possible, ever for me. Life has meaning and
purpose. Colours are bright and vibrant. Things matter now. Time has slowed
down. I speak more happily.
This is quite possible the best I’ve ever felt. This
will be an entry about hope, inspiration, and strength- three things outside of
the science and medical world that help get me to where I am today. People
would use those words with me early in my recovery. They didn’t hold a lot of
meaning to me. They do now. I live by those words.
Hope is something that really isn’t a thing. It’s a
state of mind. I didn’t believe in hope. I had lost all hope in my life and myself.
I was completely and utterly hopeless. I don’t have that feeling anymore. My
hope is seeing my son score his first goal in hockey. My hope is to help my son
with his homework. My hope is to fall in love with an amazing woman. My hope is
to grow old with that woman. I use to think hope was not real. I was wrong.
Hope is a very real element of life. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I
know that now. I am extremely hopeful about my life.
Inspiration was non-existent with me during my
Depression. Getting out of bed was a chore. I had trouble completing the
simplest of tasks. I didn’t want to do anything or see anyone. I avoided life. I
didn’t have the get up and go. Nothing mattered. I am now inspired each day.
Some days are not as good as others, but I am inspired. I am inspired to become
a better person than I was the day before. I am inspired to become a better
human being. I am inspired to live!
Strength is by far one of my greatest attributes. I
just didn’t decide to be strong one day out of the blue. It took many years to
develop my strength. The events I have endured over the past few months have
made me strong. I don’t know if I have regrets. I guess in some ways, we all
have regrets about something in our past. Something we wished we had a second
chance at. I do not view the regrets as negative things. I use all experiences,
good or bad, as learning skills to become stronger. I believe character is
developed and revealed during hardship and adversity. In the last six months I
have lost a girlfriend. With her, my son to a different community (we have a good,
working relationship now, but it is still hard not seeing Nash every day). I
have cried so hard and long to the point I could barely breathe. I looked my parents
in their eyes to tell them I wanted to kill myself. I was admitted into a
Psychiatric Unit on three different occasions, where I spent about a total of
eight weeks. Once I was discharged from the hospital the last time, I was fired
from my job by my father of all people. Adversity can be an enemy or foe. I got
stronger with each incident I endured. I did bend, but I did not break.
Mentally, I have been to hell and back several hundred times, but I am still here.
I get strength from friends, family, my son, my parents, from new people I
meet, and from strangers. After everything I have been through, I feel I can
handle anything that comes my way because of the support I have. Honestly, just
a few weeks ago I would have believed that to be impossible. Never going to
happen was my belief. That’s not the case. Right now, I am beating my
Depression because I am strong and I have help from others. I am a fighter and
I refuse to give up. Giving up is the easiest option. ‘Easy’ is not a characteristic of the strong. ‘Weak’ is not a word I know the meaning to. I was strong by
admitting to my illness and seeking help. Coming face to face with my problem,
my illness, that was strength. I am strong because I speak truthfully and
transparently about my experience with Depression. I am strong because I decide
to not give in and made a commitment to do whatever is necessary to not only stay alive, but to live my life to the fullest. I am strong because I openly
express my feelings. I do not conceal the tears anymore. I am strong because I
no longer fear this illness.
I truly do not know what tomorrow will bring. I have
no clue what will happen next week. Currently, I am jobless, I have no money,
and thousands of dollars in debt. I live in a very small basement apartment by
myself. I get to see my son about three or four days out of a two-week span. I
swallow about six pills daily. I love where I live, but don’t have too many
close friends. I love the town I am in, but have to leave. But you know what?
This is the best I have ever felt. I am happy. Go figure.
I am not sure what the score is, but I feel I am
finally winning. I don’t feel defeated. I am living proof that it is possible
to do the impossible- fight this illness. It took me many trials. Switching up
medications several times. Relapsing. Three visits to the hospital. Many, many
negative and self-harming thoughts. I am no longer damaged. I am beginning the restoration process of my life. It’s impossible to go lower that I have been. I
have been to the bottom of the pit. Getting out of this hole will not be an
easy process. I have begun the journey and for the first time in a long time, I
don’t feel I am on this journey alone. I know there is support from many facets
of my life. In fact, I am glad I spoke about my illness. There is no telling
what would have happened to me. I would have carried on with my miserable
existence and someone finding me dead at some point.
Here’s my advice based on my own experience; if you
feel you are suffering from a Mental Illness, please find the strength and
courage to speak about it. It may have physical signs, but it is an illness
that needs to be spoken about. Break the silence. Seek help. Don’t be ashamed
or scared of what people may think. Put it this way, if people in your life do
not understand or want to understand, there is no room for them in your life.
Surround yourself with people who unconditionally love you regardless of your
ailment. People that will support you through the bad and good. You may think
those people do not exist, but they do. I am one of those people. I understand.
“Work
hard for what you want because it won't come to you without a fight. You have
to be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind
to. If somebody puts you down or criticizes you, just keep on believing in
yourself and turn it into something positive”
- Leah LaBelle
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
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