So, What's Next? - April 7, 2016

I haven’t had many dangerous thoughts as of late. In the sense I haven’t looked at a household item and somehow in my mind twist it into a weapon to do harm to myself. That’s an accomplishment for me. Sadly, it is something that I have to beat. Do I have a definite answer to why the suicidal thoughts have disappeared? No. But to make an educated guess, it is probably a combination of the medications and ECT treatments. Whatever the cause, I am a fan of the effect. I won’t say or can say I have been “Depression” free for a few weeks, but I have noticed an improvement in my mood and small increase in my energy levels.

So, what’s next? I know I continue with my treatments. I have five completed. There are five remaining as of now. I get excited to go to them. The medication helps along with the ECT’s. So, what’s next?

I haven’t made an attempt at work yet. I may have come back too early last time and I wasn’t completely ready for it. I am trying not to make that mistake again. I will see my doctor again. I will seek his advice. If all goes well and he gives me the green light, I will slowly transition and return to work. I will thread lightly. Do not want to create too much stress. It is the off-season now. No players around.

So, what’s next? I have been getting to the gym frequently. I am doing a plan I saw online. It’s a mindset when it comes to working out for me. I will never be the person to lift the most weight or run the furthest or have a tight six pack. I will be in shape. The best of my life. I am getting stronger. I can feel it physically, but more importantly, I can feel it mentally. More confidence. I have confidence in my strut now, not arrogance. I am confident when I walk into a social setting, whether it be a restaurant or grocery store, I don’t avoid people anymore. No more fear of who I may run into. I would avoid people previously. I was scared of the simplest question- “How are you?” I always had a reply, but it was always a lie. Now if someone asks me, I am comfortable and confident giving the honest feeling. “How are you feeling today, T.J.?” “Not the greatest, but I am trying to cope with the day”, can be my reply. That’s the truth. It may not be the answer most people would like to hear. It is a real answer and it is true. Some people are not sure how to handle the truth. Don’t be scared of honesty. Don’t be afraid to answer in an honest manner. And don’t be afraid if you get an honest, but negative reply from me.

Who’s approval am I searching for? My parents? My son? My ex-girlfriend? My friends? My extended family? My co-workers? My boss? In my mind, I have already let everyone down, but I am still here. That’s the mindset Depression creates. I am a deep thinker and can have some vividly detailed thoughts or visions about the future. Death would be a major blow to my direct family. You should never have to bury your child. I cannot imagine my parents want to do that. A child without his father? We are already apart and it is difficult. Being permanently gone would be worst. It’s not an easy picture when I close my eyes. The picture I see is my son growing up fatherless.

So, what’s next? Find a girl and settle down? Fresh out of one relationship and directly into another? Probably not wise. But won’t it be hard for me? “In what way, you ask T.J.?” Simple. I am not sure when the next relationship will come about for me. It is something I both look forward to but fear at the same time. I do not want to consider myself vulnerable or fragile, but that’s exactly what I am.

Do I hide my illness? No. I embrace it. Should someone be afraid of me due to my illness? Well, are you afraid of someone with diabetes? It can be difficult for someone to comprehend. I know people look at me differently. People already talk to me differently. I see the world different now. It has been a trying winter for me. I spent most of January, some of February, and most of March in a Psychiatric Unit. Most of 2016 for me so far has been in a hospital. So, in hindsight, I haven’t really lived yet this year.

So, what’s next? Back to work? A new girlfriend? Stop working out? Plan a trip? Read another book? I don’t know what is next. No one does for me. Thinking and worrying about the future only makes time tick away faster. No more of that. I write this very paragraph next to my sleeping son in the guest room of my bestfriends’ house the night before I pick my other best friend up at the airport. As difficult and twisted my thoughts can be, I consider this a very good moment for me.

Another friend of mine told me he is going to propose to a girl. Never met the girl but I asked my friend one short, complex question- “Do you love her?” He had an affirmative answer. I shook his hand, congratulated him and wish him all the best, as I truly hope he is happy.

The word love means more to women than men. Is that a fair statement? Could be debatable. I am vulnerable. Very vulnerable. I have been through internal hell several times. A frequent flyer. I am most definitely emotional. Talking to the opposite sex is a challenge for me. I don’t want to use the word fearful, so I will say I am cautious. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to add any potential stressors to my life. I don’t want to complicate my life. Do I need to make an effort to be a certain way so someone could or would like me? Do I put on an act? I know I am quite capable of that. I have put on a never-ending act the last several years. It’s easier to be fake than real. Act as someone I am not.

So, what’s next? Well, for the short term, I am getting up tomorrow morning and my son and I are driving to the airport to pick up my buddy. Then we are going to Halifax for the day and having a man’s day. That’s what is next. Who knows, maybe I will meet a new person tomorrow. Maybe my son learns something new.

So, what’s next? I honestly have no clue or idea. I cannot live in fear of the unknown or be afraid of change. I must keep battling each day, each second for the time being. I am an egg. An egg in boiling water. As my surrounding environment gets hotter and more dangerous, but like the egg, I get stronger and stronger.

“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.”
                                                                                      - Buddha

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith