Turning 30

I know it isn't necessary to write all the time, but when I get overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings, I got to get things in ink. Today is my birthday. I turn 30 years old. Honestly, there were several points these past few months I didn't think I was going to make it. I have played out many end games in my head. I am not going to pretend it was easy. It wasn't. Actually, it was very hard. I was my own devil. The internal beat downs I took were almost death blows. Never would I have thought my own ideas would betray me.

But I didn't give in. It would have been the easiest thing to do. I sincerely believe the main reason I am alive still is because of other people. My parents. My son. My friends. My co-workers. My bosses. My extended family. The incredible professionals at the Yarmouth Regional Hospital. My ex. Even complete strangers have given me inspiration and hope. Given me the strength to defeat the demons that have possessed me for a long time now.

Gratitude means, the quality or feeling of being grateful and thankful. There are not enough languages in the world that can describe how grateful and thankful I am. I am humbled. Every message, short or long, brings a tear to my eye. The authentic care from everyone is awe-inspiring. There are great people out there. Everyone is my inspiration. My strength. My hope.

I have made so many new connections with people since I have openly spoke about my illness. I got a message from a young man today. He told me he has come out publicly with his depression. Told me I gave him strength, when in all honesty, when I saw that message, I instantly had a connection with the person and admiration. So, I know it isn't necessary, but I have to say a few thank you's.

First off, my parents. You have been there always for me, but the last few months have been critical to my health. You have not left my side for one minute. You helped with bills, moving, and Nash. All stressful events in my life, but you helped me through it. I can never thank you or repay you both for all you did for me during my time of need. To be a good parent, I don't have to look very far. I just need to model the both of you. If I turn out to be half as good of a parent as you guys, I will do great. Thank you so much for helping save my life.

To my sister and her boyfriend. I know I have said this before, but I know I haven't been the greatest brother. But through it all, you two never changed how you unconditionally love me. I never returned that love because I was not a delightful person at all. I was a hateful bastard. I am sorry and I have to thank you for standing by me.

To my co-workers and bosses. I won't use names in my blogs, but there are ten of you. I cannot express how thankful I am. If it wasn't for telling you about my illness, I may have never got help. I am also sorry for not seeking treatment earlier. My illness definitely put a strain on me to be at my optimal performance as  a coach and friend. I am forever sorry to you all and forever thankful that you are all in my life and supporting me getting better and helping me fight this battle. I hope you can find forgiveness in your hearts for me. I hope to get back to work very soon.

To my friends, family, and strangers. I am not trying to group you all together for the sake of it. It is truly amazing how good you all are. I felt a lot of you didn't care for me. Again, that was the illness playing with my feelings and thoughts. I thought, as a friend, a cousin, a nephew, or grandson, I have let everyone down. The words of encouragement I have received have been motivation for me to continue to fight this illness. To know you all had my back meant the world to me. I look forward to growing our relationships. From all across this country, I have got messages of hope. It has kept me fighting. Round after round. I don't win every round, but I do endure them.

To the professionals at Yarmouth Regional Hospital. I considered that place home for about six or seven weeks, and not once did I feel unwelcome. Not once did I feel I was just a patient. You treated me as a human being. You encouraged and pushed me to get better. It is amazing the work you do. I won't forget any of you. You help save my life.

To my doctors. Speaking about caring individuals, I have never felt so comfortable around doctors than I do around you all. Since Day 1 of my recovery, you have been there. You are one of the smartest men I have ever met. You got me through several medication changes and spoke with me daily. Even with my current ECT treatments, you hold my hand just before I get put to sleep. That makes me feel safe and I am getting looked after by the best possible person. I am so thankful for all your help. You are making my recovery somewhat easier.

To Nash. Today you called me to wish me happy birthday. Makes me happy buddy. You also asked, "what is depression?" I replied, "It's an illness." I told you I will fight it every day. I miss you every moment we are apart, but makes our time together that more special. I am very proud of you and you keep me kicking.

What's the point of this entry? It's about expressing my gratitude to everyone who has stood by me during my battle. I keep fighting for all of you. Your encouragement and motivation has kept me alive. So, a little update.

Today I had my fifth ECT treatment. I look forward to them. I am excited to do them. It is like Christmas morning for me. I have been feeling better. My mood and energy has been better. I feel it is working thus far. I have another one next week. I am still on prescription medication that I take at night. It also helps. I have been getting to the gym regularly and trying to eat better. I am trying to revamp who and what I am as a person. It won't happen overnight, but it is the small details that make the greatest difference. It is still second by second for me. Constantly trying to improve. I may have lost the first few rounds of this heavyweight bout, but I have been throwing some hard punches the last couple rounds. Still enduring a few hits, but I am also evading more. This isn't a race. It is a process to progress. Today I turn 30 years old. Today I am excited and happy to be alive.

"It's the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen."

                                                   - John Wooden

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."

                                                     - Brian Tracy

Yours Truly, 

T.J. Smith