I should be dead. Wouldn't it all be easier? The pain would have never existed. The tears would have never fell. The torment would have never made my nights long.
Would it be better if I was a memory?
"Hey, remember when he did that?", says a friend.
"That was so T.J.", replies another.
I can see my own tombstone.
Troy Jeremy (T.J.) Smith.
Beloved father and son.
April 1986-January 2016.
Age 29.
Giving up is easier than battling. Than enduring. Than fighting.
It's so hard to type these words. I can't see the screen due to the tears in my eyes.
I am not suppose to be here. That was once the narrative of my life.
A bad son. A bad father. A bad brother. A bad friend. Just a terrible human being.
Never good enough. Unworthy of anything. Selfish as fuck.
I wanted to die. I wanted it to be over. It should have been over. I should be dead.
Four Years Ago
I was in the Psychiatric Unit of the Yarmouth Regional Hospital in Yarmouth, Nova Scotia. Few people knew my whereabouts. Cannot be sharing that information. It was embarrassing. It was something to be ashamed of. In a locked facility, taking several different kinds of medication. Meeting with a psychiatrist each morning. Under constant surveillance each hour.
What was worse was that my thoughts were reassuring I was suppose to be there.
How dark? Perhaps, I could hang myself off an overpass so people can see. Maybe, I will jump into the ocean. Never to be seen again. I just wanted to disappear.
During that time, I was alone. So alone. That's a pain in itself.
I don't need this pain. Depression is a life-sucking illness.
If we let it.
Being hospitalized saved my life. The life that I live today. It was decided then I was going to fight. I knew I couldn't do it on my own. So, what did I do? I used the power of Social Media.
I put it on Facebook that I suffer from Severe Depression, Anxiety, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). A handful of people knew up until that point. Then many people gave their support to me. Their well-wishes. Their prayers. Their thoughts. It was humbling and helpful.
That was four years ago. Today. It's my anniversary. It's my reminder.
Are we suppose to forget the bad? Absolutely not.
The bad is just a point in time where you weren't good. Life wasn't good. I was extremely ill. It's a reminder of how far I have come. Am I proud that I hid my illness for so long and allow it to take control of my life? Probably not. No.
But, I do have to recognize where I was. It was my starting point to see how far I have come. I need to realize the mistakes, the torture, the part of my life that was wrong. So wrong.
A lot of you that read this didn't know me that well. It was the 'wrong-version' of me. The man that was overtaken by an illness. It infiltrated every aspect of my life. It spread like a disease to others around me. No, depression is not contagious, but my actions, behaviours, and feelings were ruining the lives of people around me. I was blinded to it. I wanted to die so bad.
Not badly enough, apparently. And fortunately.
Why so dark?
It paints a picture. A dark one. A scary one.
Close your eyes.
Imagine T.J. Smith dead and gone. The one you know up to this exact moment. He's not in this life. He never came into your life or crossed your path. Never influenced your life. Would have never met him. You have no idea how lucky I am to be here today. I almost died.
The darkness is where my re-birth took place. Where the second chance was given. I don't fear the dark anymore.
Life, and all it brings, is worth the battling, enduring, and fighting. Four years ago, I did not know this fact.
Tears aren't a bad thing. They are physical proof of the emotions and feelings that we have inside.
I am suppose to be here. Life deals us cards. We are at the table and we have to play. Life brings us to places. Life brings people in and out of our lives. Life is pretty fucking amazing. You just need to see it.
It's better to feel pain than nothing at all.
That's why I share my story. I want my story to inspire hope. To inspire others. To inspire life.
It's important to understand the darkness of my past.
January 2020- Today
So, where am I today?
I have a smile on my face.
My son is growing like a weed and living his life.
I am living in my hometown (which I would have never expected 4 years ago).
I have a dog. It's a unique relationship.
I am a substitute teacher. An emergency one, but still, it's pretty fucking cool. I love it.
I have applied for other jobs in my town.
I can see myself living here. Having a family. Dreams are possible.
I have eliminate my gambling addiction from VLTs. (HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT)
I drink less.
I don't use marijuana anymore. (Maybe abused it when it became legalized).
I have caring and supportive parents.
I have great, supportive friends.
I co-started a Mental Health Peer Support Group.
I coach little kids hockey. And I mean the littlest, and one of my most fulfilling years coaching.
I have some money in my bank account.
I take less medications, but still take some.
I can handle pain better.
I accept life.
I understand death. It doesn't scare me. Each day is a gift.
I haven't had any depression symptoms in several weeks.
I can handle my anxiety.
I put others first. That's not to say I don't take care of myself.
I can deal with problems that may arise in life.
I have values that I have stuck to for three years.
I take pride in my appearance.
I am trying exciting new things.
I am ready to love and be loved. (She will be the luckiest one alive)
I no longer live a lie.
I am truthful to myself.
I am truthful to others.
I recognize my mistakes.
I correct my flaws.
I feel worthy, after years of not.
I don't feel guilty, after years of feeling so.
I am REALLY trying to go to bed earlier. (Super hard)
I am in the best shape of my life physically. (Almost see a 6-pack)
I feel I am a role model to kids in my community.
I am trying to learn French.
I have begin to work harder in all aspects of my life. (Never worked hard before for anything).
And yes, I am using the pronoun 'I' awful lot, but I have come so far in four years, I deserve to feel good about myself. Just as you should, too.
Bottom line; I am extremely happy and in a great place for once in my life.
No matter what you're going through or dealing with or fighting, you can get here too. Mental Illnesses are awful and brutal, but they are illnesses we can successfully fight and own. I would have never said this four years ago. That's why I am telling you my story. Even if you're in the dark right now, I can help you out. Trust me, I know the way. It's a battle. The hardest fight you will ever face. But it is worth it. Every hard moment in life teaches us to be stronger for our next breath. Adversity is the fuel to our growth, such as water is to a plant.
"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
-George Bernard Shaw
Yours Truly,
T.J. Smith
