When you’re in the
hospital and have excessive time to think and read and talk to others, your
brain will cover any assortment of topics. A topic I am by no means an expert
on came up; Love. After the conversation with someone and some reflection, I
wrote the following journal entry.
I had a great
conversation with someone recently about finding love in my life. I expressed
my feelings. Spoke about my past relationships. Questioning the future. I asked
myself one question. That question branched off into many more questions. And
those many more questions have very few answers. If any answers at all.
What am I looking for in
a partner? Seems like a simple inquiry. Perhaps a checklist would be helpful.
OK. I will do a checklist. What do I look for in a partner?....I honestly have
no clue. Not the slightest idea. The only question I can answer is this one;
What am I looking for in a partner. Answer? I do not know. I don’t know because
I don’t know who or what I am yet.
How can I find someone
when I can’t even find myself? I am battling every day, trying to make sense of
who I am. What I stand for. What I believe in. I struggle to find answers. Do I
require meeting someone new to fill in my blanks? I don’t know. I sucked at my
previous relationships. I sucked because I was dragged down by my Depression.
Some will call it an excuse. I will call it reality. I have always felt I could
be suffering from Depression. It wasn’t until recently that I did some homework
on the issue that the light bulb above my head went on. I hated myself so much;
I didn’t know what the feeling of happiness or love was. I suppressed my
thoughts and feelings so much, it created a monster within my skin.
How can someone else see
or find the good in me if I cannot even find it in myself? I come with baggage.
There is no way to sugar-coat it. I have a Mental Illness that turned me into a
shitty partner. The worst part is, I recognized I wasn’t a loving partner and I
didn’t get help for it. Not once. I was embarrassed of the illness. The effect
of Depression led to the demise of my relationships. Two girls somehow saw
something good in me at one point in their lives. No idea what they saw, I didn’t
commence exit interviews. I can’t remember why they liked me. I have vague
memories. A few pictures that tell a story I forget. I look back and think, “Man,
why the hell they ever talk to me?” It’s hard to love nothing. That’s what I
was- NOTHING! A non-existing partner.
I can’t pinpoint exactly
when the wheels fell off any of my relationships. It was a gradual decline,
starting with me. I can’t even tell myself how it happened. I don’t know
anything. I am sure they cannot tell you anything good either. Just the bad.
That’s all I can think of. Pointless regrets. I beat myself up for them. I can’t
come to any conclusion other than, I am an unlovable partner.
I was so disturbed and
mean I could extract tears within five or six words. Not a trait I admire or
that I am proud of. I had practice of beating myself down with verbal jabs, it
wasn’t hard for me to lash out at others with my actions or words. It’s a
saddening and disgraceful skill.
I know neither will give
me a chance ever again, not to say I am looking for one. I am fine with that-
that is fair. I just feel so ashamed that I never got help earlier in my life.
I’ve made my bed, so I will lie in it. Awake with thoughts, but it is my bed. I
am not seeking a second chance. I am simply expressing my views so I can find
some closure and find some answers for myself. I am admitting I wasn’t a good
partner. Now I am searching for the answers to that. I am searching for things
within myself. Unfortunately, I am going to fail more than I will succeed.
But I only need to
succeed once to find what I am looking for. This isn’t a personal plug to show
people I have changed. I know I have a long road ahead of me. I also know I am
not the same person I was ten years ago. I am not the same person I was ten
months ago. I am not the same person I was ten weeks ago. All I know is; I am
not the same person as before. The person that hid behind his illness because he
was scared to get help is gone. So whatever I was in the past, that’s staying
there. Behind me, where it belongs.
So, back to the original
concern; what am I looking for in a partner? Answer; find out more about myself
first. I can’t list traits or characteristics of what I am looking for. There
are no pre-requisites. I have to look within to find the answers. It starts
internally.
Back to the basics. What
do I know about myself? First off, I love hockey and mostly all sports. I am
more of a player and coach than a spectator or fan. I love my son so much and I
do want more kids. I love food. All of it, except celery. I love Star Wars. I
even like Star Trek, but in my mind I am a Jedi Knight. I think I am funny.
Honestly, I am highly thinking about trying to become a comedian at some point.
I am allowed to dream big. I love my job and the community I live in. I have
recently found a passion for reading and writing. I like music, but I am not a
music expert. I like wine. I like beer. Tom Hanks, Leo DiCaprio, Denzel
Washington, and Johnny Depp. I watch wrestling. I can be creative and
open-minded. I haven’t done it a lot, but I want to travel more. I can play
chess. I need to try more new things. I am more concerned with exercising than
ever before. I cross my legs sometimes when I sit. I love coffee. I like tea.
Tiger Woods, Roger Federer, Jaromir Jagr, Troy Tulowenski, Michael Jordan,
Brett Favre. I believe there is life among the stars, which I really enjoy
looking at on a clear night. I can do wine by a fireplace, beers around a
campfire, or a walk on the beach at night. I don’t wear jewelry. Definitely a T
instead of an A type of guy. I sometimes cannot speak right, or well. I am well
read and educated. In that sense, I am very smart actually. I like to make
others laugh. I tend to be organized and efficient. I consider myself a
dual-citizen; Newfoundland and Nova Scotia. Actually, thinking about getting a
tattoo with something that represents both. I am proud to represent both
provinces. I am thinking of trying out for Big Brother Canada next season if I
can. Sometimes my breath gets bad. I am conscious of it. I hate it.
I have big lips and
nose. My hair isn’t great. I can be silly. I can be serious. I am more
thoughtful than ever before. I like numbers more than words. I cannot sing. I
do suffer from Depression and sometimes have suicidal thoughts. I am not my
past mistakes. I can be very stubborn. Do not take food off my plate unless I
invite you to. I brush my teeth twice a day, sometimes three times. I wear track
pants more than jeans. I do love wearing a suit to my job on game days. I have
a sweet tooth. I am, or used to be scared of heights, but I love flying. Boxers
over briefs, if I wear anything at all. I like doing laundry and dislike doing
dishes. I don’t have any pets, but dogs are my type of animal. Not really into
scary movies. Though, I do love going to the movies. Red wine with steak. White
wine with chicken or fish. I can barely stay above water. I struggle to ride a bike.
I have learned to be more open with my feelings. I have trust issues. More of a
night guy than a morning person. Trying to work on that. Aries. Snickers. Mini
Eggs. Ketchup and Salt & Vinegar chips. I know the difference between your,
you’re, their, there, and they’re. Blue Jays, Raptors, Packers, Canadiens,
Alouettes. Amy Adams, Cate Blanchett, and Jennifer Lawrence. I want to hike
through Gros Morne National Park or Torgnat Mountains in Labrador. I believe in
ghost. I can come off selfish, arrogant, and cocky. Not my intentions at all. I
call it stupidity, confidence, and unaware. I really can’t take a hint. It
needs to be clear. No hidden or mixed messages. I like to go grocery shopping
and cooking new meals. I chew my fingernails. I have loud sneezes. I love a
woman in heels. No preference in hair colour. I tend to get along with older
people, male and female, better than younger.
That just took me an
hour to think and feel all of that. That’s me in a nutshell, no pun intended.
Probably missing things, but I now have more of an idea by writing it all out. It
helps to understand when I see things on paper. I can physically see my thoughts
and feelings. It helps with my self-awareness.
I dream of my next
relationship partner. Not sure where she is or when I will meet her. Maybe I
already know her. Whatever the scenario, I have an understanding of what I am
looking for. She will be loved like a Goddess and treated as a Princess.
“Friends can help
each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be
yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be
feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to -
letting a person be what he really is.”
- Jim Morrison
- Jim Morrison
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
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